behindthec: (bilvy)
i just ended a four-year relationship. fuck zen, fuck dealing, fuck maturity. i need to not be in my head. like, a lot.

picspam me?




fly to atlanta and cuddle me?


i probably won't answer comments, but. i think that's allowed.

behindthec: (tomrad)

had an unusually lovely day, filled with meditation and browsing of zen books at b&n (as you may've noticed via twitter) and buying a hot-pink harness for pete (who is a pretty pretty princess) so we could take him out in this gorgeous weather.

FIC UPDATE: today in the car i made the executive decision that my next project is going to be william/tom. i'm going to base it on the fm&mk sequel that i will never write, b/c fm&mk was my first fic and it was so embarrassingly mediocre; i don't want to be associated with it anymore. but i love the premise for the sequel so much that i'm going to write it as a present-day fic on its own, leading up to the current academy/empires tour, possibly. i am so, so excited i get to use the plot; it's kind of awesome. so, look for that after pccf. i'm pretty sure my title's still going to be overexposed.

anonymous comment on ch 3 sez: I know you're a big fan of adding canon (o hai Ayn Rand reference!) to your fic so I felt like I should mention that Brendon is actually a big fan of Silverchair! Ryan has said before that Brendon has been listening to them since the early days and they both have mentioned loving the last album. :)

FML. they would love the last album; they're so gay, jesus. i love how it's anonymous, too. that's totally ross stalkin' me again, tryin' to make sure i don't portray him inaccurately. :P (i'm impressed this is my only mistake. i'm good.)

drunk vid 1 and drunk vid 2 are up. they're so lame; we're barely drunk.  but, i'm in my camouflage boxer briefs, so.

on a side note, [ profile] selectivelyurie and i have been emailing each other pictures of koalas and plotting our epic panic! at the zoo AU in capslock. it's made of so many kinds of win. we're talking pete as the crazy reptile dude, brendon and jon as zookeeper bffs in little steve irwin shorts and sneakers, and ryan and spence as snooty businessmen in italian loafers who come to rescue the zoo from the shit economy and ~revolutionize the way it's run, which includes new rules that everyone hates (like brendon and jon not being allowed to sing/play guitar for the animals every night). brendon has instant heart eyes for ryan despite ryan's assholery, and jon and spencer wind up in a very physical, supply closet-based relationship, while pete pines over patrick the zoo gift shop owner, and brendon attempts to give ryan a koala as a courtship gift, which ryan declines.

off to take schmexy pics of keri now. don't worry, i'll share. ;)

behindthec: (fangirls)
*clears throat for pwentzness*

everyone please meet my new discovery, [ profile] j_plash. she's been writing fic for a good while, but this is her first bandom, for which she made me wait long and hard (lolz). it's based on #2 of my "five times" v-day fic, and it's fantastically detailed, just keeps getting better; dissolves into the best breathplay i've ever read. the whole thing is creative and unique and suspenseful and complex and just reduced me to whimpers and keymashing. she spent an entire fucking day researching every ounce of canon/characterization before attempting to write; i think she knows more about panic than i do now. so, enjoy.

in other news, my 4-yr anniversary w/ keri is tomorrow. wow. also, yesterday an idea came to me for a fic where brendon finds out he has AIDS and then everything is really angsty and then he and one of the boys fall in love and then in the end bden dies. WTAF, BRAIN. my old rent fandom is showing. jfc.

...*adds it to spreadsheet anyway*

(chapter 2 up possibly tomorrow?)

behindthec: (pancakes!)
...if, hypothetically, ryan were to suddenly reveal the results of his piano lessons (which he mentioned he was taking, years ago in interviews), what do you think he might like to play that brendon could walk in on and see? atm i'm leaning toward this. anyone who's seen the truman show will appreciate.

link me to your youtube choices? doesn't have to be classical, but i'm thinking something gentle and romantic. btw, chapter 1 of pccf is underway and i maybe kind of love it a lot. \o/

before i go, a few recs, which i never bother with unless i don't think they've been publicized as much as they deserve.

recs, random stuff about fic philosophy, and more of my youtube madness. )

happy friday!
behindthec: (ryden.)
quick note -- i've revamped the masterlist to include summaries and genres. don't read the early stuff; it's shit, as are most of the drabbles because i wrote them in literally minutes. my favourites are hearted; read those. the patrick/bden (lapdance!fic! \o/) and bden/jon are fun too. [ profile] falling_words  should start prompting me again.

anyway, for those who now complain that their life is over along with pwf, it'll keep you occupied until i start pccf. post-cabin cabin fic update )

if you read the latest entry on[info]hard_at_work , i made THIS just to prove i wasn't kidding. (on the camperfic notes, it's supposed to say "all dynamics shift"; guess it got cut off.) i mentioned this to[info]zarah5v2 , who was complaining that she too can never seem to write anything less than epic chaptered fic anymore, and it made me start thinking i should write a short one-shot just to prove to myself i can still do it. so i may ask you guys to prompt me soon. i've gotten way too lazy prompting you; although i can't say i haven't enjoyed all the text-message porn coming from[info]stereotypeloser , [ profile] ryden_fan , [ profile] justranda , [ profile] monamour_x , plus all the morningfic from [ profile] moku_youbi  and everything [ profile] livinglifeloud  is working on because I'm love with her writing. GOD IL YOU GUISE. *wipes away tear*

today sucks. i couldn't get back to sleep at ass o'clock this morning; when i did, i had a ryden sex dream and then keri's dumbass alarm woke me. asl;kehaofupao4iw.

p.s. here are keri and me, being faildorks. 7:20-7:50 never fails to crack me up.

rywalk 3 tomorrow. 


behindthec: (piano)
more youtube dumbassery, including me attempting to play guitar, which i... don't actually play, so.

(this was before [ profile] gigasbolt came over to ~hang out, so i wasn't even drunk yet, but it's not like you can tell.)
during a very intellectual discussion about wilde this morning in the shower ("so, everyone in dorian gray is gay."  "duh."):

colin: know how i know you're gay? you gave me DORIAN GRAY to read.
keri: know how i know you're gay? i knew you'd like it.
c: know how i know you're gay? you did me up the butt last night.
k: know how i know you're gay? you liked it.
c: know how i know you're gay? you spend $40 on face wash.
k: know how i know you're gay? you know what estee lauder's pleasures smells like.
c: know how i know you're gay? you knew it was the coconut soap instead! [inside joke from yesterday]
k: ...
c: OKAY FINE, REMATCH. [brief interlude/discussion of rosencrantz & guildenstern and the questions game of epic win]
k: know how i know you're gay? you like frilly froo-froo drinks like x-rated.
c: know how i know you're gay? you like NONFAT CARAMEL MACCHIATO WITH LIGHT CARAMEL.
k: touche. know how i know you're gay? you order hot chocolate with whipped cream AND caramel.
c: know how i know you're gay? you watch me SUCK THE WHIPPED CREAM OFF THE TOP OF THE DRINK.

i love us.

behindthec: (emo pride)
see, look at that.  a little gabilliam and you forget all about chapter 10.  i'm brilliant. :P

in other news, i'm sitting in my car this morning and i catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror and i think...


and then, to solidify my claim, i took a picture. )

anyway.  it is keri's birthday today.  SHE IS TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD.  and i'll be there in two months.  people, lovely LJ people, minions of mine, PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T LOOK ALMOST-TWENTY-SIX.  PLEASE.  anyway.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERI!!!!!!!!! <33333333

here we are, being awesome. )

happy wednesday, all.

behindthec: (platform 9 3/4)
last night keri slept out in the living room with pete so i could get some sleep.  she barely got any.  i slept fine.

is my wife not the greatest, in the whole world?

now we are watching order of the phoenix on tv w/ spanish subtitles and we can't stop laughing.

i kind of love my life sometimes.

ETA: hey, an actual reason for this post now! :P  my made-of-awesome clan and i can't figure it out.

is this jon walker or alex suarez?!

like, i'm pretty sure that's jon's cat dylan (the tabby is clover), so i'd assume, y'know, jon, but jon doesn't wear that watch, does he?  like ever?  and i can sort of see alex too?  and jon doesn't have that much hair on his forearms.  it is so infuriating that i can't figure this out!  i've never even thought of a resemblance between them!

ETA II: keri pointed out the mole.  yeah.  i'm tired.  i didn't notice that.  but the mole's on the other side so someone flipped the photo so that's why it doesn't look like alex so much.  so it's, alex, holding jon's cat???  STOP CONFUSING US, BOYS.  AND *WHAT* IS WITH THE BACKGROUND?!??!  the fish?  seriously?  and all the broken pieces where somebody tried to like, photoshop out the background?  without photoshop?  and why would someone flip the pic in the first place?  what is UP with this photo??  i sense a government conspiracy.  or something related to CFOB.  or aliens.  or petewentz himself, but i am pretty sure he is maybe an alien too.  his head is weirdly shaped.  i think i need coffee.

p.s. all this is making me want to ship alex/jon.  headdesk.

p.s.s. the new (or old, if it's from the cabin???) panic song on the mixtape: there are no words for my love for it.  like.  it could be my favouritest panic song ever.  MOAR NAO PLS.

behindthec: (clancol - HORNY)
keri and are cybering each other on our respective laptops from across the room.

pete insists on jumping on my crotch repeatedly. this is slightly uncomfortable.

in other news, here, have a new OTP:

how am i going to keep PWF from turning exclusively ryan/spence after reading that???
behindthec: (slash H/S)

p.s. i just wrote the angstiest spyro one-shot ever (technically part of a larger thing we're working on, but get this, IT'S TOO ANGSTY TO USE, ASOPE8RUAP9W48APW43). it keeps making us scream "OMG WE BROKE SPENCER!!!!!!!" anyone who writes me something can get it. god only knows when i'll post.

p.s.s. becca and i re-cast anne of green gables with patd. brendon: anne. jon: gilbert. spence: marilla. ryan: who the fuck knows. possibly josie pye?

off to play guitar! oh yeah: p.s.s.s.
behindthec: (me - flirting is the path)
(mmmm... happy memory of today: driving around blasting rocket summer with the windows down and totally orgasming over avary's falsetto riffs.  UNF.)

so, okay.

riding my bike around the apartment complex in semi-darkness with bugs flying at me, and me totally abandoning the handlebars, and the wind and the roaring silence effected by the wind and, okay.  so much more effective than yoga or meditation.  just saying.

in other news, i went to a baseball game on wednesday night with my co-workers, and i spent the majority of the game texting back and forth with becca, who was in the middle of writing me like, the most intensely angsty emo one-shot like, in the universe (pete/ryan, night before pete's wedding, need i say more omfg), which SHE WAS ACTUALLY TEXTING TO ME AS SHE WROTE IT BECAUSE I COULDN'T STAND NOT HAVING IT.

i wonder what this says about me as a human being.

also, i don't care all that much at all, because it was an awesome night, and my boss is very physically affectionate and it's kind of amusing, especially when we all start debating whether or not she is a big lesbo, which we do a lot.  (it basically consists of all of us going "you ARE!!!" and her going "i am NOT!!!"  simple.  predictable.  entertaining.)

in not so unrelated news at all, it struck me today, like lightning (just as hard, just as fast, just as electrifying), that "of all the gin joints in the world" is so. totally. and completely. one hundred fucking percent WRITTEN ABOUT RYAN ROSS.  holy jesus, and just.  yeah.  fuck.  wow.

back to the game, i also spent over thirty dollars on parking, a pretzel, a coke, and cotton candy.  the world is sad, really.  i even had to borrow a dollar from chase BECAUSE COTTON CANDY APPARENTLY COSTS FIVE DOLLARS NOW.

and then.  THEN!!!!!!  THEN, when i was out of cash ENTIRELY -- I SAW SOMEONE WALKING AROUND WITH A FUNNEL CAKE.  WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GET A FUNNEL CAKE.  I SAW NO FUNNEL CAKE ANYWHERE.  i tried to force myself to see it as a lesson in contentment.  but mostly i just ended up really really wanting funnel cake.  WHEN DOES ANYONE NOT WANT FUNNEL CAKE, COME ON PPL.

keri and i got really drunk last night and made like, 35 minutes of drunken iMovie videos that included awesome phrases like, "THAT IS A DOORSTOP AND NO YOU CANNOT STICK IT UP YOUR BUM!!!!!!!!!!"  (watching the videos back this morning, we were laughing so hard we were almost in tears.)  then we had really really super emo role-play sex and it was fucking epic, okay.  yeah.  UNF.  i also attempted to play "pas de cheval" and "disenchanted" on our fantastic new electric guitar, while drunk, and ALMOST did not completely fail.

and today, TODAY, we went to the skate park because they were having an etnies thing, i don't know honestly, all i really have consciousness for when we go to the skatepark is, like, JAILBAIT.  IN SKINNYJEANS.  ON SKATEBOARDS.  HAI.  (fyi, no, okay, keri actually skates, we don't go JUST to stare at the boys.  well, she doesn't, anyway.)

eric fletcher is totally my new skaterboy crush.  i mean, COME ON, CAN YOU LOOK AT THIS AND NOT SQUEE.  though sadly when we saw him today he'd cut his hair. :/ (my last crush, blaine, has gotten a little scruffy and doesn't look underage enough anymore.  such is life.)

that is all.  i'm stalling.  b's gonna have my ass for this (and not in the good way).  i'm totally supposed to be writing lapdance fic as we speak, while she bitches about how emo her fic has gotten and tries to blame it on me.

see, this is why we work so well together. <3

how, HOW did this entry get so long?!  this was supposed to be like, TWO SENTENCES ABOUT MY ZEN BIKE RIDING EXPERIENCE.  christ.

behindthec: (emo pride)
so cliche, but whatever. i'm reflecting on the year; suck it.

shitty things of 2007:
- money problems.
- carpal tunnel/tendonitis.
- personal shit and identity crises.
- the two-week cold/flu of doom.

fucking awesome things of 2007:
- keri's graduating.
- my graduating. SUMMA CUM LAUDE.
- becoming more comfortable in my ever evolving sexuality.
- passing for a dude and getting hit on by teen girls/boys everywhere.
- having the coolest apartment of anyone i've ever known.
- hot topic bonding.
- EMO LOVE. and finally finding a style/look that fits me like a glove.
- that two-week-early special screening of order of the phoenix... and all its accompanying complications/fabulousness.
- discovering/getting into some *really really really* great bands (fall out boy, panic! at the disco, cute is what we aim for, the academy is..., boys like girls, all time low, my chemical romance, cartel... just to name a few).
- writing some fantastic fanfic, if i do say so myself.
- getting into some incredible fanfic and ships.
- learning shit about myself.
- "MOOOON!!!!! ...unmoon."
- the harry potter summer.
- alex gaskarth's stage presence. brendon and ryan's mad love affair. beckett & co. period.
- steve carell.
- role-playing and the development of my alter ego, colin.
- GETTING ALL TIME LOW'S PHONE NUMBER #(*&$)(*UF)(*&%)(*#&$(*#&$.
- the concerts(tm) (boys like girls, all time low, cartel, fall out boy, cute is what we aim for, plain white t's).
- developing really fantastic abs, and rediscovering yoga.

things i've learned in 2007:
- sex makes life so much better. but real hardcore love is still better.
- if you can't be content with where you are/what you have now, you never will be.
- you can't change people. (i am constantly evolving in my understanding/acceptance of this.)
- in the end it so, so, so really doesn't matter what other people think. (still working on this too.)
- living with pain is an inescapable part of existence.

latest pics and shit on facebook.
behindthec: (emo pride)
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
cross-dressed hardcore.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
don't make resolutions. resolutions are for people who are so incapable of improving on their own that they have to announce to themselves that they will be making said improvements (and then almost never do).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ew, babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
thank god, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
suck my cock. i'm poor.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
february something, can't remember exactly. can't say why. it was really bad.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i graduated fucking college, summa cum laude. YESSSSSSSSSS.

9. What was your biggest failure?
betraying the trust of someone i love.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
have you met me? tendonitis (or carpal tunnel, whatever) for the past EIGHT MONTHS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
probably my vans. lolz.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
this is a weird question. i don't know. everyone i know behaves well sometimes, and terribly other times.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
my own, at times.

14. Where did most of your money go?
food, bills, etc.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing keri when she came home from virginia. ♥AND the fall out boy concert!!!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
probably anything by all time low.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
much happier overall, save for my identity crisis and financial situation.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
slightly thinner, and in better shape overall.
iii. richer or poorer?
poorer, but only because i'm not living at home anymore and we're currently surviving on 1 1/4 incomes, but it's so worth it.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
read more books. it just bores me so.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV.

20. How many one-night stands?

21. What was your favourite TV program?
probably the simpsons. i don't really like any new shows.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
oh no, i hate everyone equally.

23. What was the best book you read?
i would love to say deathly hallows, but that would be a lie. the one i'm reading right now isn't bad. it's called "on desire: why we want what we want."

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
boys like girls and all time low. <3

25. What did you want and not get?
to have been long since cured of my tendonitis.

26. What was your favourite film of this year?
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!!!!!!!!! {#)%*{#)(*{)F(#$

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i don't remember; i don't do much for my birthday. i was 24. ugh. old.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

29. What kept you sane?
keri. <3

30. Who did you miss?
keri while she was away.

31. Who was the best new person you met?
whitney!!! and some really nice people on facebook who seem to like me, in bridget jones style, just as i am.

32. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
if you cannot be content with what you presently have, you will never be content.
behindthec: (Default)
Shitty things:

1. I was forced to resign this morning after only a few days of working with WordsRU because my carpal tunnel/tendonitis/whatever this is came back so badly I can scarcely sit at the computer at all. They had been very pleased with my work thus far and it would have been a very promising job, so it was a very hard and unpleasant decision for me but I know what my arms need right now is pure rest, and that's what I'm going to give them.

2. I have no money for a sex change, and never will.

3. I am old.

4. My parents have officially stopped giving me any money at all. So we are completely independent now.

5. We are fucking broke.

6. I've been sick the last few days.

7. I am wishing I had majored in something useful and less INCREDIBLY BORING. Like... rock stardom.

8. I am very depressed because of all the above things.

Good things:

1. I have reached a place in my life where I am willing to make a "good things" list!!!!!

2. Keri's job, despite our complaining, does manage to pay enough that we can pay our bills and don't go hungry or anything like that.

3. We've got almost $4,000 in savings. A few more years and we'll be able to get a house!

4. I still have my Writing Center job as long as I want it.

5. My wife works out all the time and as a result has this incredibly amazing fucking body and strong muscles and tight abs and can fuck me so hard I can barely walk afterwards and I'm getting wet just thinking about her.

6. Also, she does wicked role-playing with me in bed and takes care of me when I'm sick AND when I'm not sick and goes to work every day at a job she doesn't like in order to support us and she works so hard to be supportive and understanding of my identity/sexual issues even though they are really really hard on her and tells me every day that it will be okay and we will get through all this shitty life stuff.

7. Practically everyone I know is super cool and supportive about my current semi-trans identity.

8. I don't live a hundred years ago, therefore I do not get thrown in the nuthouse for aforementioned identity.

9. I'm starting a yoga/no-computer regimen.

10. WE SEE FALL OUT BOY, CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR, AND PLAIN WHITE T'S THIS SATURDAY NIGHT P(#*&$)(*U)(#&$)&*FW#U$)( (#)#W&$)(*#W (W&#$)Q#$)*WFP W(#&$ )(W#&$)(Q (( (Q&R$(T$UW$&PF P7YR*&YIFUUY#(P $YR*O&@A*O#YIQY** P*S#P( P9 $)&* PWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *DIES*

11. I found THE hottest HP fic the other night (the challenge was "Marauders circle-jerk, light on the Peter, leading to eventual J/S blowjob with R watching... OH BABY YES). Link available on request.

12. Speaking of, lots of good gay sex on Logo lately (I like porn when I'm sick, apparently; this is a relatively new discovery), and plenty more in the Netflix queue. :D Got Keri to watch C.R.A.Z.Y. with me the other night, P#*%&(P*G#% it just gets better every time I see it. I know what I want for Christmas. We had a really awesome time watching Maurice, too - old 80's gay flick with Hugh Grant. BEST MOVIE LINE EVER: "We demand tea!!" Fucking hell yes I love early 20th century British gay boys. <3

13. Speaking of, my gay boyfriend is awesome and visits/flirts with me every week at work. <3

14. I can still be uplifted by the shallow declarations of people on Facebook/MySpace telling me how hot I am.

15. My good list is longer than my bad list.

So yeah. Won't be on the computer much in the next few months. Can still be reached though. Cheers.
behindthec: (my gf can beat up your gf)
1. Boys Like Girls concert = PSO#*$U(_PSU*F(#$% SO AWESOME OMFG.

2. All Time Low (opening band for BLG) - SO FUCKING AWESOME I AM GOING TO MARRY ALEX GASKARTH. "I want to be inside you" (what he said to us onstage, not the name of a song :P) is still playing in my head. /heterofangirly. Also I have their cell phone number now. Don't ask. Oh yeah, baby. (I am also crushing on Brendon Urie at the moment, even though he stole my hair, but that's another day and another cup of coffee. P!ATD = love.)

3. FALL OUT BOY, PLAIN WHITE T'S, AND CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR - NOVEMBER 3, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. I will stop using caps now.

5. I am so wearing my black pinstripe Converses to Keri's brother's wedding next week. That, and a black Express suit with a dress shirt and tie - because, identifying as a boy now and going by Colin, I refuse to wear anything feminine - except for the emo look, which is very complicated because for me it's girl-trying-to-look-like-boy-trying-to-look-like-girl. Anyway, I look SO FUCKING HOT in the suit, you would just come all over yourself, trust me. And Keri is wearing this beautiful silvery dress with matching heels... we are going to be so gorgeous together it's really kind of disgusting. (I might make Alex wear a similar dress when we get married.)

6. Oh, yeah, by the way, I now have - A REAL JOB. I am AN EDITOR for My pic and bio should be up on their editors page within a few days (I'll be listed as Erin, as someone else was already Danielle... I thought about being Colin, but I couldn't figure out a way to make my bio entirely non gender specific - I'm good, but not that good :P); please do take a moment to check them out - they have "centres" in several continents, have been around for ages, and all of their editors have like Master's degrees and 20 years of experience, WTF AM I DOING THERE I AM SO INTIMIDATED!!!!!!!!!!! But disgustingly flattered.

So yeah. I FINALLY HAVE AN ANSWER to "And what are you hoping to do now that you've graduated?" Instead of "Oh, I dunno, hopefully something in editing" (read: "Congratulations; you are the 100th person to ask me this; you die now"), I get to say well ACTUALLY, I'm an EDITOR.

It won't be full time right away, and it's not wickedly lucrative, though it will probably be more so in the future... the main thing is that it's going to look fantastic on my resume, and after a few years I can probably get a more high-paying position and put Keri through grad school, which is the ultimate goal.

Anyway. I'm still in the Writing Center too for the time being, because I love it here... they somehow just talked me into presenting at the SWCA (Southeastern Writing Center Association) Conference in February, AGAIN... they all but begged me. They'd already COME UP WITH MY DISCUSSION FOR THE PANEL. LOL. That's what I get for submitting to their *other* begging, for me to be the Outreach Coordinator. Seriously, I bet if I'd asked Dr. Odom to get down on her knees and beg me, she would have. How do I get talked into this shit?!

Oh well. All expenses paid; awesome peeps going; could be worse.

Oh, and guess what? I've been cross-dressing regularly when we go out (ace bandage = love, and really painful lack of ability to breathe, but meh), and it's working. Little girls flirt with me and I even got called a stupid fag by some jackass at the mall! (See my LJ bio for more info on my "psychological experiment" and getting hit on online by gorgeous emo boys.) Life is sweet.

Also, in true emo fashion, I am getting my lip pierced in a couple weeks (have to wait till after the wedding so Keri doesn't have to "hear about it," LOL). My friend Nicole and I are both going in for piercings because we are pussies and need someone else with us. Heh. I am already assuming it's going to hurt like a mother fucker, so it can't be any worse than what I'm fearing. What is least appealing is the fact that I probably won't be able to kiss for days, even weeks. When I got the second holes in my ears, they were sensitive for MONTHS.

I just bought Keri the most awesome birthday cards. I can't wait to show her. We have been having so much fun lately. We've recently worked through what has been a big issue for us, and it's a wonderful feeling. We've been watching bad porn and awesome videos on YouTube of our favourite bands performing live, and working out a lot, which is great (I have abs to die for), and singing, and plotting our mock music videos. We have an official band name now, too: Boys With Instruments (the origin of this can be found on my Facebook profile).

I love that I love her a million times more than I did three years ago, and I love how that keeps being all exponential as time goes on. <3

ALSO, (!!!!), my parents are buying me a 22-inch moniter (hi-def with SHIZNIT SPEAKERS) for my computer for my new job, AND I got a new ergonomic keyboard, AND they're getting me a real office chair. P#*O$&P(*U(P#*$.

Guess what I'm going to do: post this and NOT CHECK FOR TYPOS. Ugh. Let's see if I can do it. (ETA: Couldn't.)

Also, recent photos:
behindthec: (emo pride)
1. i am not a teenager anymore.
- this was a surprisingly mortifying and devastatingly depression realisation. i have never felt older in my life than i did this weekend, nor ever experienced a stronger desire to be 14 again and go back to high school, as a male, and sleep with all my pretty male friends like they do in marauder-era potterfic. (i think my subconscious is reasoning that i would have less control or power as a girl; as a boy i would have much more control over my circumstances and the way my teenage life would go - i would be more aggressive and assertive.) so i have issues! bugger me sideways, i don't care, so does everyone else. mine are cooler, AND more interesting. and i'm like, all aware of them and shit. yeah.

1b. i am, and have been since i moved out of my parents' house, currently in a state of psychological regression to childhood. i miss my parents, miss being taken care of in that way (i specify in that way because lord knows keri takes care of me in many ways), and i miss the carefreeness of being a teen (despite accompanying angst), and i want to do it over again so i can have all the experiences i never had, being so sheltered. i am now old (comparatively) and can never go back, and there is much i want to have experienced. knowing i will not has been very hard to start accepting. anyhow, the regression explains my recent descent into slight* pedophilia (including the emo boys, AHA!), chanslash and cross-gen slashfic (parental relationships, AHA!), as well as my attraction to older women (hello mummy... and freud).

*meaning, y'know, nothing really younger than 13.

(1c. i don't know if ANYTHING, though, can explain my latest obsession with sirius/regulus fic other than the fact that 90% of the ppl who write them are *incredible fucking writers*... and the fact that their chemistry is just holyfuckingshitP(#$&(*FP(&#@)(*A&YF)*&P(R&@(P&PO*AUFP(#*U$P(*#$UP(*A. so there's that, i guess.)

2. having a gorgeous 13-year-old emo boy try to impress me on his skateboard is quite possibly the most embarrassingly flattering experience i have ever had with the opposite sex.

(2b. keri flicking him off afterward was also especially memorable. <3)

((2c. the marietta square on weekend evenings is emoskaterboy central. i am currently resisting the temptation to make emoskaterboy watching [like bird-watching but yummier] a weekend ritual.))

3. i am really very much in love, with the most incredible person on the planet.
- and really, the incredibleness is not infatuation with how much she loves me, but objective observation of her as a human being. just... wow. still, after over two and a half years, just... wow.

4. sex with biting that leaves giant red marks and tooth imprints on my stomach, legs, and wrists: HOTTTTTT.
- this is not actually news. more like a renaissance.

5. cartel rocks.

5b. rocks even harder.

6. we cannot go into hot topic anymore ever again for the rest of our lives because we have spent over $100 in there (or the online store) in the last three days. FUCKING HELL OMFG.
- the PROBLEM, see, is that we have the exact same taste in style and music (she is shamelessly usurping my emo phase), so if she buys a fall out boy shirt, i am going to be stealing it a lot, and if i buy one, she is going to be stealing it, because stolen clothes are somehow funner to wear than our own (EVEN THO WE SHARE OUR DRESSERS/DRAWERS OMFG). so we have to get TWO of everything, just in different styles, god damn it. (luckily there are at least two designs of shirts for all the bands we love.)


(6c. i feel this, aside from the obvious financial concerns, is a very healthy outlet for my regression phase. that and role-playing in bed omfg... which may be less healthy given how addicting it is but, as previously stated, omfg.)

7. i can cut my hair really awesomely. it's like an official talent now, i think. pics to come.

8. my new chiropractor is god.

9. love conquers all.

10. maggie smith is the shit.

11. i really, really cannot wait to see wild tigers i have known.

12. i am damn fucking good at my job. they begged me and begged me to be the writing center outreach coordinator and i didn't want to but now i am excellent at public speaking and can make a class of stone-faced braindead freshmen LAUGH. also professors all over the english department have been sending in letters to the WC saying how freaking awesome i and my presentations are. so go me.

12b. job hunting sucks. i think i am aiming too high ("fuck them and their 5 years minimum experience; i have 2 and i was the oustanding senior and summa cum laude and all that shit which is SO BETTER THAN THE EXTRA 3 YEARS"... i don't know if that's really working). i really haven't applied to that many places though, because i write really well thought out, customised cover letters for each one and that takes a REALLY long time. also my actual job is keeping me very busy.

13. at the moment, despite a lot of shit, i am utterly satisfied with life, despite its lack of being perfect and all.

14. fuck it's late. bedtime.

ETA at 12:56am: I just checked my email. LOOK WHAT I GOT.

<< Dear Danielle,
> Thank you for sending your CV to WordsRU. Could you
> please give some idea of
> your availability in terms of hours per day. Our
> rates work out at an
> average of USD 7 - 10 per 1000 words. Will this work
> for you? Regards
> Stephen >>

I think I speak for, well, myself, when I say p#&P(*UP(*&%()*WJP$*%U_P(*S&_P(#$%#%.

k thx bye & g'night.
behindthec: (regulus)
My icon is fitting BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

and because I've developed this disturbing obsession with Sirius/Regulus fics. HEY SHUT UP IT'S NOT JUST ME.

On that note, Keri (though she would be outraged if she knew I were announcing it to the world) has come to appreciate my fic whoredom. When she gets horny she'll say "Fic me" and I'll give her a good fic to read and she'll get all hot and bothered and we'll have wild hot role-play sex.

We are weird and hard-to-understand lesbians.

In other news, she has a job now, making 29K, which is not bad for a first post-college job, though it is not in her field, but it offers benefits and pays the bills, until I can find a "real" job and she can hopefully go to grad school in the next couple years (I don't think I'm going to need grad school, which is good 'cause I don't want it). Right now I am working to get my arms better (they have been a little better, but I am going to be seeing a really awesome doctor now), and serving as the Writing Center Outreach Coordinator and it is too much bother to explain what I do, but it is a nice title and I like it, even though the work is a bit of a pain, but it's good experience. I am also applying to jobs with online editing companies because then I could work from home which would be PO#*$&PJFP(#*$ bloody fantastic. But I may need more experience first.

Oh yeah: I GRADUATED, SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!! 3.9 GPA. If I do say so myself.

Also I have black hair again. I am now a 13-year-old emo boy. Or so I wish. (I am gay, but not so gay that I wouldn't totally bone a pretty underage British emo boy.) This emo phase of mine is quite pathetic; I'm too old for it anyway, and not skinny enough, and too poor to buy the clothes, and my socially unaware mum calls my hair "emu hair" and the wife and I have had the following conversations recently:

Me: We should have a party and only invite emo kids 15 years old and under.
Keri: British emo kids.
Me: Yeah. PRETTY British emo kids.
K: No, wait: SKINNY, pretty, British emo kids.
Me: Yeah.
K: No, wait: PIMPLE-FREE, skinny, pretty, British emo kids. Or Australian.
Both: Or Irish.
K: Yeah. Or Scottish.
Me: Or Kiwi. OKAY. So, under 15, skinny, pretty, British, uh... uh...?
K: Should we be writing this down?

Me: Okay. We woke up... at 10. It is now 3:30. WHAT HAVE WE DONE ALL DAY???
K: We had sex.
Me: ...Oh yeah. And watched sharks.
K: Yeah.
Me: And emo boy porn.

...yeah. so.

Latest life-in-photos on Facebook:

I am not so shallow that life doesn't still suck in a lot of ways. I am not enjoying Keri being gone all day, at ALL. She's up at 6:30 and during her training for the next five weeks, I don't see her till almost 7pm, then we have all of three hours together before bed, and a lot of that is spent working out or doing laundry or shit. Money is super tight, and it's stressful and we hate it. And now and then we'll have our usual stupid arguments about things that are not really arguments at all but annoying all the same, and y'know, marriage is hard sometimes. And I am pissed about my arms and even more pissed that I probably won't get a cushy work-from-home job and pretty soon I'll have to start getting up at 6:30 every day just like her. I'm just not very cut out for the whole life thing.

But then she comes home and kisses me and is adorable and sexy and wonderful and saves me the good parking space and makes out with me in the pool and it's somehow kind of worth it.

"So, that's that, and, no harm done."

I'm quoting Cornelius Fudge wtf. I am such a Potterslut. Shut up spellcheck, Potterslut is totally a word, and SO IS SPELLCHECK OMFG.
behindthec: (Default)
Random update! I don't think anyone reads this, but oh well... I am at work, see, and I cannot bring myself to read another word of my 800-page book (and NO it is NOT Harry Potter - if any course syllabus lists Little Dorrit, RUN), but my conscience won't let me work on my notes for my new fanfic because that is about the least homework-related activity imaginable, so I am compromising by writing a blog, which I never write anymore, and I have been very happy about that. 

I dyed my hair Wednesday night, score! )

If you tell me it looks blue (as everyone has done thus far) I will shoot you with deathglare(tm). Which is rather the opposite of the Gary Oldman smirk (the Garysmirk(tm)) of which I have come to be so fond lately. (HAHA I MADE SENTENCE FRAGMENT *blows raspberry*.) I specifically passed over the shade of "Blue-Black," which I used last time and only liked for about two weeks, and chose "Bright Black." Which apparently still has a blue-ishness to it. Don't talk about it. I am going black in honor of Sirius, who is still alive and all, and the upcoming book/movie (i.e., black is the color of mourning, which is what I will be doing after the last book comes out).

Anyway, it's so much better than what it was. Black hair tends to look good no matter what. Even when it looks BAD it looks good. And it brings out my green eyes, so I'm feeling very Harry Potter-esque.

And speaking of Gary Oldman (...okay, that was like two paragraphs ago, but whatever), I have kind of fallen in love with him like mad (in a really disgusting hetero way; it's ridiculous) and have been watching all of his movies. I even signed up for a month of Netflix (just a month!) EXCLUSIVELY FOR THIS PURPOSE (stuff like Sid & Nancy and the obscure faggy flick he did in the 80's are not to be found at ye olde local Blockbusters). Immortal Beloved gave me chills and got me playing the piano again with almost rabid passion, and I am currently re-learning Moonlight Sonata to play for Keri when she gets home. <3

I don't know if it's just the frenzy of the book and movie coming out, or the fact that I am alone so much of the time since Keri's not around and thus have returned to fandom out of necessity, but I have become obsessed, like WHOA, with HP in a way I never have before. All my innocuous crushes on all the guys (Dan, Tom, now Gary, and David and Jason and everyone else) are like, full-blown crushes that are making my lesbian self scream in protest and utter bewilderment/disillusionment. It's actually brought up a lot of issues that I won't get into, but I am relatively happy, so that is good.

So, yeah, wrote my first fic in the fandom last week and just posted. Have a look if you can handle the underground cult ship of Harry/Sirius.
Read My Mind by Lola B.

I guess I am a bad English major; I have been secretly asking "Who's Kurt Vonnegut?" for the last three days. (I know the name, but that's about it.)

So Keri comes home in less than a month. P#OS*$&PSfjpoS*UP#$(*#Y:KHeiHS#&$#*NFE$$(*#&!Y@)*&. I... yeah. We have our apartment, and I could not possibly be more excited.

SHARE end-of-the-year staff dinner tonight, woohoo!; we just got an email and apparently the magazine is coming back from the printer's TODAY!!!!! And our big launch party - open to the public, btw - is April 20 at the Three Bears Cafe. EVERYONE FUCKING COME. It's going to be awesome. I feel very Bridget Jones about it, and am dying for someone to ask me the day before to do something the next day, so I can say, "No, tomorrow's the launch!" I am l0zer.

All the fanfic writing (56 pages in about 3 days) gave me another bout of carpel tunnel, and it's not going away yet. It sucks ass. Yet here I am, typing away. Stupid me.

I think that is all I have to say. I am really on top of all my schoolwork though, and have been doing everything way in advance so I don't get slammed at the end. I'm very proud of myself. I miss my wife like whoa. I have reached a stage of constant, unceasing horniness, which shall not be abated until she comes home.

behindthec: (hogwarts = LIFE.)
Hmmmmmm... let's see... should I:

- go back to the WC before it closes and grab the issue of Time with the the really awesome-looking Opus Dei expose on the cover


- study for pneumonia class tonight.
Decisions, decisions.

We had freakishly awesome cake here in the English Dept. earlier.  And JOY OF ALL JOYS, I switched my hours with David so I don't have to get up early tomorrow after all, EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!  *dances - though weakly, being beat by the insomnia and all*

I've got my shrink appointment tomorrow at 11:20.  I really, really hate saying that.  It's not what you think.  I hate shrinks - you can thank my ex for that.  Aside from the fact that because of her advice I ended up in a shitty-ass state ward for 44 hours, lied my way out ("Oh yeah, I'm fine, I was never really suicidal, I just overreacted" - God, doctors are so dumb) and left utterly traumatized... she has been completely childishly unhealthily addicted to seeing the same shrink for God knows how long and she's still just as screwed up as she was when I met her.  Ha HA.

Anyway, plus I just loathe the idea of paying some stranger to mess around in my head.  I feel better after talking about all my psychological stuff with Keri than I ever have with any shrink.  (Yay for the wife being psych-student-of-the-year at RMWC. :D)

So I only see Dr. Thomas once every four months or so (thank God, 'cause I couldn't afford visits of any more frequency) because I take Trazodone every night to sleep and it's a psychiatric medication so I have to go to a psychiatric doctor to get it.  It's highly innocuous as medications go, thankfully - my dependency on now it is largely if not entirely psychological.  But there's not much I can do about that because it helps me sleep and that's all that matters.  Because, obviously, I have to sleep.  And without it, well, I can't.  At least not right now.

End of angsty update about my current state of existence.  Woo.

I swear Keri and I are on the same psychic wavelength.  She barely slept last night either.  (Amazingly, we take the same dosage of Trazodone every night for the same purpose.)  "I think I just missed having you in my bed," she concluded.  I agree.  I missed her a lot last night.  Even just spending two consecutive nights with her gets me in a pattern that is less than pleasant to break.

Sadly, she's working till like midnight tonight so I won't see her tomorrow after class around 5... at which point we are SO going to see "Cars" OMG YAY!!!

<3 Pixarluv <3

Which also means I will have nothing to do tonight after our truncated germ-filled class.  I feel another round of HP gaming coming on.  Or, y'know, I could do tomorrow's reading.


Grudgingly back to work.


behindthec: (Default)

May 2009

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