oh darlin i know what you're going through

[behindthec]

so i guess now's as good a time as any to announce it: i'm going to be starting a semi-epic ryden fic fairly soon.



i've been working on all those post-pwf things i planned. i'm eating better, somewhat. exercising, somewhat. playing music and reading, somewhat. they're excruciating baby steps and excruciatingly hard because depression kills passion, and as much as i want to want to do these things, most of the time i just really don't want to. and i end up slumping back into fandom to escape. so healthy!

but i guess i've learned over the years that cold turkey isn't for me. so i'm going to fucking stay in fandom, if to a lesser degree, because what point is having this fic writing itself in my head and me saying "no, go away, i'm not supposed to get caught up in this stuff anymore," and then just being miserable and distracted all the time because i'm denying myself what i want, which is to write this damn thing because it's going to be awesome.

so i'm going to write it, and it's going to be awesome. just saying.

on the upside, i had an idea for an actual novel recently. it may come to nothing, but it was something. it was like a little flicker of light from a dead light bulb. lamest analogy ever. i'm tired and depressed.

i just want to thank everyone again who's talked with me about all this stuff, here or via email or text or whatever, over the last few months. all those conversations have really, really meant a lot to me. and so much of what you guys said, combined, really has done a lot for the way i view things. most importantly my mantra has become life isn't supposed to be anything. which a lot of you said in various ways. and it IS helping, so, god, thank you all, so much.

OKAY SO. the ryden premise is simple. ryan randomly takes brendon on a road trip to the cabin two years after they all spent their summer there. takes place in summer '09. their relationship develops in incredible, intense, but subtle ways, and that's the whole plot. lots of late-night conversations, time spent on the lake, maybe writing together. bonus, ryan's in a buddhism/yoga phase. ;) i've discussed with many of you how amusing this could be; i'm quite looking forward to it. the kicker is that something ~happened at the cabin the first time they were there, so the tagline is sort of like (yes, titanic reference here), "are you ready to go back to the cabin?" lulz. and by "something happened" i don't mean a mysterious murder occurred on the lake. i mean the vaguely slashy kind of something. maybe. ;)

anyway, i'd been calling it the "post-cabin cabin fic i'm not allowed to write" b/c i came up with the idea while i was writing pwf and was constantly tempted to put pwf on hold to write it. so yeah, this idea's been around for months, and i'm no less obsessed with passionate about it now than i was when it came to me. i'm going to be calling it PCCF, so that's your new code to remember. i thought those of you who miss pwf would appreciate the consistency. :)

i have a couple pages of notes but i'll have to spend a good long time working out an outline before anything can even begin. i'm not going to rush this and let it take over my life the way i did with pwf, but rest assured once i start posting i'll never leave you with an unfinished fic, ever. i'm shooting for ~50k words, maybe 7ish chapters. i don't want anything TOO epic. but anyway, the following conversation/scene is in my notes, in a very rough form, so i'm going to type it out for you just because i really like the dialogue, and this is a really significant step in the way they develop together/discover themselves/each other on the trip. this is late one night, sprawled out on ryan's bed, staring up through the skylight (YES, ryan gets a massive skylight where they can stargaze! i win!) sorry this looks like a badficcy IM convo, lol.

B: have you ever kissed a guy?  i mean, besides... y'know.
R: yeah, a few times.
B: ever done more?
R: i... no.
B: ever wanted to do more?
[R stares at him a long time, silent, and says...] sometimes. girls are easier. all over, just, easier. no one will look at me weird when i'm with a girl. as long as i date girls, the band will still be about the music. if i started sleeping with a guy, every interviewer in the world would try to connect every question, every lyric to where i put my dick. i don't want that. not for us, not for the band.
B: so that's why you date girls, because you don't want to be known as the gay songwriter?
R: no. i. i like girls. it's easier. they're not afraid of emotions, so they're not afraid of *my* emotions. i can talk about things with them that most guys wouldn't want to hear about. stuff, y'know. like. the kind of stuff we talk about.
B: so... you're straight?
R: i. i'm just. just because girls are easier doesn't mean i. i don't...
B: so you're bi.
R: um... like, seriously? i mean, i figure you of all people wouldn't be so hung up on labels, bren. are they really that important?
B: no.
R: then what are you trying to figure out?
B: i'm trying to figure out what was going through your head two years ago when you kissed me.

that isn't the end of the scene, but i figure that's a good place to leave you. ;) they also have a fantastically AWESOME convo at one point where they talk about their kinks and ryan gets so embarrassed and it's awesome, the end. and they share secrets. it's all a big lesbian slumber party, really. and many of you already know this song features in the fic, most definitely.  as will clair de lune (ugh, why did twilight have to teenybopperize that song forever, FML).  oh, and there's definitely a pwf-chapter-11-esque moment with angsty!brendon at the piano in the middle of the night, and he looks up and sees ryan coming down the stairs wearing nothing but...

so yeah, you have that to look forward to. ;)

anyway, i'm really excited to share it with you guys when it gets going, so. hope you'll like it.

part 2 of rywalk should be up maybe tomorrow. i don't want to drag this out; it's already finished. have a great week, loves.