behindthec: (emo pride)
[personal profile] behindthec

some recs:

some emo (feel free to ignore; i'm not expecting anyone to listen or comment or even care, i just wanted to get it out):

sorry if i'm not very ~present lately. i've been, i don't know, deeply depressed, there's kind of no other way to put it.

i see me some cabbies on saturday with [ profile] ivesia19 though (i'll be in a better mood by then, bb, no worries :), so that should be nice. just. getting out, being with people i like, in the smoky, creepy familiarity of the masquerade, with good music, and ian with his hands on a guitar.

i'm sick today, came down with something (kept worrying it would happen for the concert(s) so i guess it's good it's happening now), so i'm not going to keri's family easter thing. which. not that that's ever much fun beyond free food, but whatever. now i'm alone. i wish my own family were... a family. i wish i had a group of friends that were my family instead. i wish i were in a band. i wish i had something that meant a lot to me, something i was passionate about enough to pursue it. i've gotten to the point where i don't really care about standing out any more; i just want to be normal. with a normal family and normal friends and a normal life, just like everyone else. people ask "but what is normal," and there's no good answer i guess, all i know is it's not my life. my life is not like other lives. i'll prove it if you really doubt it that much. i'm surrounded by so few people i really care about; nearly everyone's online, and even then most connections are superficial and interest-based. and it's not like i'm some social reject who lives in their parents' basement; when people actually do get to know me, they tend to think i'm pretty rad. it's just. i don't connect with people. i just don't. even online, where billions of people are available for the finding and selecting, i can probably name on my fingers the ones i truly have meaningful connections with. less than 10, out of all those billions, and the hundreds i've actually met. what are the odds i'd ever find one who actually lives near me. how do people meet people? i guess most people hang onto friends from high school or college, but, i was homeschooled, and for all the acquaintances i met in college, all the academically productive stuff i did, i hardly connected with anyone. i feel like now it's too late. how the hell do you meet people after college, let alone people you connect with? like, seriously, how? i'm asking. last night i looked up social groups in atlanta for, like, GLBT peeps, or people with gender issues. there's definitely some stuff, atlanta's pretty cool, but getting up the nerve to go to like, one of their meetings is another story. that's pretty intimidating to me; the few times i've tried to get involved in gay/lesbian groups, i've felt totally uncomfortable, never connected with anyone, ever. i've never tried meeting specifically trans people, though i feel that would be similar. i'm not trans the way most people are. i don't feel like the psychology of it is the same for me.

besides, for me it seems there is this law in life, somehow, that the people who end up really mattering, you don't seek out. they just fall in your lap, unexpected. i've never met anyone meaningful by seeking it out, ever; by, like, "trying" to make friends or force social interaction. so that leads me to believe i should just... sit back and wait. but that's not working either. everyone seems to already have their lives established, their friends and their goals and their dreams. even if it's nothing special, nothing fancy, even if it's still just lame and unexciting to them, everyone still has something. they have a niche of sorts. i feel like i'm just... floating.

last night keri and i went to dinner with someone she knew from high school who was back in town for the week and wanted to meet up with a few old friends. there were only 5 of us at the table, but it was. hard. everyone seems to be doing so much, productivity and travel and good times with friends and family. and i'm just. not. and i know it's not that people are problem-free or they don't have drama in their life, but it's just. everyone still seems to have *more* than i do. i don't mean in terms of money or material possessions (though, yeah, probably that too). it's just. they're getting married and having babies or they're doing this that or the other, or they're simply chilling with their family and cooking easter pies. the fuck am i doing? i'm doing shit. and i don't want to fucking cook easter pies or get married or have babies, i just want. *something*. i don't *want* to feel like my life doesn't have a point, even though life doesn't. i want to live under the delusion that it does, and then i want to find what that delusional point is, and live it. there.

add that to all the distress i have over missing my adolescence, and not being able to reclaim it now, and. yeah. you'd be depressed too.

i know it's unfair; i still have things other people would want. i have a job, one i like, and i have a keri and a pete, and a couple of friends i see occasionally, and i have a talent for writing, but it's just. there just seems to be so much more being handed out to everyone else, and i feel like i'm being overlooked. i just. i saw *more* for my life. and i don't know what to do about it. if i should pursue More, or if i'm just fighting that unable-to-be-content thing. contentment vs. settling is so, so hard to distinguish for me.

plus bandom doesn't make me happy the way it used to. and it's probably good, because i really need to stop being dependent on it for my happiness. i need to stop needing that escape. i need to, but i don't know how to, and i don't have the energy to try.

so there, in a nutshell, is my current angst.

i wish someone would just come the fuck along and fix me. there are those moments in life when things just Happen, just come along and change everything. i'm waiting for one of those. i don't know if i should stop waiting and instead try to make my own shit happen, or if something really is going to come. yesterday at panda express, my fortune said, "everything will soon come your way." (i'm lookin at you, brendon urie. IT IS WRITTEN IN MY DESTINY. EVERYTHING INCLUDES YOU. MOVE IT ON OVER.)

alternately, i could really stand to get fucked into the mattress right now. there's nothing like a good lay. being with someone who doesn't have a sex drive and who has other sexual hang-ups, when i am pretty much the most sexual person i know (brendon and i can duke it out, maybe?), it's. hard. it's fucking *hard*, okay. it sucks more than oh so many things combined. like. i don't talk about it but fuck, fuck, it's fucking motherfucking hard as fuck. i want to have sex with tons of people all the time and that's it. i can't help it. i can't. it is so, so, so hard not having that. and knowing it hurts her that i want that stuff. and not to mention my own sexual hang-ups, like the fact that i can barely stand to see myself naked or that unless you're treating me like i'm someone i'm not (i.e. a boy, a character, anything but me), sex isn't fun for me. SERIOUSLY, EVERYTHING? SUCKS.

i think i'm gonna go jerk off.

that said, please don't ask or expect anything of me right now. i'm trying to keep up with my flist but i feel like i might stop soon. i'm answering comments mostly 'cause i'm bored, but i may put that off too. emails are a long shot. i'm sorry.

thanks, though. you guys are always awesome to me, and i love and appreciate you all. please don't feel obligated to leave me any comforting words. i know most of you are here for the fic, and i've been much more emo the last few months than usual (i'm staring to understand the growing trend of personal journals vs fic journals; maybe i should do that). i just wanted to get the words out; i'm not expecting anything back.

p.s. don't hate on ryan so much in chapter 7. he loves brendon to death; that's why he's so terrified of losing him. sure, he's selfish, but aren't we all? wouldn't we all do anything in our power to keep from losing those we love? his fears make the most sense to me out of anything else in that fic. fear is the hardest emotion to face, i think, and the hardest to fight. especially when it's fear of loss, because loss and grief are the only emotions (imo) that are greater and more devastating than fear.

ETA: dyed my hair black but you can't really tell in this pic... it looks the same as it did before. whatever, at least my shirt's cool. (and so is my tie, there are little skulls on it... again, not that you can tell, camera phone fail.) no idea what that big bulge in my pant leg is... i mean yes i do, it's my giant dick, duh.

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behindthec: (Default)

May 2009

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