Spencer realises several seconds too late what Ryan's seeing. And fuck, he's a metre away back across the dirt a second later, but--fuck. "Ryan, I...I..." Ryan just frowns. "You..." "No, no, I--Ryan, it's--" He raises one eyebrow. "You want me." Spencer stops mid-word, and he can't close his lips, because...because...how can he...what can he--but this isn't about him. He shuts his mouth about five seconds too late, and swallows, and makes himself look at Ryan. "No. Ryan, I...you're one of the only friends I've ever had. And you're...you're so strong, and you...Ryan, I--I can't change how I--I can't stop myself feeling that. But--no. I never. I wouldn't." Ryan just isn't moving. Spencer makes himself look Ryan in the face--makes himself swear it properly. "I don't want you like that. You...you've been hurt so much, Ryan."
And--slowly--Ryan looks back down at his feet.
Spencer hovers awkwardly, too far away, but...but he couldn't blow the coming closer thing any more spectacularly, could he? "...Ryan?"
Ryan's breath is visible as it slowly fills his chest, lifts his shoulders, seeps back out. His voice is just as slow. "No, I--of course." Painstaking, crawling toward some kind of revelation. "I should have said...you would want me, but..." he shakes his head, distracted. "No. No, I--you're better than that. Of course. I--no."
Spencer wishes fervently, for one hopeful moment, that this conversation has all been a nightmare, and he's going to wake up and find it Thursday morning. Because he's--just--confused. Ryan is staring at his feet again. "Ryan, I--
"See, this is what I mean. What would be the point in me getting out of here, Spence? Where would I go? I disgust you, and you like me." "What? Ryan, you--" "And I should. I...I'm sick, Spence. Everything about me's sick. There isn't a place for me just out there waiting. People don't want to know I exist. You'd be so much happier if you didn't. I...there's nothing waiting for me."
Spencer hates the universe and almost everything in it. His voice sounds too tight, and he doesn't care. "You're not sick, Ryan. Not you. And...and you don't disgust me. Of course you don't."
Ryan's eyes flick up just a moment. And then, Spencer realises Ryan's finally lost his mind. Because half-curled up against the wall, peering out over his knees, Ryan shrugs, mouth a hard line, and says "Prove it."
no subject
Spencer realises several seconds too late what Ryan's seeing. And fuck, he's a metre away back across the dirt a second later, but--fuck. "Ryan, I...I..."
Ryan just frowns. "You..."
"No, no, I--Ryan, it's--"
He raises one eyebrow. "You want me."
Spencer stops mid-word, and he can't close his lips, because...because...how can he...what can he--but this isn't about him. He shuts his mouth about five seconds too late, and swallows, and makes himself look at Ryan. "No. Ryan, I...you're one of the only friends I've ever had. And you're...you're so strong, and you...Ryan, I--I can't change how I--I can't stop myself feeling that. But--no. I never. I wouldn't." Ryan just isn't moving. Spencer makes himself look Ryan in the face--makes himself swear it properly. "I don't want you like that. You...you've been hurt so much, Ryan."
And--slowly--Ryan looks back down at his feet.
Spencer hovers awkwardly, too far away, but...but he couldn't blow the coming closer thing any more spectacularly, could he? "...Ryan?"
Ryan's breath is visible as it slowly fills his chest, lifts his shoulders, seeps back out. His voice is just as slow. "No, I--of course." Painstaking, crawling toward some kind of revelation. "I should have said...you would want me, but..." he shakes his head, distracted. "No. No, I--you're better than that. Of course. I--no."
Spencer wishes fervently, for one hopeful moment, that this conversation has all been a nightmare, and he's going to wake up and find it Thursday morning. Because he's--just--confused. Ryan is staring at his feet again. "Ryan, I--
"See, this is what I mean. What would be the point in me getting out of here, Spence? Where would I go? I disgust you, and you like me."
"What? Ryan, you--"
"And I should. I...I'm sick, Spence. Everything about me's sick. There isn't a place for me just out there waiting. People don't want to know I exist. You'd be so much happier if you didn't. I...there's nothing waiting for me."
Spencer hates the universe and almost everything in it. His voice sounds too tight, and he doesn't care. "You're not sick, Ryan. Not you. And...and you don't disgust me. Of course you don't."
Ryan's eyes flick up just a moment. And then, Spencer realises Ryan's finally lost his mind. Because half-curled up against the wall, peering out over his knees, Ryan shrugs, mouth a hard line, and says "Prove it."