"THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BOYS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!"

[behindthec]

cut for hugeness, polls, brainstorming, recs, etc.



a few recs:

http://dys-topia.livejournal.com/4819.html
SHE WROTE IT!!!!!!!!! *dances* don't ask me why i like this pairing; it is too complex to explain. HOWEVER, everyone must write it now, in order to win my eternal love. please please please please please??

http://emmuzka.livejournal.com/296825.html
this is really disturbing, but amazing. read the warnings. i would LOVE a sequel.

http://community.livejournal.com/diedandreborn/46037.html
utterly delicious. oh god. more of this forever. sleepysex with top!ryan is my favourite. nnngggghh.

random, but BEST MOTHERFUCKING ICON EVER. the_randomist... ily.

also totally random, but something popped up in my gmail ads yesterday and it took me a moment to figure out why, and it's because the following line is in chapter 8 (i write all fic in gmail drafts): "Brendon steps outside, out the glass doors and down the path, past the hammock until his bare feet meet sun-warmed wood." HERE IS THE SCREENSHOT:



can't stop laughing, omfg!

so, okay. i really wish people wouldn't go anon just to tell me something they think i don't want to hear. (exception being when i know who you are but for privacy reasons you go anon to say something; that's FINE). if you go anon just to say something you're afraid to say logged in (said exception aside), dude, i'm not going to dislike you for expressing your opinion, especially when it's done nicely. i respect all opinions expressed maturely and politely. i don't care what you say to me; i have no idea who you are; even non-anon you're still just an icon and a username. we're all open and friendly here. don't be afraid.

i hate how so many people here seem to be (and often admit to once being) intimidated by me. what the hell is so off-putting about me? i talk to everyone. i answer every comment, message, and email (eventually). i hold open house posts for lurkers, where i've made some of my best friends. how am i intimidating? i don't get it. :(

i also i wanted to reply publicly to that comment about biting off more than i can chew, fic-wise, to explain how i write. first off, i am not planning on writing all these fics at once. :P i'll be choosing one, and the others will be put on hold. the way i work is, i have to write whatever fic i am obsessed with at the time. so i may have tons of ideas and planned-out fics in my mind, but when i actually sit down and commit to something, it has to be what i'm excited/obsessed/passionate about at that given moment; once i actually start writing it, i generally stay obsessed till i finish. this is why i so rarely take prompts or requests, and when i do, i make a huge prompt post and pick the one i connect with most. i have to really *want* to write the fic; i can't write based on what you guys want or when. for it to turn out well, it has to be what i want, when i want it. that sounds so selfish, but that's the only way it works. otherwise i won't enjoy it, and the quality will suffer. make sense?

also, the reason i'm so excited about this fic is because it would be my first real AU, and you know i've always been very meh about AUs in the past b/c they don't feel real to me, and i'm big on canon. but canon is stressing me out too much lately; i'm too attached to it, too affected by it, too dependent on it; i think it would be really emotionally healthy for me to write something that i have complete control over; where it doesn't matter if ryan's doing coke IRL or brendon has a girlfriend. plus i think it's a very important transitional step for me to take if i ever want to write original fiction someday, which i do. plus it's just indulgent and FUN, and i want fic to be fun again.

so, there's my reasoning.

moving on! okay, so clearly, there are as many people for kilts as against them. i personally still find them kind of ridiculous, though the fact that someone mentioned they were generally worn without underwear is a definite plus. idk. what do you think? feel free to post photographic support for your opinion in the comments, otherwise i'm going with no.

[Poll #1384130]

i could always set this in ireland too, considering i have a much stronger mental memory of irish accents than i do scottish (and i even PREFER irish accents). We went with scottish b/c sara had heard that ryan is part scottish, and we know brendon is, but… idk, i could definitely go irish. thoughts?

[Poll #1384131]

also, bagpipes are out; i just went with them initially 'cause it was obvious. :P pianos, so much sexier than bagpipes. also, my first historical request: what other instruments were there in late 19th century scotland? anything guitar-esque? AUs are much easier for me to swallow (lol) if they maintain the basic canon of the characters being musicians. i want ryan to play something. also, i have some ideas for what to do with jon and spence and other bandom peeps, but if you have thoughts for them, let's hear it. i'm considering a side of joncer, maybe. idk. kinda cliche.

last night before bed my brain developed about 2k worth of dialogue for this fic, which is. a very good or very bad thing. some more brainstorming with soph last night:

Sophie: me: AND BY "THE WORLD" HE MEANS "MY DICK"
Sophie: WELL YES
lols
me: YESSSSS :D
or maybe oh god
5:11 PM
maybe he and brendon had this adorable ~courtship before
and they ksised and stuff
but never actually had sex
and before they could, ryan was sold as a slave!
Sophie: awww
me: so when they meet up again years later, they get to have their first time!
Sophie: i think they should flirt
me: total epic faily flirting
Sophie: def
me: brenodn can bring him fucking FLOWERS and stuff
5:12 PM
Sophie: omgggggg
and Ryan's all blushy and Idk-what-to-do-with-this-affection
me: i knowwwwww
Sophie: but also smiley
me: and they have to run off to the park at night to be alone, 'cause, ryan's dad
5:13 PM
Sophie: yess
and pls bden has to hrow pebbles at ryan's window
me: OF COURSE.
and climb the tree to his window while wearing his kilt :D
Sophie: AND RYAN CLIMBS DOWN AND IS FAILY AND BDEN HAS TO CATCH HIM
me: YES!!!!
5:14 PM
and they are all tangled and blushy on the ground
Sophie: like in the making of that green gentleman video
me: :LSKEJR:LIEFE YES!!!!!
that gif makes my life
Sophie: and bden's just like eeeeeeeee, I caught a ryro
gif?
i has no gif
just the dvd lol
me: EEEEEEE
oh, well, gifs of it have been made lol
5:15 PM
Sophie: well. yes
AND THE MOON IS OUT. AND RYAN IS PRETTY. AND BRENDON IS LIKE "... you're pretty"
5:16 PM
and it is cold so he has to give ryan is coat
except then ryan is a girl
lol
i fail at making them boys
me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
THEY DONT' HAVE TO BE BOYS IN THIS
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT
Sophie: YESSSSSS \o/
5:17 PM
maybe they should nearly kiss but then Ryan sez he has to go home
and Bden thinks they can ~nxt time
and then Ryan gets made a sex slave
me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW
ASKLERJAOFAPO3I
nooooo!!!
they have to have one kiss!!!
5:18 PM
Sophie: hahaha
fiiiiine
is your fic
lol
me: ONE KISS
BEFORE YEARS OF MISERY
come on
i just need to figure out how he gets all ~stolen. or if his father ends up broke and actually sells him. :/
5:19 PM
Sophie: HAHA I SEX OK
UM. SEZ
me: HAHAHAHA
you sex okay
Sophie: i do ok
i thinks he gets sold :/
me: i knowwww ugh
5:20 PM
Sophie: which is like. gah.
me: i KNOW
Sophie: and can Bden get pissed at his dad?
or something?
me: yeah, totally
i see his dad eventually committing suicide though
once he realizes what he's done
maybe he was drunk when he sold him
Sophie: yeah
makes sense. in a morbid way
me: UGH POOR RYAN
5:21 PM
Sophie: why are we writing such depressing aus?
me: I DON'T KNOW
Sophie: they are aus. WE COULD HAVE UNICORNS
me: KIK!!!!!
er, LOL!!!
Sophie: lolol
me: YES
BRENODN RESCUES RYAN ON A UNICORN
LIKE IN PRIZONER OF AZKABAN
prisoner, even
Sophie: OMG YES
me: AND ITS NAME IS SPARKLES
Sophie: omg lol
5:22 PM
:D
okay. srs bsnss

*headdesk* that last bit was a joke. most of this is a joke. :P

what i wanted is for them to have a kiss (or maybe sex, once), and then the next day ryan is sold into slavery. brendon is present for it all, he's hanging onto the bars on the back of the carriage where ryan is locked in, their fingers overlapping as brendon promises him, "i'll come for you, i promise." and such begins the Quest.

also, thoughts for what ryan's dad's shop is? what kind of business? i have some ideas for how ry and bden meet; i think ryan sees him around a few times before, gets caught staring, etc., and then he finally runs into him (literally, b/c, cute) in the marketplace one day. and is utterly faily and shy and ends up running off. but bden just smiles after him because he's all hearteyes and stuff. ugh, so many ideas swarming in my head. all i want to do is sit and write them down all day, and instead i have to work. :(

i will jot down this one moment i don't want to forget. ryan and brendon sneak off during one point in their faily ~courtship and spend the afternoon by the river or something, sprawled on their backs watching the sun, and the subject of death comes up, and ryan talks about how you have to live each moment, b/c you could die the next (in typical melodramatic, morbid ross fashion :P), and bden's kinda quiet... and that night is the night he throws pebbles at ryan's window in the middle of the night (\o/!), and ryan opens up and lets him in (AHEM) and he's like wtf are you doing here dumbass, my dad will ACTUALLY MURDER YOU if he finds out. and bden just crowds him against the wall, breathless, their foreheads touching, hands joined, and says, "i know, i know, i just couldn't, what if we died and i'd never told you?" and ry's like, "told me what?" and bren says, "that i love you," like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and kisses him. UGH MY HEART. i really, really want them to have sex that one night, and then the next day ryan gets taken. :'( but, i also love the idea of them having their First Time years later... y'know... um... after ryan's been a SEX SLAVE for however many years, so, okay, maybe not. :P though, bden could teach him how sex is ~beautiful. *eyeroll* clicheeeeeeeeeee, ack! thoughts?

sigh. my brain. my life. enough of this nonsense.

Comments

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Haha, that was off the cuff 3am commentfic ;D The real version will be better. Definitely :P

Haha, dw, I'm pretty sure we're on it :D I hope we're on it, lol :) I like it a lot XD

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

His voice is flawless. "How do you want me, sir?" 10 parts fake submission, 5 parts seduction, tailored to perfection, not a hint of what he thinks of this scum.
OHMYGOD this just made me feel so much in one second I thought I was about to explode...

AND THEN YOU GO AND DO THIS:

He bows his head a little further, because there's no role he can't play, nothing he can't do. If -this man- came here to fuck the innocent boy buried in Ryan's heart, then Ryan will tear that out into the open and give it to the filth, because he doesn't need it anymore, doesn't need anything. This is what he is. This is what he is now. The tone of Ryan's voice is carefully measured--the tilt of his head, the spread of his legs as deliberate as ever, and he murmurs, quietly, 10 parts fake submission and 5 parts seduction and barely even a trace of defeat--"You can call me that if you like."

JUST IDEK. IDEFK....... 32GYWFBNVWHUEFNJEF8R2T7T4BE73W

SORRY, BRB, DYING OF AWESOME. AND HEARTBREAK. AND KEYSMASHES.

Just, that is such complete and utter genius, that Ryan thinks Brendon is just like all the others - that he's got absolutely nothing left to cling on to? Just, such perfection.

I'm gushing now so I'll stop. <3

[(Anonymous)]

Ok. I'm a lurker, obviously. I'm one who doesn't really want to have to deal with getting an LJ, and I haven't really commented before. however, I do have to say that I love your stuff, and I have one piece of input: mandolin. my granddad is Scottish, and he used to play the mandolin. it's beautiful. (and you had said something about a guitar like instrument. so there you go.)

also, I would imagine that most lurkers are just in it for the fic. or that they don't want to have to deal with interaction from anyone. (and even if they do comment, they wont be expected to later on. just if you were still wondering)

And like I said, mandolin. :D

[sexifulness.livejournal.com]

i just dont have fic to bond over so i didnt think you would find me so interesting. but thats good to hear :)

[eilo18.livejournal.com]

i see, that's cool :)
if you do decide to go with the scottish though, i can help :D

kilts & bagpipes are awful! ahaha.

i know you probably know all this, but i thought i'd put my (useless) degree in classical music to some sort of minor use and give you a hand with the whole music thing:
19th century - piano had just started becoming popular even though it had been invented at the beginning of the 18th century. still had some technichal faults, but beethoven in particular encouraged its development and usage in music. wind instruments were maturing, in particular clarinet, use of wind in music had become more popular. someone on this topic said the lute was used - the lute had basically fallen out of existence in the 1800s, so the mandolin's probably the best bet for guitar instruments at that time, maybe classical guitar at a stretch...

hope that's even a tiny help :/

[apples]

i like the not-having-sex thing. maybe they get close, but i think it'll be better if they don't. and then there's the added weirdness of "i loved you and almost had sex with you, but we haven't seen each otehr for years. do we pick up where we left off or what?" and i think THAT could be faily and hilarious to watch, but also srs and interesting. you know?

also, if you get everyone all hot and bothered with your about-to-have-sex not!sex scene, when they ~finally get together it will be all the more awesome. :D

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Ryyyyyyyan. Well, and Brendon, 'cause god what this would do to Brendon, but...Ryan. This whole scene and the few after have totally been invading my brain all day at work, lol :S Boyyyyyys. I so hope this fic turns out as awesome as we all want it to, lol XD

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's totally true; really don't want bookshop sellers to sell their sons as sex slaves. :(

But the only thing I was thinking is that if Ryan's been a sex slave for like 8 years or whatever it's not like it's gonna be the first time he's had sex is it? I think his first time EVER should be his first time with Brendon, and then after that he kinda forgets how beautiful it was and believes sex is this horrible thing he's being forced to do and always wonders, when he's alone in the dark being abused and crying into his pillow at night, if that time with Brendon was just a dream, if it never was amazing as he remembers it? I just think maybe his first time should be with Brendon.... but whatever dude, your fic! It's gonna be awesome either way. XD

So excited for this, my God. And PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE tell me you're gonna totally use that scene j_plash wrote with Ryan all like "How do you want me sir?" and Bden like "Ryan! :(((" and Ryan like "OMGNOEZNOTHIM!! .... "You can call me that if you like..."
Just... gah, broke my heart. :(

PLUS....

Harp? OMFG those fingers playing the HARP?? Are you TRYING to kill me???

And oh yes. I'm sure Ryan could blow Bden forlornly if he wanted... ;)

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

OhMyGod, Brendon realising Ryan thinks he's just like all the others??? Being all like "How could you think that of me?? Do you really believe me capable of that or do you not know me at all??"
OHGOD. Actually crying now. :(

And then Ryan's all like "I don't know who you are anymore. I thought I did but you're here and you're like a stranger now. The boy I loved once is dead"

Just... 04HNE0KAD8YN3QE0NEW89BNEWNW

Potential for some major angst here. Good. Colin'll like that. :P

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ooooooh. sweet. well, i will write that brendon was originally from scotland but raised in ireland. since apparently this is switching to irish!AU now. lol

<3 thanks bb.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ah, i meant... if spencer's dad bought ryan for himself, as opposed to being all "here son, i gots youz a present." so ry would technically be mr. smith's slave, not spencer's. otherwise i'd have to go the whole cliched route of spencer being all "don't worry, i know you're here to ~pleasure me, but i'd never touch you that way... oh, that is, until we become BFFs and we both want it." meh.

yeah, i also thought jon could possibly be bden's business partner/associate/whatever, so bden drags him to paris and that's how jon ends up helping after bden's captured. tho jon would prolly just go to the polic... idk.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

hehe yessssss. 19th century guitar tech, awesome. shane could be brendon's business associate then. idk.

right (re: year 4). i'm not sure why he's at spencer's. i mean. spencer's dad buys him as a sex slave. idk why, really. he's purdy?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ah, mandolin indeed. good idea! i think i'm kinda stuck on harp now, though... just, his FINGERS, omg.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

thanks! that totally does help. <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah, i like that too. angstier!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ah, well the thing is, he runs into a spencer during his years as a slave, and he and spence become really close and there is comfort sex of sorts. so, he does have that positive memory of sex.

ahaha, the "how do you want me sir?" was my original line. ;) *preens* i will definitely use that scene as a starting point, but i feel like it might be from bden's pov. i'm not sure yet.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Long ramble below :P

Ok, see my worry is, if we have him being bought as a sex slave for Spencer's dad (*insert appropriate shudder*)...I'm not sure how we then get him with Spencer. Unless you have an idea? I just can't find the conversation in my head that would make it work. Unless...hm, actually, maybe I was just thinking in totally the wrong direction on Friday when I was thinking about it :D Like, what I was thinking was that for Spencer to keep the high ground, Ryan needs to be the one who starts it...I mean, Spencer can *want* him and try to hide it because he'd never go there and Ryan catches that look in his eyes one day and Spencer is mortified and panicky but Ryan doesn't stop thinking about it and at some point is all sort of 'I want to try. I want to...that's normal, right? I want to try to be normal'. BUT I could only see that working if Ryan wasn't having everything else happen anymore, if he was sort of going I'm safe now, Spencer swears no one's ever going to hurt him again, and he eventually gets to this place where he wants to try to salvage himself. BUT it could sort of come from a different, more screwed up direction, if there was the (*further shudder* :P) Spencer's dad thing, a more violent, warped, really unhealthy sort of reclaiming thing, make their relationship really screwed up...draw a slightly different trajectory for Ryan's character. Though I'm not sure how that could become a positive/loving sexual experience for him to remember later when Brendon reappears. Idk, ok, no, *wait*, actually, so it could start out that way, angry and with the beginnings of the shift into bitterness and strength, and with very little care for Spencer, almost using him; but Ryan's not there just yet with the hatred and the ice, and as he realises that Spencer really cares about him deeply, everything changes, his reasons change, he doesn't understand anything anymore, and he gets too attached, and the shell breaks, and the way he's opening up to Spencer despite himself opens himself up to everything else that's happening so that he just breaks completely. Sort of a third different character trajectory it could take.

Did any of that make sense? :P I quite like the last idea or something like it, just 'cause it does, as you say, avoid the cliche. What do you think?

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Said most things in the other comment, but whatever way it works out, I think you're right, we don't want an 'until we both want it' thing, I think it has to be a 'the fact that Spencer wants it is irrelevant, Ryan is determined and talks him into it' thing. If that makes sense, lol.

Yeah, that could work too. Though Jon would prob need some kind of inside connection or there's no reason he'd be more successful at rescuing them than Brendon was...well, except for him being less made of fail XD Which is actually plenty of reason, lmao :D Hehehe. Poor Brendon :P So yeah, Jon could be from Brendon's side, Shane could fit in somewhere...Idk. It would make sense for someone from Brendon's side to exist/notice he's missing.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Oh, and wrote a whole string more dialogue at work the other day off the end of that commentsketching I was doing somewhere in these comments of *the heroic and heartbroken return of Brendon Urie* (*snort* :P), must type up and paste it on the end, lol XD (lacking sleep, ignore me if I sound like a mad person :P)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yayyyyyy can't wait to see!

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Commentficcing some more of this out 'cause it's been spinning round my head all week :D All just commentfic, all rough as it gets, forgive crappiness, lol :S

The touch doesn't come. Or rather...it doesn't come when it should, then it does, a moment later, but it's wrong, all wrong, too gentle, too kind, fingertips tentative on his knee when Ryan would give almost anything for this to be rough and purposeful and unmistakable, and it takes all his control to stop his limbs shaking. And that voice again, quiet, barely a breath. "Ryan..."

Ryan has lines for this. There are lists of people who want this to be sweet, the occasional women particularly but a fair share of men as well, clients who would prefer not to remember that they're clients, and Ryan has lines, but...
Soft, deeper--older--than in Ryan's memory; "Ry, talk to me..."
Lines and everything he's built here are rapidly falling apart, and it's all he can do to obey, to speak, to cling back into the standards that he probably murmurs in his sleep now. "What would you like tonight?"
It's all wrong, and he flinches away almost before the line's out, and the half of Ryan that's far, far too glad of that to be safe, and the part of him that's furious because he's good, and no one's drawn back from him in years are both drowned out by the part that is just fucked, completely lost, and doing more drowning than searching in the frantic effort to stay above water.
"No," the voice that isn't anyone, barely even sounds the same murmurs, standing again, "No Ryan, no, I...I've got to get you out of here." Louder, more firm. "I'm going to get you out of here."

Ryan sits, and breathes. Breathe. It's just a line. It's not the first time he's heard it by any means, and if he hasn't wanted to believe it like this since the early days, since the first few times when he did believe it, that means nothing. It's an easy lie, such an easy lie, sweet, meaningless promises made by sick, heartless men who like control, and Ryan doesn't fall for easy lies. Ryan has two very simple, well-acted alternative responses to that particular promise, in fact; pathetically fawning, credulous expressions of gratitude where appropriate, the equally easy lie that he doesn't want out, that he wants 'only to serve' for others, and Ryan's good at judging what they want to hear. Right now, he wouldn't have a clue, and that's terrifying. The former takes more acting, though, and Ryan's having enough trouble staying sitting on the bed right now, so he falls back on something like the latter, tailored as best he can, and begs himself to sound believable. "You don't have to," he murmurs, and his voice is steady, at least, "I want only--"
"No. No." It's loud enough, firm enough to cut Ryan off mid-sentence, and Ryan's pretty sure that's the intention. "No, look, Ryan, please--I...wait. Wait." He comes close again, drops back down to Ryan's level, and leans in, and Ryan can't help the way he tenses...but that's as close as he comes. "Is someone watching the room?" A whisper in Ryan's ear.
It takes Ryan a moment to process, but at least it's an easy answer. "You pay for privacy here, sir. This is a high class establishment. There is no one closer than the men you would have seen in the hall for security, unless you'd prefer--"
But--the name--the name he can't keep out, an ache in his head--Brendon Urie--draws back, just far enough to catch Ryan's eyes, just far enough that Ryan can't look away. "Really?"
His eyes are huge, and just exactly the same as they were a world away and eight years in the past when someone who wasn't Ryan, wasn't, really, saw them differently, and never forgot. His voice is still a whisper. "Then...why? Ryan...I...please..."
Ryan doesn't know what he's asking for. Ryan doesn't know anything, because nothing makes sense, because none of this makes sense, but he's inches away, eyes wide and inescapable, and Ryan doesn't get it, doesn't understand at all, but he knows what he's meant to do, and so...he does. He half-shuts his eyes, tilts his head, leans in, slowly...and Brendon jerks away so quickly he trips over his awkwardly bent legs and falls backwards on his ass.

:P And out of character limit, lol...

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

[Sooooo...there's further confusion. Ryan, terrified of the consequences if someone paying as much as Brendon is walks out of here because Ryan's not keeping it together, steels himself and attempts to seduce Brendon, Brendon freaks out but sticks to his guns, Ryan, unsuccessful, comes to the ~brilliant conclusion that he must have realised after coming in here that this is sick and changed his mind (Ryaannnnn), freaks out 'cause driving high paying customers away isn't going to be without consequences, Brendon swears he isn't going tell anyone and that it wouldn't matter anyway, 'cause now that he knows it really is Ryan he's going to *buy* him in the morning...which Ryan stubbornly takes all the wrong way, with all the bitterness and mistrust cemented inside him. More Brendon heartbrokenly flailing, but Ryan's over the acting now - he doesn't believe Brendon's motives are pure, but he believes he's not going to go complain to management and demand Ryan be whipped or anything, so he's just cold, cold and immovable and blank. Annnnnd...]

"I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to own you, I just want you to be free."
Ryan doesn't look up, doesn't move, doesn't know anymore whether he's meant to pretend to believe or not. "I've never been free."
Brendon doesn't come closer, but the air between them shakes with how clearly he wants to, leaning forward into the space, hands reaching out (always). His voice is still gentle, like Ryan's something fragile to be handled. "That's not true, Ryan. I...I remember you free."
Ryan is many things, but he is not fragile, and he's going to say something, really, something involving sensible words, going to politely laugh that it's not as simple as wandering in here and kidnapping the star act with pretty words and stories, he would have, really, but...
That voice is stronger now, and just a little younger, somehow. "You were free the night you kissed me behind your father's house."

(cont. next comment...)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Ryan knows his face slips, just for a moment, and he can't bring himself to care. Not this. No. Anything but this. He pushes it away, searches for his harshest pride, his years of hate, how much he is not fragile anymore, how much his heart belongs to no one, not himself and not the world. "Maybe you'd just like to think that."
Brendon flinches, visibly flinches, but he doesn't back down. "Maybe you're too...hurt...to remember it, maybe you can't believe it, but you were free, you were..." he trails off, shakes his head, cuts himself short. "And you're going to be free again."
And Ryan hates the part of himself that wants to believe he means it--not believe it's true, because it's impossible, Ryan knows that--but to believe that he--that...Brendon Urie...means it, that that's why he came...Ryan looks up at the roof, away, and it's easier to find himself, the him he knows and understands. He lies back on the bed, eyes on polished beams and the soft light that he hates, and feels the ghosts of a thousand different hands on him, the shadows that stroke across his skin when the room's empty, and it's easier...easier to remember how little it matters. He can breathe, like this; and not looking at him, at Brendon Urie across the room, it's so much easier to remember the truth. "Do you think you're the first to want me to 'come away with you'? More men than you'd believe--and women, women too--have wanted me to 'fall in love' with them. There are men who bring me chocolates, gifts...tobacco, once, even, though I wasn't permitted that...it's all very nice. Half the people who enter this room would like to think about me wanting them freely. You're certainly not unique. But it doesn't work like that." Ryan doesn't look up, and he doesn't see the heartbreak on Brendon's face. "You say I'll be free, free like you remember me...you think I'll, what, come away with you for free and save you paying? You can have me, you can have me tonight if you want, you've paid for it, and you can have me again next week if you pay again, but you can't think that--"
"That's not what I meant!"
Ryan keeps his eyes on the ceiling, light shattered into soft-edged triangles by the lanterns. He can hear Brendon breathing across the room, and it's funny how that seems like the most familiar thing in here, heavy breathing, always in his ears, a sickening kind of comfort in its familiarity as much as a threat.
Brendon's voice is quieter again when he pulls himself together enough to speak, not yelling, but the touch of desperation isn't gone. "I swear. I swear, Ryan, on anything, everything, I...I don't want anything from you. I just...I just want you to be happy. I...god, Ryan, I'm going to buy you out of here and then you never have to see me again, I don't...well, no." He sighs, but it's frustration more than resignation. "I do care. But...you can, I don't know, emigrate to Australia if you want. I'll give you whatever you want. Anything. Every cent I have. And you never have to see me again. I just...I couldn't save you eight years ago. I'm going to this time. I spent five years looking for you, Ryan. I've spent the last three sending charity money to slave-stealers in your memory and hating myself for giving up. I'm not getting this close and leaving you here."

Ryan can't look. He doesn't believe. He doesn't. The lanterns sway in the breeze through the window, and the lights dance in shadows on the ceiling. His voice sounds too different, too small, and it's wrong, because he doesn't believe, he won't, and this isn't safe, and he can't stop it. "I don't understand you."
Brendon sounds stronger than him, more sure than him, and that's more dangerous than anything. "You don't have to understand me. You just have to...well, no, I guess you don't even have to trust me, really, they won't care what you think as long as I've got the money, I suppose? So you don't have to trust me. I know you probably can't. You've made that pretty clear. But I will get you out of here. Whatever they want for you, I'll pay it, it doesn't matter. You're going to be free again. I swear."

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

(okay, and that's really it, done rambling, but before Brendon leaves to try to buy Ryan, when Ryan finally believes it really is Brendon, the Brendon he remembers, and he really is here to try to save him, he finally says his name, and it's, like, a big thing for him. To actually say Brendon's name out loud, to acknowledge him, believe in him...he breathes it like it's a knife at his throat or maybe the key to his chains, like it's fire and water on his tongue, sparks on his lips, and it hangs between them like a new promise, a new vow neither really fully understands, and that there's no way they can keep, but that, somehow, they know they have to, deep inside. Saaaaaaaaap :P)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

OMG omg omg omg and, ok, almost done, really :P So Ryan knows Brendon's not going to be able to buy him, knows the guy's not going to sell, and he tries to tell Brendon this, but Brendon's all nope, doesn't matter how much, I'll pay it, you'll see. No one is ever going to hurt you again.
And Ryan sort of laughs bitterly under his breath, "I'll believe that when my regular Saturday client doesn't walk in here tomorrow night."
And Brendon huffs it off, insists, he's going to do it, come morning, Ryan's going to be free, ladadadada...
But then, of course, the guy won't sell. And Brendon argues lots, but to no avail. So Brendon needs time to think of a rescue plan, so he says fine, if you won't sell, I'll pay for another night, I'll have him again tonight. But the guy says sort of sorry, booked, how's tomorrow. To which Brendon (in his head) is all ~NO. So he says he'll pay more than whoever's meant to have Ryan tonight, but it's sort of a regular, this guy pays every Saturday night thing, and the owner's not willing to lose that, so he refuses, but Brendon obviously won't give in, and he pretty much just stays there all day arguing, and gets into a full on, like, bidding war, and ends up paying some HUGE, astronomical amount of money, but he gets Ryan. And when he goes up to Ryan's room, Ryan's waiting, undressed as per customer preference, expecting this other dude, and Brendon walks through the door ready to be all ha, see, I might be halfway to broke but I told you...and then he sees Ryan, and it's just like...shit. And Ryan just sort of stares, and can't believe it, 'cause he knows how much money would have to be involved for his owner to turn away a regular client like that, and it's just like..."What did you do?"
And Ryan's just there, eyes wide, more emotion in his face than Brendon got out of him all last night, and Brendon can't speak, doesn't know what to say anymore, and he just sort of goes "Um..."
And Ryan's still staring, disbelief, barely daring to believe, and he whispers, breathes, "How much did you pay? How do you...how do you even have this kind of money?"
And Brendon just shrugs, and says "I promised no one would ever hurt you again. I meant it."

And planning ensues, with Ryan being pessimistic and refusing to hope, and Brendon coming up with lots of ideas that couldn't work until he figures out the ~brilliant rescue plan that ends up getting him caught.

*dies* Boyyyyyyyysssss...god, this so owns me :P I'm hopeless XD