behindthec: (emo pride)
[personal profile] behindthec


some recs:

http://selectivelyurie.livejournal.com/14065.html
http://ivesia19.livejournal.com/52335.html
http://moku-youbi.livejournal.com/22593.html
http://j-plash.livejournal.com/26774.html
http://justsmilemore.livejournal.com/2645.html

some emo (feel free to ignore; i'm not expecting anyone to listen or comment or even care, i just wanted to get it out):

sorry if i'm not very ~present lately. i've been, i don't know, deeply depressed, there's kind of no other way to put it.

i see me some cabbies on saturday with [livejournal.com profile] ivesia19 though (i'll be in a better mood by then, bb, no worries :), so that should be nice. just. getting out, being with people i like, in the smoky, creepy familiarity of the masquerade, with good music, and ian with his hands on a guitar.

i'm sick today, came down with something (kept worrying it would happen for the concert(s) so i guess it's good it's happening now), so i'm not going to keri's family easter thing. which. not that that's ever much fun beyond free food, but whatever. now i'm alone. i wish my own family were... a family. i wish i had a group of friends that were my family instead. i wish i were in a band. i wish i had something that meant a lot to me, something i was passionate about enough to pursue it. i've gotten to the point where i don't really care about standing out any more; i just want to be normal. with a normal family and normal friends and a normal life, just like everyone else. people ask "but what is normal," and there's no good answer i guess, all i know is it's not my life. my life is not like other lives. i'll prove it if you really doubt it that much. i'm surrounded by so few people i really care about; nearly everyone's online, and even then most connections are superficial and interest-based. and it's not like i'm some social reject who lives in their parents' basement; when people actually do get to know me, they tend to think i'm pretty rad. it's just. i don't connect with people. i just don't. even online, where billions of people are available for the finding and selecting, i can probably name on my fingers the ones i truly have meaningful connections with. less than 10, out of all those billions, and the hundreds i've actually met. what are the odds i'd ever find one who actually lives near me. how do people meet people? i guess most people hang onto friends from high school or college, but, i was homeschooled, and for all the acquaintances i met in college, all the academically productive stuff i did, i hardly connected with anyone. i feel like now it's too late. how the hell do you meet people after college, let alone people you connect with? like, seriously, how? i'm asking. last night i looked up social groups in atlanta for, like, GLBT peeps, or people with gender issues. there's definitely some stuff, atlanta's pretty cool, but getting up the nerve to go to like, one of their meetings is another story. that's pretty intimidating to me; the few times i've tried to get involved in gay/lesbian groups, i've felt totally uncomfortable, never connected with anyone, ever. i've never tried meeting specifically trans people, though i feel that would be similar. i'm not trans the way most people are. i don't feel like the psychology of it is the same for me.

besides, for me it seems there is this law in life, somehow, that the people who end up really mattering, you don't seek out. they just fall in your lap, unexpected. i've never met anyone meaningful by seeking it out, ever; by, like, "trying" to make friends or force social interaction. so that leads me to believe i should just... sit back and wait. but that's not working either. everyone seems to already have their lives established, their friends and their goals and their dreams. even if it's nothing special, nothing fancy, even if it's still just lame and unexciting to them, everyone still has something. they have a niche of sorts. i feel like i'm just... floating.

last night keri and i went to dinner with someone she knew from high school who was back in town for the week and wanted to meet up with a few old friends. there were only 5 of us at the table, but it was. hard. everyone seems to be doing so much, productivity and travel and good times with friends and family. and i'm just. not. and i know it's not that people are problem-free or they don't have drama in their life, but it's just. everyone still seems to have *more* than i do. i don't mean in terms of money or material possessions (though, yeah, probably that too). it's just. they're getting married and having babies or they're doing this that or the other, or they're simply chilling with their family and cooking easter pies. the fuck am i doing? i'm doing shit. and i don't want to fucking cook easter pies or get married or have babies, i just want. *something*. i don't *want* to feel like my life doesn't have a point, even though life doesn't. i want to live under the delusion that it does, and then i want to find what that delusional point is, and live it. there.

add that to all the distress i have over missing my adolescence, and not being able to reclaim it now, and. yeah. you'd be depressed too.

i know it's unfair; i still have things other people would want. i have a job, one i like, and i have a keri and a pete, and a couple of friends i see occasionally, and i have a talent for writing, but it's just. there just seems to be so much more being handed out to everyone else, and i feel like i'm being overlooked. i just. i saw *more* for my life. and i don't know what to do about it. if i should pursue More, or if i'm just fighting that unable-to-be-content thing. contentment vs. settling is so, so hard to distinguish for me.

plus bandom doesn't make me happy the way it used to. and it's probably good, because i really need to stop being dependent on it for my happiness. i need to stop needing that escape. i need to, but i don't know how to, and i don't have the energy to try.

so there, in a nutshell, is my current angst.

i wish someone would just come the fuck along and fix me. there are those moments in life when things just Happen, just come along and change everything. i'm waiting for one of those. i don't know if i should stop waiting and instead try to make my own shit happen, or if something really is going to come. yesterday at panda express, my fortune said, "everything will soon come your way." (i'm lookin at you, brendon urie. IT IS WRITTEN IN MY DESTINY. EVERYTHING INCLUDES YOU. MOVE IT ON OVER.)

alternately, i could really stand to get fucked into the mattress right now. there's nothing like a good lay. being with someone who doesn't have a sex drive and who has other sexual hang-ups, when i am pretty much the most sexual person i know (brendon and i can duke it out, maybe?), it's. hard. it's fucking *hard*, okay. it sucks more than oh so many things combined. like. i don't talk about it but fuck, fuck, it's fucking motherfucking hard as fuck. i want to have sex with tons of people all the time and that's it. i can't help it. i can't. it is so, so, so hard not having that. and knowing it hurts her that i want that stuff. and not to mention my own sexual hang-ups, like the fact that i can barely stand to see myself naked or that unless you're treating me like i'm someone i'm not (i.e. a boy, a character, anything but me), sex isn't fun for me. SERIOUSLY, EVERYTHING? SUCKS.

i think i'm gonna go jerk off.

that said, please don't ask or expect anything of me right now. i'm trying to keep up with my flist but i feel like i might stop soon. i'm answering comments mostly 'cause i'm bored, but i may put that off too. emails are a long shot. i'm sorry.

thanks, though. you guys are always awesome to me, and i love and appreciate you all. please don't feel obligated to leave me any comforting words. i know most of you are here for the fic, and i've been much more emo the last few months than usual (i'm staring to understand the growing trend of personal journals vs fic journals; maybe i should do that). i just wanted to get the words out; i'm not expecting anything back.

p.s. don't hate on ryan so much in chapter 7. he loves brendon to death; that's why he's so terrified of losing him. sure, he's selfish, but aren't we all? wouldn't we all do anything in our power to keep from losing those we love? his fears make the most sense to me out of anything else in that fic. fear is the hardest emotion to face, i think, and the hardest to fight. especially when it's fear of loss, because loss and grief are the only emotions (imo) that are greater and more devastating than fear.

ETA: dyed my hair black but you can't really tell in this pic... it looks the same as it did before. whatever, at least my shirt's cool. (and so is my tie, there are little skulls on it... again, not that you can tell, camera phone fail.) no idea what that big bulge in my pant leg is... i mean yes i do, it's my giant dick, duh.






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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 04:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stelaclaudi.livejournal.com
im sorry. thats really all i can say because im shit at offering any form of advice or being empathetic. i just felt like i should say something, because you're truly the coolest, greatest person i've ever known, and i feel bad that you feel bad.
im not just saying that in the hopes that it'll make you feel a little better (though i do hope it does), i just really have never ever met anyone i thought was greater/awesomer/amazinger than you, or thought that anyone i haven't met, including celebrities and inspirational speakers or w/e was.
i wish i knew you better or was closer to you or something. i think you're the awesomest person in existence, and i hope you feel better. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 04:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
that made me smile so big. such lovely words, i really appreciate it. thank you so much. <3!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] m-say-whaat.livejournal.com
I'm not going to pretend I know anything about you, or try to understand how you exactly have been feelings, but I hope you do feel better.

From the times that I feel so ultimately depressed with no place to escape to, the only ways I can get out of it, is to just relish on what I am good at.

No way am I trying to tell you how to make yourself feel better, I just hope I can give you something that makes you feel not so alone in a sense.

Like I stated before I'm not going to pretend I know you, but if you ever want to talk to a person you have no connection with at all, I'll be here. Sometimes someone who knows nothing can be the best person for you.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
Sometimes someone who knows nothing can be the best person for you.

so, so very true. and thank you so much for the offer. i think it really does help to talk to people on here who don't really know me in-depth, because they can offer fresh views, things i hadn't thought of, different ways of thinking, and they don't have any bias.

<3 thanks.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redorchids.livejournal.com
*copy/pastes into story of own life*

i don't know how you meet people. i have a few that i've met in my choir. people i've started to trust enough to open up to. but that's another problem right there: how do you open up to someone when you don't know who you are? it's fucking ridiculous. i haven't had an honest friend in my life before last year. breaking free from what other people expect for your life, and what YOU expect from your life is so fucking hard.

and it's so ironic that we can do a million things, and no matter how much we achieve, we always seem to value that as nothing, and strive for what other people do instead. it's this constant balancing act between "fuck it" and "but what if" and it's exhausting.

someone invent teleportation already. this other side of the world thing is getting really old.

love you.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 05:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redorchids.livejournal.com
also, that's a friggin' hot pic. i would so totally do you. :-)

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Date: 2009-04-12 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] panicmydear.livejournal.com
I'm sorry that you're struggling. I'm not an adult so I can relate to the whole "not wanting kids/marriage while everyone else does" yet. But, I know what it's like not to be able to open up and not have people understand you the way you want.

You'll find something that'll make you happy one day. You're an excellent writer, one of the best I've seen, so I wouldn't be surprised if you decide to do something with that. Someone/something will come around one day and turn everything around. I have faith.

People are hard to get. They want so much that you can't give, and even though you want to, you just can't. It's alright to feel that way, I think. We all do at some time, but I think ultimately it's up to us to want change and want to be different.

That probably made no sense, but. Hope you feel better in all aspects. <3

P.S., that is one hot piece of ass you've got there, Colin. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] panicmydear.livejournal.com
*can't relate to the whole "not wanting kids/marriage while everyone else does".

WTF. Fail.

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Date: 2009-04-12 06:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bunniesontoast.livejournal.com
i'm sorry i was a bitch. i won't expect anything.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
bb, no. not at all. (and that wasn't b/c of your email, i was posting this blog anyway.)

ily. and i want to be there for you, all of you, the way you guys are for me. <3

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Date: 2009-04-12 06:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noahatthedisco.livejournal.com
first off, gonna say that i don't follow you for the fic. I like your fics sure, but I follow you because your someone i can relate to and you seem like a good person who can always use someone else caring about them so I care about you.
that being said, I'm here if you want to talk. about anything even, not even serious shit, just distraction, i'll be there.
<3

is there anything i can do for you? pics/fics/completely non bandom related things?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 thanks bb. you are so, so sweet, and you always make me smile. :)

just your comment was enough. but thank you for the offer.

&you;!!!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 06:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miarae.livejournal.com
I wish I had an epic thing to tell you that would make it all better, but the best I can do is that I understand. Maybe not everything, maybe not to the level you need or want someone to understand, but a lot of things...I read em and go "yeah, that's how I feel".

I've said this before, but if you ever need someone. Not that I think you'll take me up on it, but that's okay. I'm not one of your meaningful connections, I'm not close, but yeah. If you need me. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 thank you, bb. and just knowing people understand does help a bit. makes me feel less alone, even though i am still sort of physically alone. (i'm just such a physical person; i like my friends to be close to me, for the touching and the snuggling. i'm brendon. ;)

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Going anon again >_>

You should definitely go for the GLBT thing. It IS scary as all fuck - when I went to a meeting the first time I was the only one there because it was one specific to my ~condition and my dad and I actually waited in the park across from the centre, rang them, and then went inside like 20 minutes later, because we were so nervous. But now, it's where I've met my four best friends and heaps of other people I love more than life itself. Even if you don't end up ~bonding with people per se, it's really nice to know just how many people are in a similar situation and are willing to support you.

And, well. I mean, you haven't cheated on her, have you? You haven't broken up with her over sex, you havent gone out and fucked a bunch of guys; you're still there. I know what it's like; I'm one of the most ridiculously sexual people I know, and my girlfriend not only lives really far away but isnt interested in sex any time soon :/ but the point is that you're sacrificing something that's obviously a big thing for you because you love her. Yeah, it might make her upset that you want other people sexually, but it makes you upset that you cant *have* other people. You're both making a sacrifice because you love each other.

I don't mean to be all LOL STATES THE OBVIOUS here because you're ten years my senior; of course you know all this. But I guess it's nice to know someone... understands? And doesn't judge you. Cause even down to the OH GOD GET ME SOME PENIS PLZ thing, I understand your issue. Like, the inability to engage in sexual acts (okay, for me it's getting off or imagining shit, but you know) because of hang-ups with your body; even the guilt even because you love someone and you shouldn't want other people, but you do.

I guess I just want to say that I understand your pain, and, well. We love you how you are. You'll find something, serious. Maybe instwad of trying to find other GLBT kids, look for a band? Even if it never goes anywhere, playing music with people is fucking amazing. You're easily good enough and it makes you feel like you're actually DOING something, even if it is a crappy garage band.

I mean, I understand about waiting for things to fall into place, but it never hurts to give them a push, you know? The most important thing I've learnt in my entire life is never to let an opportunity pass you by if you think it might lead to something great.

You don't have to reply, I guess again I was just letting you know that people really do care and understand and we think you're amazing how you are. I look up to you, and I sincerely doubt I'm the only one.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
yeah, i should try it out again. the times i've tried before, i was still in a place where i was extremely shy, and i've gotten better about that, so. yeah. it's just a matter of making myself do it. it'll be something to shoot for.

i actually *have* cheated on keri (not with sex, but still, drunken makeouts count big time), more than once, but i know i wouldn't do it again. so yeah, that makes everything even harder on us. for her, it doesn't really matter that i'm sacrificing something; her view is that it shouldn't BE a sacrifice, i should just want her and only her and that's it. and anything less is unacceptable. and i respect her views, but i can't help how i feel, i just can't. she's asking for me to be something i'm not, and i can't give her that. she's extremely black-and-white about this stuff.

it really does mean a lot that you understand. age isn't... i mean, sure, there are things in your life you haven't experienced that i have, i guess, but age is just a number. i definitely connect with you in ways i don't with most people my own age or older.

i've definitely thought about "finding" a band, just to chill with and jam with, nothing huge or epic. but even just finding people i connect with on that level is daunting. i don't even know how i'd start. but it's something to think about, i guess.

anyway, thank you, i really appreciate all your words, every time. <3 it means a lot.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] j-plash.livejournal.com
Gah, dude, I don't have anything helpful to say at all, because I'm more screwed up to hell and back than anyone here has any idea of (LJ can be a bitch like that, no? :P) and everything that comes to mind is depressing and unhelpful and unencouraging :P, but I love you lots, and I really wish you didn't feel shit? :( And were I not several oceans away from you, I would give you lots and lots of hugs and all (and probably throw my scantily-clad body at you, 'cause I've been at a festival for three days and it makes me sex crazy :P).

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
awww, bb. i'm sorry. you know you can talk to me too, right?

thank you. as sophie and i always say, oceans suck. :)

and thank you for the images of your scantily clad body... very nice for a dreary monday morning. :D

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Date: 2009-04-12 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ivesia19.livejournal.com
My house is full of Italian right now, so I can't comment at the moment, but I'm saving this spot to assure you that I"ll read this later and, hopefully, impart some words of wisdom.
That is if I ever get some time away from the 9 Italians. That's right - 9. One of whom I'm pretty sure is trying to bed an American aka. Me.
Until later ♥ ♥ ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ivesia19.livejournal.com
Okay, so I finally found some decent alone time.
I wore the Italians out.
Unfortunately, it was with baseball, but it's the American past-time, so I had to go with the cliche.
I really hope I could say something to make you feel better, but I know what you mean. Like today is Brendon's birthday. The birth of Brendon Boyd Urie, you say? Yes, and it's wonderful, but it made me think that he's only a year older than me and look at all he's accomplished. What have I done? I write, yeah, but only fangirls read it. So yeah, I think everyone has those moments of panic when they think "Fuck, what am I doing with my life?! Does it even have a purpose?!"
I'm a firm believer that things work themselves out - that good things are on the way, but I'm also a strong believer in fighting for what you want. Those groups you were talking about seem like they could be a good opportunity to meet new people, and hey, you can always Fight Club it and just go for shits and giggles.
Plus, you and I are going to have so much fun this weekend (and I'm going to facebook you later in the week to finalize details, but I'm so excited. You should be too :D I has presents.)

Wishing you all the best.



(P.S. I think I might go after the older Italian brother tonight just to keep my libido in check ;) Though, it might be weird considering I'm staying in my sisters bedroom....)

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Date: 2009-04-12 07:36 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
The thing is, my heart kind of lurched, reading this. I'm really young, underage and all that, and I'm pretty fucked over on just being accepted by my peers. Not really being normal, wanting to be normal, I don't know what I want.

And the trans thing, too, I'm really confused. I get all giddy happy whenever someone calls me "he" or "him" or anything masculine, and I don't like being a girl at all. It's kind of stupid and sexist, but I kind of think that being a guy or thinking of myself as a guy would somehow make me a better person. But I'm really confused - I don't know what the fuck all of that means.

...and bandom, it's kind of falling out for me.

I write lyrics. I want to do that when I'm older. I don't want to be content with what my parents want from me and what they're going to hand to me. And just reading about you, and all of these troubles you have - it's just. It's kind of comforting...in a very perverse way.

-xo

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
it's really comforting, i think, when you realize someone else really does understand.

a lot of people have mentioned questioning the whole trans thing themselves since i started being open about it. it's good to question ourselves, i think. questioning ourselves and never finding answers is still better than never questioning ourselves at all. and i feel like sexuality is an evolution. it's a constant shift; i don't believe in one steadfast orientation. i used to identify as lesbian, and before that, when i was very young, i just assumed straight. i used to love being a woman, and now i can only think of myself as male. it's scary to think that i have no idea what i'll be like in a few years, but at the same time, i like the fact that i'm not some static, one-dimensional bore.

good for you. write lyrics, make music, do what makes you happy. don't follow anyone else's path but yours.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 08:05 pm (UTC)
ext_28210: (Default)
From: [identity profile] tanisafan.livejournal.com
There's not that much I can say because I really don't have to go through what you're going through. But I'm so sorry that things are this hard for you, and I hope it gets better/easier soon, because you're an amazing person who deserves amazing things. *hugs you tight*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 you're so sweet, bb, thank you. *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 08:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fixme-in-45.livejournal.com
A few things I guess.
1) You should never apologise for saying how you feel/being emo.
2) You, Brendon and Ryan would seriously have THE hottest sex together. It's one of those facts of life yaknow, like the earth spinning on an axis and such.
3)For every down, there will be a high point that follows. There has to be, otherwise people would give up on a mass scale, daily. I find that this helps me keep my head above water when I feel like i'm drowning in real life.

I don't think giving you endless complemets on your writing or your hot new hair would do much good here. I understand that once you get yourself into such a mindset it becomes so so hard to pull back out of it. It kinda consumes you right. I wish I could help, like everyone else but it would be hypocritical of me to try. I just empathise with you a lot. The only thing that works for me at times like this is to write nonsensical things in my blogspot, usually in true Wentzian style. But it makes me feel better. Find something that makes you feel as awesome as you are and do it until you feel like you can breathe again.I envy your courage and your strength.

I understand now why I hated on Ryan so much in chapter 7. He's acting the same way my best friend did with me, except she didn't want me back to begin with. I lost mine for what I think is for good. I hated Ryan because to me in that chapter, he was her. I only saw the consequences of his actions and physically felt Brendon's rejection and pain. Now I understand the foundations for Ryan's behaviour and I can empathise with him. I just wish that translated over into my life. But whatever. Your boys sometimes teach us valuable life lessons.


Keep your chin up. Have a few shots and dance around to some Cabbies. Try a pick me up. Do some yoga. You are amazing, honestly. You make the world a lot less confusing place sometimes.
oh and give Ian-the shredder-Crawford 'the eye' for me. He'll be a lovely pick-me-up, promise.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
1) thanks. i'm really not, i just, i know when i see people write big emo blogs, sometimes i feel obligated to comment just to be nice, even though i don't really know what to say, and i just don't EVER want anyone to feel they have to do that here.

2) damn, that is one of the nicest compliments i've ever gotten. :D SOMEONE SHOULD INFORM THEM OF THIS FACT, THEN, SO WE CAN GET TO IT.

3) this is true.

thank you, bb. it's good advice. i shall definitely dance to some cabbies. IAN WILL DEFINITELY BE PICKIN' *SOMETHING* UP, AHEM. (...my dick, in case that wasn't clear.)

it means so much that you think my characters teach good lessons. i love to feel that my writing means something, that it helps people or affects people in some meaningful way, even if it's "just" fic. thank you. <3333

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stereotypeloser.livejournal.com
You should definitely try going to a GLBT meeting, or even just one for trans people. I'd recommend it, and this is coming from someone who has social anxiety, and I basically spends the meetings sitting by myself, not talking to anyone. But then that one meeting will come, where someone actually talks to you about something interesting, or maybe you just suddenly connect with someone, and it's awesome. you also get to learn a whole bunch of interesting stuff at these meetings (about yourself and about others), stuff like not every person who's transgendered is the same. everyone goes through a different process, just like everything else in life. it'd probably be really boring if we were all going through the exact same thing.
and, who knows, maybe you'll meet someone who is going through something very similar to what you're going through, maybe they feel the same way, that they don't necessarily fit into any category, and it will be all the more interesting and helpful.

like i've been whining about for weeks, i actually haven't seen a friend (and by this, i mean someone I really am able to talk to, someone who knows how i feel and what i've been through and who i am) in months. the one person who knows every single thing about me lives 13 hours away, in another country. and it hurts, not being able to see someone. i've become more aware of how truly alone i am, and for the first time in my life, it actually bothers me. so. i kind of understand what you're going through.

i also completely understand about wanting your life to have meaning. it's hard to find that meaning, though, and it sucks when it seems that everyone around you is going somewhere, doing something. i think that it's just one of the hardest things about life... being happy where you are and with what you're doing. because, i guess, if you're happy where you are, your life does have a point. my problem is just kind of looking at people i look up to, or who have made a difference in the world, and feeling that i should be making a difference. except that even if you're not making a difference in the world as a whole, you have someone in your life who loves you, and you love her, and that... that is so, so important. it does add meaning to your life, whether or not you see it.

and, christ, you don't know how much i understand the sex thing. it's getting that i don't even want to do it, because it just depresses the fuck out of me. i just. i can't even handle that, at all. it's disgusting, and yeah, i can't stand to see myself naked. and no one seems to understand, or i can't put it into words. i asked my doctor about stopping my period, and was trying to find a way to put this shit into words, but she just flat out said no, didn't even ask why or anything. i cannot handle the world.

anyway, the highlight of my week (note sarcasm) was being called a homo by some fat, i-think-im-cool teenagers. it was fun.

I'm seriously thinking about saving up my money, and travelling this summer. I want to do down to Ohio and finally meet my best friend, and then i want to drive around with him and not care about anything. i want to be in the presence of someone who understands what i'm going through, and i want to leave my life behind, even if it's just for a few months. and i say this all the time, it's become like my fucking life dream, but i'm through with what-ifs and pathetic excuses for not doing something i just really want to do. i think we all need moments like that. even if things go wrong, you can say that you took a chance, you did something you really wanted to do, even if it meant taking risks.

i don't know if i'm considered a friend, but i at least hope that having someone understand helps. i read a few other comments (and, wow, panic fandom has awesome trans people) and i just.. completely love that there are actually others who can completely relate.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
thanks. that actually inspires me to give it a try, so, yeah. thank you.

my problem is just kind of looking at people i look up to, or who have made a difference in the world, and feeling that i should be making a difference. except that even if you're not making a difference in the world as a whole, you have someone in your life who loves you, and you love her, and that... that is so, so important. it does add meaning to your life, whether or not you see it.

thank you. thank you so much for that. i needed to hear that. i know it logically, it's just so so so hard, when i see people every day who are doing More. but yeah. i know. you're right.

doctors suck, the end.

you understand the sex thing better than anyone, i think. that means a lot. i tend to let myself feel really alone with it. it's hard not having you guys HERE, with me, all the time. i like being close to my friends. i'm very physical.

and dude, wtf, you are totally considered a friend. and it does help, more than you know. <3 thanks.

(no subject)

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] selectivelyurie.livejournal.com
So I'm not really sure how to word what I'm trying to say so I'm just going to do what both of us know I do best and ramble in the hopes that somewhere in this comment, you find my point.

First, I have to say, I know you don't want sympathy and I really, truly respect that. A lot of people just want attention when it comes to issues like that, but I'm glad that you have the balls to make it apparent you don't want it. That being said, I think you're one of the most genuine people I know.

I started out reading your fic (intimidated as fuck might I add because you are The Colin - and I know you hate people thinking you're lord of fandom, but w/e work with me :P) and I respected you as a writer; and then I started reading some of your more personal journals and I started respecting you as a person because you don't bullshit anything. You have a lot of the same fears I do (being accepted, knowing what the fuck to do with life) and if my mother wouldn't absolutely flip her shit, I would drive my happy ass to Georgia, give you the biggest fucking hug I could, and we would start a band, goddammit, and we will rock and be wonderful and HAVE PANIC OPEN FOR OUR EPIC ASSES! (Yes, that is how awesome we would be. "Sure, Brendon. We'll let you sing back-up..." And yes, it has to be Panic because then you and Brendon can have gratuitous amounts of sex and shit.)

Anyway, just know that it's never to late to do anything you want to do. If you want to start a band, it's not too late. Hell, you might find the best friends you could ever have by doing so. I know it's probably not the easiest thing to do, and I know you say that you don't connect well with other people, but you're a beautiful person. Tbh, your "emo" makes me want to pack up and move to Georgia and be like "Oh hai!"

I've never really been the best at giving advice, per say, mostly just giving words of encouragement and while I think you need a little of both, I wish I could give you more advice. Just. Do what makes you happy, bb. I know that seems really vague, but you just have to work for what feels right.

Hope this helped a little. If not, just know I care.
&you;

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
yeah, i don't want sympathy; i mean, i don't feel *sorry* for myself, i just feel. sad and frustrated. what pete said in my pete/ryan story is right out of my mouth: what we want more than anything, i think, even more than to be loved, is to be understood. i think that's what i want the most.

lol, i am The Colin? wtf? i always feel like people think i'm so much more famous than i really am. :P most of the really big names in bandom have no idea who i am. but, thank you, and i really wish you would come to georgia. when do you turn 18? your mom can't say anything then. :) we'll have an epic road trip, gather some other peeps and go to a cabin in the mountains and write music and porn and get wasted and have orgies.

but thank you. this does help a lot. you're sweet and i'm very glad i met you. <3

(no subject)

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Date: 2009-04-12 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] faerie-lullaby.livejournal.com
Not just here for the fic, just so you know. I don't friend random people, I friend people because I think they're interesting and I'd like to get to know them better. I just wish I lived closer to all of my online friends.

That being said, I don't want to bake easter pies, or get married and have babies either. I want something more, too. I'm feeling tied down, and I just want to get out and do something.

As to the whole friending thing, I do think it's something that just happens, it's not forced. You can't force friendships. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to make any friends, and yet here they seem to be. So if you do start a journal that's more personal, I'd like to friend that too, cause I like knowing what's going on in your head. Sometimes I find my own feelings reflected in your thoughts.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon <3 Lots of hugs

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
awww, thanks, bb. i am the same, i wish my online friends were all around me, all the time. i'd just collect them here at my desk at work and never get anything done. :D

yeah. friendships can never be forced; i guess that's why it's hard. i'm not in any situations at this point in my life where i just... randomly meet people, where friendships could just... blossom, naturally. so i feel like the only way is to go out and seek it. it's confusing.

but thanks. i appreciate it. *hugs!*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:09 am (UTC)
ext_37410: (Default)
From: [identity profile] anansigirltoo.livejournal.com
*large squishy hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
\o/ thanks. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ginsatonic.livejournal.com
i saw *more* for my life. I know the feeling, bb. There is so much I wanted to do, that I haven't achieved, that I don't know if I ever will. Everyone around me is getting their dream jobs and I've gone backwards.
I know what you mean about friends and them being hard to come by. I moved after school, I have one friend from my teenage years that I still keep in contact with. I'm gradually reconnecting with people I knew before I had Storm, but it's hard.
I feel like I'm just telling you my woes here but I'm trying to say I understand. I know what it's like to want to go see a band desparately, but have no-one to go with; to spend the holidays at home with no-one. Don't even mentions sex...
I've never had the courage to go out and seek company and/or friends, I too believed that people come into your life when the time is right. I'm thinking I might have been wrong about that. Maybe if I'd put myself more out there, I wouldn't feel lonely so much of the time?
I want to offer you advice and wise words but I can only offer you virtual hugs and icecream :(
You have such a talent in your writing, your words send shivers down my spine. PCCF is what I live for, it brings an emotion into my life that I crave; love and passion and hurt and reality. It takes me away from the everyday dramas in rl, but makes me feel like I'm living in the fic. Then I realise it's not real and I can walk away from it. But still have the knowledge that I felt those things while I was reading; then I know that I am capable of being a real human and not this being that is here just to please others.
ily. hugs and snuggles from over the seas.
<3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ginsatonic.livejournal.com
Tipping the Velvet? Gaaahhh. Umpphhh. Nrrggg. gfkhfkuyfgluygvhj

(no subject)

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kbogen.livejournal.com
Smile, we love you :)

Things will get better. They always do. I tend to have existential crises more often than I probably should...

~K

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 thank you. and there's nothing wrong with existential crises; it's good to keep thinking/questioning. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 04:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] monamour-x.livejournal.com
oh, my ryan. <3

I don’t have the words to make any of this go away. I don’t have the wisdom to give you all the answers. But I care about you so much, bb. I want to fix you so badly; I want to help. It hurts me that I can’t. I don’t know how. The only thing I can do is be here and tell you that I love you and care about you. I’m here for you. And maybe I’m living in the illusion that I make a difference, but you mean a lot to me and I hate to see you suffering. Just hold onto the hope that it’ll all get better, because it will. It has to.

It’s hard to look at other people’s lives and see them fulfilling things that they’ve dreamt of doing for a while. It’s not fair and it’s really easy to compare yourself to them; to see what they have and want that. But the truth is no one is an expert on life, so why do we all look to each other for guidance/happiness/answers? Because we have to rely on something, turn to someone? And I guess it’s good to do that. It’s good to have people in your life to make you feel good about yourself and push you to becoming the best you can be. But the problem is learning that we can’t rely entirely on that. When we come to the hardest points in our lives, we have to turn to ourselves to get out of it. And that’s so hard, because sometimes (most of the time lol) we aren’t content with ourselves. I think that’s why we feel like we need friends and people to connect to all the time; roll models, even. Because when we’re alone, we feel like there is no way to get out.

That made no sense. I’m sorry. But…maybe there was a point in there, somewhere? idk. I’m tired and so drained, lately…

This is going to make me sound really young and you sound really old (fucking fuck age into the next fucking century; I’m so sick of it, god), but. My teacher is a year younger than you (jesus fucking hell, see? I told you). But I’m like…friends with him? We’ve for reals hung out outside of school and shit, which sounds weird but it’s a long story. What I’m trying to say is…he’s still living with his parents. He hates his job (I called him a jerk when he told me this, because, hello, his job is spending time with people my age). And last week he started freaking out because over spring break one of his best friends told him she was pregnant. He was talking about how his life was passing by and he hasn’t done anything yet (sound familiar…?) and he’s all. Idk, bent up over it. But the point I’m making is…not everyone always has it figured out, bb. You aren’t alone. I don’t know how to help either of you, mainly because I’m pretty sure the only people who can get you both out of feeling this way are yourselves, but. I’m just hoping this helps you realize that…what you’re feeling? It’s normal. You want to be normal? You are. People want more out of their lives all the time. And they figure everything out, eventually, all the time, too. :)

Although, technically? Fuck normal. Normal isn’t real, bb. Everyone is different so we can’t select a ‘common’ life and expect everyone to fall under that category. I think the closest thing to normal out there is struggling through life, because everyone does at some point.

I think you should join those groups, btw. Do charities, too. I do that all the time…even if you don’t necessarily meet people (though I hope that wouldn’t be the case; I want you to meet someone you connect well with, obviously) it sometimes just helps knowing that you’ve done something, made a difference, helped out. At least for me. Nothing beats that feeling. <3

That picture :( you look sad, bb. I just. I want to be there. For you. As soon as I figure my fucking life out—college, etc.—I’m visiting you. Online just isn’t enough, anymore.

I would write more/this would be a better comment, but. Sigh. I’ve been saying that a lot lately, haven’t I? Me and my excuses…I’ll spare you lol.

I love you. Always. <3

P.S. I need to call you, again. The end.

-your brendon

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
dude, there is no illusion that you make a difference. wtf. you totally do, and i appreciate it, so much. <3

and no, that all made sense. you always say such insightful things, and it means so much. thank you.

your teacher sounds like... me. i wish i could talk to him. sigh. i need someone like that, someone who gets it, someone my age (as much as i love all of you, i think it's important for me to have more people who are going through the quarter-life crisis thing as well). well, next time you talk to him, let him know he's not alone.

i do want to help with charities. volunteer and stuff. i'm going to start looking into that. productivity makes me feel good. it's just usually i'm too depressed to be productive. and i'm depressed because i'm NOT being productive. it's such an awful cycle. :P

you do need to come here. i'm so excited, i'm seeing ivesia19 on saturday, and i think sophie's gonna come visit me in the next few months... i'm finally meeting some of you guys! BUT YOU, YOU NEED TO COME, DAMN IT.

<3 ily.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] monamour-x.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-13 10:05 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] attackdbyleaves.livejournal.com
I don't know how much any of this is worth because I can't even figure myself out, much less offer decent advice to other people, but here goes my two cents. Also, I'm not a creeper, I promise. We've talked a whole one time, I think, so that's totally sufficient for journal commenting.

The whole wanting more out of life thing, I've been stressing myself out over that every day for the past few months. I don't know what I do with my life anymore, and it scares me because I'm that annoying, obsessive person who needs to know where they're going to feel like life is worth something. I need goals, and it's like I woke up one morning and it dawned on me that being a veterinarian requires a shit ton of school and a lot of math and I would hate it, doing what it takes. Being a writer would be cool, but I haven't finished anything in like, two years, and it was a script; I've never finished a novel, ever. I don't know if I have the dedication to crank out stuff all the time.

As for friends, I think there are maybe three people in my life I talk to on a regular basis about things of real importance, so. I'm not convinced any of them understand all of it, but they listen so I talk. Because of that, being involved in my school's GSA has helped me a lot. Just being able to rant every couple weeks about life shit to people who have been there, it helps. I think you should try a group out and see how it goes.

I also get a certain other thing my girlfriend would hit me for mentioning. :P

I hope life stops being mean to you soon. I think stressing about it makes it harder to figure out, which is something I need to work on, but.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 03:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
i wanted to be a vet when i was young, until i realized i'd have to be doing stuff like putting animals to sleep, and i just couldn't handle it. :/

but you know what, you don't have to know what you want to do just yet. most people have no idea what they want to do when they go to college, and most people change their majors. and then they STILL end up in a job that's completely unrelated to what they studied. not knowing what you want at the point you're at, that's just fine. you have time.

ah, girls. :) that's certainly one way i know i'm supposed to be male. i'm a total sex addict. lol.

but thanks; your words meant a lot. it's great to hear stuff like this. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 09:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dirty-classical.livejournal.com
OK, so I'm not going to pretedn like I know you like the back of my hand because I don't, but knowing that you're feeling like this is truly shit. You are such an amazing person and I don't want you to feel so upset or lost, it's horrible.

You do have a purpose and it's a damn good purpose, you just haven't found it yet, but the thing is not everyone finds their purpose straight away. Some wait years, but with patience it comes along and it's the greatest thing ever. I believe in fate and I think that yours will come along soon enough and completely blow you away, I'll be really happy for you when it does.

Oh and being social, is really fucking hard so don't think for a second that it makes you weird because a lot of people struggle with that, you fit in with them, with us, the ones that never had a good self-concept and struggled with what they wanted for a long time. I think you're beautiful inside and out, fear makes us human, we're all entitled to be scared or unsure at times and you dont have to switch that off for anybody, just let it out as hard as that may be.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 03:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 thank you, that's really sweet.

i know; i guess it's just hard seeing people who have already found their purpose. i have an intense fear of aging, and i want to do something before i get much older. i know it's just selfish and shallow, but i can't help it.

thank you so much; it means a lot. fear does make us human, it's a good point.

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maddylonglegs.livejournal.com
Umm... I empathise. A lot of that applies to me ... except for the sex, but that's because I have no real friends, nevermind a boy/girlfriend. So, not helpful at all, but there's my two cents (or pennies, rather, seeing as I'm a brit).

Also, you look completely hot in that pic.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
<3 thanks. it's good to know others understand.

and don't sweat it; sex is almost more trouble than it's worth. :)

aww, thanks. i think i just look sad. lol

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] takkatakkatakka.livejournal.com
write a poem about it. or a short story. or a song, whatever, write a fucking novel about it, and when you're done, write another one, and another, and another, give someone else the happy ending you want or give them the life you hate or give them something else completely, and it doesn't matter if it's any good or if it means anything or if it changes anyone.

it'll make sense.


(even if you don't bother finishing it because you feel better by then.)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
yeha. that's why i write, i think.

thanks. <3

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Date: 2009-04-13 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wtfxslutface.livejournal.com
My icon is for you, to cheer you up a little bit. I'ma have to break this comment down into parts because if I don't i'll end up rambling and then everything I mean to convey might not be presented or recieved the way I want it to sooooooo.

1. You needent feel bad At ALL for having emotions that make you HUMAN (though I have my suspicions that you may, in fact, be an alien from plant hott as hell, but that's another story ;). Just because you have a need to express yourself and get things out of your head, doesn't mean you're weak or that your LJ friends are going to run away because all they want is fic. Give us a little more credit than that. <33

2. I know how it feels. And yes, empathy may be a little overrated but I HONESTLY DO. Like, I know when you're a kid you think things are going to end up the exact way you see and want them to in your head. hell I'm still a kid but I'm just starting to wonder if I've missed my shot at anything more than a normal nine to five. If I've screwed away any chance of great that my life may have held. i feel like I'm trapped in my own skin a lot of times and from what I read it sounds like you feel like that too ocasionall.
But you can't always wait for life to do something for you. Soemetimes you have to take charge and make changes yourself. I know it doesn't sound very apealing, but I've had to do it too. And yeah, life's never going to be perfect, especially for people like us. people who live "alternative" lifestyles. But in this day and age, we gotta make stuff happen ourself because we're the only people we can count on.

3. You are honestly one of the coolest people I've ever had the privelage of coming across on this world wide web. It's as simple as that. I know you have your problems too and I think that's what keeps me reading and taking in everything you post. Not just fic, but the RL stuff too because I feel like being older and more experienced and probably wiser than myself, you are someone I can look up to, even if I don't know you in RL.
I bet there are more than a few people who feel the same way I do too. I mean, I wish I had a friend like you in my life and anyone who is lucky enough to have you in there life better not be stupid enough to throw the opportunity away. That's all I can say.

4. Keep your head up. I know it seems like the last thing you want to do at times. But do it anyway. Don't let the bad stuff win. Let in every sunny day, every note and every drop of morning mist. let it all fill you up and let yourself be happy, even when it feels like the last thing you think you CAN do.

We all love you Colin.
For the person you are (and yeah, maybe a little of it's the SMUT fic you write. But most of it is just you!)
Keep that in mind, love. <33

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-14 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
EEEEEE icon! sometimes patrick is actually gayer than brendon. and those times are scary. :D

1. i know. i'm not apologizing really; i just don't want people to feel like they have to say something meaningful. i know sometimes when people post emo blogs i feel like i should say something just for the sake of it, but i never really know what to say. i don't want people to feel like that here.

2. you're totally right. we have to make things happen ourselves. i think my problem is just that most of the time i'm too depressed to get motivated enough to do that. but, i know. it's something to work on.

3. thank you. <3 that makes me feel kind of awesome. and i wish i knew you IRL too; i wish i knew ALL of you IRL. we should have a ~convention at some point or something. ;)

thanks, bb. <3 this helped. ily.
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Colin

May 2009

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