"THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BOYS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!"

[behindthec]

cut for hugeness, polls, brainstorming, recs, etc.



a few recs:

http://dys-topia.livejournal.com/4819.html
SHE WROTE IT!!!!!!!!! *dances* don't ask me why i like this pairing; it is too complex to explain. HOWEVER, everyone must write it now, in order to win my eternal love. please please please please please??

http://emmuzka.livejournal.com/296825.html
this is really disturbing, but amazing. read the warnings. i would LOVE a sequel.

http://community.livejournal.com/diedandreborn/46037.html
utterly delicious. oh god. more of this forever. sleepysex with top!ryan is my favourite. nnngggghh.

random, but BEST MOTHERFUCKING ICON EVER. the_randomist... ily.

also totally random, but something popped up in my gmail ads yesterday and it took me a moment to figure out why, and it's because the following line is in chapter 8 (i write all fic in gmail drafts): "Brendon steps outside, out the glass doors and down the path, past the hammock until his bare feet meet sun-warmed wood." HERE IS THE SCREENSHOT:



can't stop laughing, omfg!

so, okay. i really wish people wouldn't go anon just to tell me something they think i don't want to hear. (exception being when i know who you are but for privacy reasons you go anon to say something; that's FINE). if you go anon just to say something you're afraid to say logged in (said exception aside), dude, i'm not going to dislike you for expressing your opinion, especially when it's done nicely. i respect all opinions expressed maturely and politely. i don't care what you say to me; i have no idea who you are; even non-anon you're still just an icon and a username. we're all open and friendly here. don't be afraid.

i hate how so many people here seem to be (and often admit to once being) intimidated by me. what the hell is so off-putting about me? i talk to everyone. i answer every comment, message, and email (eventually). i hold open house posts for lurkers, where i've made some of my best friends. how am i intimidating? i don't get it. :(

i also i wanted to reply publicly to that comment about biting off more than i can chew, fic-wise, to explain how i write. first off, i am not planning on writing all these fics at once. :P i'll be choosing one, and the others will be put on hold. the way i work is, i have to write whatever fic i am obsessed with at the time. so i may have tons of ideas and planned-out fics in my mind, but when i actually sit down and commit to something, it has to be what i'm excited/obsessed/passionate about at that given moment; once i actually start writing it, i generally stay obsessed till i finish. this is why i so rarely take prompts or requests, and when i do, i make a huge prompt post and pick the one i connect with most. i have to really *want* to write the fic; i can't write based on what you guys want or when. for it to turn out well, it has to be what i want, when i want it. that sounds so selfish, but that's the only way it works. otherwise i won't enjoy it, and the quality will suffer. make sense?

also, the reason i'm so excited about this fic is because it would be my first real AU, and you know i've always been very meh about AUs in the past b/c they don't feel real to me, and i'm big on canon. but canon is stressing me out too much lately; i'm too attached to it, too affected by it, too dependent on it; i think it would be really emotionally healthy for me to write something that i have complete control over; where it doesn't matter if ryan's doing coke IRL or brendon has a girlfriend. plus i think it's a very important transitional step for me to take if i ever want to write original fiction someday, which i do. plus it's just indulgent and FUN, and i want fic to be fun again.

so, there's my reasoning.

moving on! okay, so clearly, there are as many people for kilts as against them. i personally still find them kind of ridiculous, though the fact that someone mentioned they were generally worn without underwear is a definite plus. idk. what do you think? feel free to post photographic support for your opinion in the comments, otherwise i'm going with no.

[Poll #1384130]

i could always set this in ireland too, considering i have a much stronger mental memory of irish accents than i do scottish (and i even PREFER irish accents). We went with scottish b/c sara had heard that ryan is part scottish, and we know brendon is, but… idk, i could definitely go irish. thoughts?

[Poll #1384131]

also, bagpipes are out; i just went with them initially 'cause it was obvious. :P pianos, so much sexier than bagpipes. also, my first historical request: what other instruments were there in late 19th century scotland? anything guitar-esque? AUs are much easier for me to swallow (lol) if they maintain the basic canon of the characters being musicians. i want ryan to play something. also, i have some ideas for what to do with jon and spence and other bandom peeps, but if you have thoughts for them, let's hear it. i'm considering a side of joncer, maybe. idk. kinda cliche.

last night before bed my brain developed about 2k worth of dialogue for this fic, which is. a very good or very bad thing. some more brainstorming with soph last night:

Sophie: me: AND BY "THE WORLD" HE MEANS "MY DICK"
Sophie: WELL YES
lols
me: YESSSSS :D
or maybe oh god
5:11 PM
maybe he and brendon had this adorable ~courtship before
and they ksised and stuff
but never actually had sex
and before they could, ryan was sold as a slave!
Sophie: awww
me: so when they meet up again years later, they get to have their first time!
Sophie: i think they should flirt
me: total epic faily flirting
Sophie: def
me: brenodn can bring him fucking FLOWERS and stuff
5:12 PM
Sophie: omgggggg
and Ryan's all blushy and Idk-what-to-do-with-this-affection
me: i knowwwwww
Sophie: but also smiley
me: and they have to run off to the park at night to be alone, 'cause, ryan's dad
5:13 PM
Sophie: yess
and pls bden has to hrow pebbles at ryan's window
me: OF COURSE.
and climb the tree to his window while wearing his kilt :D
Sophie: AND RYAN CLIMBS DOWN AND IS FAILY AND BDEN HAS TO CATCH HIM
me: YES!!!!
5:14 PM
and they are all tangled and blushy on the ground
Sophie: like in the making of that green gentleman video
me: :LSKEJR:LIEFE YES!!!!!
that gif makes my life
Sophie: and bden's just like eeeeeeeee, I caught a ryro
gif?
i has no gif
just the dvd lol
me: EEEEEEE
oh, well, gifs of it have been made lol
5:15 PM
Sophie: well. yes
AND THE MOON IS OUT. AND RYAN IS PRETTY. AND BRENDON IS LIKE "... you're pretty"
5:16 PM
and it is cold so he has to give ryan is coat
except then ryan is a girl
lol
i fail at making them boys
me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
THEY DONT' HAVE TO BE BOYS IN THIS
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT
Sophie: YESSSSSS \o/
5:17 PM
maybe they should nearly kiss but then Ryan sez he has to go home
and Bden thinks they can ~nxt time
and then Ryan gets made a sex slave
me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW
ASKLERJAOFAPO3I
nooooo!!!
they have to have one kiss!!!
5:18 PM
Sophie: hahaha
fiiiiine
is your fic
lol
me: ONE KISS
BEFORE YEARS OF MISERY
come on
i just need to figure out how he gets all ~stolen. or if his father ends up broke and actually sells him. :/
5:19 PM
Sophie: HAHA I SEX OK
UM. SEZ
me: HAHAHAHA
you sex okay
Sophie: i do ok
i thinks he gets sold :/
me: i knowwww ugh
5:20 PM
Sophie: which is like. gah.
me: i KNOW
Sophie: and can Bden get pissed at his dad?
or something?
me: yeah, totally
i see his dad eventually committing suicide though
once he realizes what he's done
maybe he was drunk when he sold him
Sophie: yeah
makes sense. in a morbid way
me: UGH POOR RYAN
5:21 PM
Sophie: why are we writing such depressing aus?
me: I DON'T KNOW
Sophie: they are aus. WE COULD HAVE UNICORNS
me: KIK!!!!!
er, LOL!!!
Sophie: lolol
me: YES
BRENODN RESCUES RYAN ON A UNICORN
LIKE IN PRIZONER OF AZKABAN
prisoner, even
Sophie: OMG YES
me: AND ITS NAME IS SPARKLES
Sophie: omg lol
5:22 PM
:D
okay. srs bsnss

*headdesk* that last bit was a joke. most of this is a joke. :P

what i wanted is for them to have a kiss (or maybe sex, once), and then the next day ryan is sold into slavery. brendon is present for it all, he's hanging onto the bars on the back of the carriage where ryan is locked in, their fingers overlapping as brendon promises him, "i'll come for you, i promise." and such begins the Quest.

also, thoughts for what ryan's dad's shop is? what kind of business? i have some ideas for how ry and bden meet; i think ryan sees him around a few times before, gets caught staring, etc., and then he finally runs into him (literally, b/c, cute) in the marketplace one day. and is utterly faily and shy and ends up running off. but bden just smiles after him because he's all hearteyes and stuff. ugh, so many ideas swarming in my head. all i want to do is sit and write them down all day, and instead i have to work. :(

i will jot down this one moment i don't want to forget. ryan and brendon sneak off during one point in their faily ~courtship and spend the afternoon by the river or something, sprawled on their backs watching the sun, and the subject of death comes up, and ryan talks about how you have to live each moment, b/c you could die the next (in typical melodramatic, morbid ross fashion :P), and bden's kinda quiet... and that night is the night he throws pebbles at ryan's window in the middle of the night (\o/!), and ryan opens up and lets him in (AHEM) and he's like wtf are you doing here dumbass, my dad will ACTUALLY MURDER YOU if he finds out. and bden just crowds him against the wall, breathless, their foreheads touching, hands joined, and says, "i know, i know, i just couldn't, what if we died and i'd never told you?" and ry's like, "told me what?" and bren says, "that i love you," like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and kisses him. UGH MY HEART. i really, really want them to have sex that one night, and then the next day ryan gets taken. :'( but, i also love the idea of them having their First Time years later... y'know... um... after ryan's been a SEX SLAVE for however many years, so, okay, maybe not. :P though, bden could teach him how sex is ~beautiful. *eyeroll* clicheeeeeeeeeee, ack! thoughts?

sigh. my brain. my life. enough of this nonsense.

Comments

[lolab.livejournal.com]

PERFECT. yeah, i see jon as maybe... not really employed BY the brothel for anything, but maybe he like... i don't know, he's like their milkman or something like that, something that'll give him enough connection to ryan, to help them the whole time.

okay, perfect, so:

year 1: the Becoming.
year 2: first brothel, seedy stripshow, eventually spotted by spencer's father.
year 3: spencer's.
year 4: worst place to date. treated horribly. eventually cabaret/brothel owner sees him, likes his attitude, his look, thinks it would be great for the show.
years 5-8: ryan is molded into the perfect courtesan-ish thing, where he finally decides FUCK ALL and starts using it to build his strength, give himself power.

k, my fingers hurt, so yeah, tomorrow. \o/!!!

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

OMG Jon is a milkman XD Hehehehehehe. Awesome. He could be involved with the music for the show. There's live music at the cabaret, that means instruments...Jon could be the 19th century version of a guitar tech. Or he could be the milkman too :D

Mmmhm, yeah. Year 4's going to be really important, I think, that has to be where the transition in his character takes place, I think? And we need to pin down exactly *why* he is at Spencer's. In what capacity. For what reason is he bought.

Off to work *groan* Too...hot...

[lolab.livejournal.com]

hehe yessssss. 19th century guitar tech, awesome. shane could be brendon's business associate then. idk.

right (re: year 4). i'm not sure why he's at spencer's. i mean. spencer's dad buys him as a sex slave. idk why, really. he's purdy?

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Long ramble below :P

Ok, see my worry is, if we have him being bought as a sex slave for Spencer's dad (*insert appropriate shudder*)...I'm not sure how we then get him with Spencer. Unless you have an idea? I just can't find the conversation in my head that would make it work. Unless...hm, actually, maybe I was just thinking in totally the wrong direction on Friday when I was thinking about it :D Like, what I was thinking was that for Spencer to keep the high ground, Ryan needs to be the one who starts it...I mean, Spencer can *want* him and try to hide it because he'd never go there and Ryan catches that look in his eyes one day and Spencer is mortified and panicky but Ryan doesn't stop thinking about it and at some point is all sort of 'I want to try. I want to...that's normal, right? I want to try to be normal'. BUT I could only see that working if Ryan wasn't having everything else happen anymore, if he was sort of going I'm safe now, Spencer swears no one's ever going to hurt him again, and he eventually gets to this place where he wants to try to salvage himself. BUT it could sort of come from a different, more screwed up direction, if there was the (*further shudder* :P) Spencer's dad thing, a more violent, warped, really unhealthy sort of reclaiming thing, make their relationship really screwed up...draw a slightly different trajectory for Ryan's character. Though I'm not sure how that could become a positive/loving sexual experience for him to remember later when Brendon reappears. Idk, ok, no, *wait*, actually, so it could start out that way, angry and with the beginnings of the shift into bitterness and strength, and with very little care for Spencer, almost using him; but Ryan's not there just yet with the hatred and the ice, and as he realises that Spencer really cares about him deeply, everything changes, his reasons change, he doesn't understand anything anymore, and he gets too attached, and the shell breaks, and the way he's opening up to Spencer despite himself opens himself up to everything else that's happening so that he just breaks completely. Sort of a third different character trajectory it could take.

Did any of that make sense? :P I quite like the last idea or something like it, just 'cause it does, as you say, avoid the cliche. What do you think?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

Ok, see my worry is, if we have him being bought as a sex slave for Spencer's dad (*insert appropriate shudder*)...I'm not sure how we then get him with Spencer.

you mean b/c it would just be too weird, after the fact that he's been with spencer's dad? i guess... maybe he isn't an actual sex slave at this point? but, idk. i figure that was kind of his ~Purpose all along. but yeah, the thing with spence is... i see spence as being completely contrary to his dad's beliefs, hates his dad, thinks it's sick, and when ryan comes to trust spence on that, they become really close friends, so the non-platonic part of their relationship happens almost naturally. like comfort sex (not quite sex tho; lots of make-outs, maybe handjobs and some BJs... lots of mouths and hands at work, i think). alternately, still sticking with the idea of spence as anti-everything-his-father-believes, we could still go your route and have ryan caring very little for him at first, almost just using him. though idk if he'd be that coldhearted/jaded by this point. this is only the second year. i feel like he'd still be pretty fragile and tender, ready to cling to anything/anyone that's kind to him. idk... y/n?

but either way, yeah, they end up getting pretty attached (tho it's never "in love" for ryan obv, which i'll have to remember, to keep the spyro out of this :P), and then ryan is suddenly wrenched away, and being torn from something good AGAIN (like w/ brendon) is what finally starts to harden him (lol harden), b/c you can't go through that twice and not get totally fucked in the head.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Not because of weirdness, just from a traumatised Ryan point of view. I guess I mean, like...if he's being raped one night, how do we make him want comfort sex (or comfort making out) the next? We just have to get the first time working though, it'll go from there...maybe it's like...hm...(*doing best to suppress make-Ryan-cold-and-broken impulse* :P)...maybe Spencer's all I'm going to find a way to save you and Ryan's sort of in his final stages of breaking, he's a complete wreck, and he's sort of going what does it matter, what would I do, who would even care...etc...and Spencer's comforting him or whatever, totally non-sexually, but he's Idk, trying to hug him or just like touching his arm or something and Ryan's like -eyebrow raise- (lmao) and Spencer sort of springs back half way across the room and is all no no I uh and Ryan goes see, even you're disgusted by me sort of thing. And Spencer swears he's not, but Ryan won't believe him...and finally Spencer kisses him, and then is like omg fuck I'm sorry but Ryan just sort of quietly says 'don't.' and it's all quiet for a minute, before Ryan mumurs "it's a long time since anyone's kissed me, anyway. Especially like that."

And as Ryan thinks about it, he clings to it, something different to all the pain, something in which he still has just a little power, and he falls into it that way, as a last shred of normal, a silent promise between them that Ryan can still be normal, maybe, that if they can just get him out then maybe, maybe it's not too late.

(But, of course...and so on.)

Does that work better?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

GUH YES. DAMN IT NOW I WANT YOU TO COMMENTFIC THEIR ~FIRST TIEM. WITH ANGST AND TENTATIVE TOUCHES AND EMO GOODNESS. A;LSKJEFPOAIW3P.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Guh. Awesome. Excitement XD Dude, I would totally try to commentfic this in the next 10 minutes before I have to leave :D, but I think I'll need a couple of hours :P To be totally upfront, I think I'm going to have to be quite careful with what I write of this bit, 'cause it cuts quite close to the bone for me. So YES XD, commentfic soon as I have time, but trying to go there in ten mins probably foolhardy ;D

In the meantime, though, another thing we need to figure out :D; where does Spencer live, and how is Ryan being held there (in such a way that he can be with Spencer, but Spencer can't get him out)? I've kind of got it in my head (who knows why, lol) that Spencer's dad has like an estate in the foothills of the French Alps, I think because that provides a couple of solid barriers to Spencer helping Ryan escape - if they have an estate rather than a house there can be a locked gate to which Spencer doesn't have the key, and if they're not in town it can be a sort of just getting the keys to get Ryan out would be pointless 'cause without a horse he'd die in the woods thing. I can't *really* see how they could be in a normal house in a town unless Ryan's chained to a wall, and that could make the Spencer thing really awkward...though it would still be possible, if you want that. Idk. I am rather fond of the isolated estate thing, lol XD Maybe, like...above Valence or somewhere? Depends what's in your head though :) Thoughts?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

gah, okay. is it... i mean, is it okay? i don't need you to write that, or talk about it or anything. i'm not sure what you mean, but. yeah. <3 okay.

i am totally down with the whole french estate. that's exactly what i had in mind too. it'll have to be something isolated like that, yeah. exactly. YAY, OUR BRAINS! \o/

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, no, it's fine dude. I've written *masses* of fic like this, and I'm all good. I've just got some sexual abuse in my past that I have to be careful with tapping into and aware of and all that shit. I'm all good with it (honest :D), it's just more than a ten minute emotional exercise :) Annnnd not a today exercise 'cause I'm having some weird shit today *sigh* My brain, how it fails...Any other day though, definitely down with this :D So excited about this fic XD It's going to be so excellent XD So attached to 19thC Ryan and B and Spencer already, lol.

Anyhow, on happier topics, YES YES YES YES YES :D :D :D I was so hoping we were on the same page with this XD Awesome :D :D :D Guh, I totally have to write down all my Spencer-related musings for you tomorrow XD You totally just made my night :P Sleeping now, but 19thC Spencer-thoughts and probably the rest of my Ryden ch2 tomorrow afternoon! :D Night bb :)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

In bits as I get time to commentfic :D Just thrashed this out now, lol, haven't read through it at all. Hope it's not horribly repetitive. (got distracted last night combing lj comms for Ryan's old entries, lol. I am such a canon whore). I love 19th C Spencer so, so, so hard. I must write out my 'after Ryan's taken' Spencer imaginings once I finish this scene XD K, here goes.

***

"Can I ask you something?"
Spencer almost doesn't hear it, or doesn't register that he does; they're been sitting there in silence for what, two hours? But when he looks up, Ryan's watching him through his eyelashes, head half-bowed like it always, always is, and Spencer opens his mouth and shuts it again and has to try a second time before he manages "What? I--yes. Of course."
Ryan looks back down at the floor. Dirt ridged and carved out where his fingernails have worn back and forth in timeless lines. "You...it's never going to happen. You said...you know there's no way. I'm not getting out of here."
Spencer digs his nails hard into his palms. "I told you I'd get you out. I'll find a way. I swear, Ryan, I'll...I don't know. But there has to be...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't...I'm trying. I'm trying, Ryan."
Ryan doesn't look up, just shakes his head, just a little. "No, no, I--I know. You've been...very kind to me. But...it could be easier."
Spencer is completely lost. Ryan seems to know this, too, so maybe he isn't just staring at the floor like he seems to be. "You...could do something else for me."
Spencer stares for another moment, but nothing becomes apparent. "Like what?"
And Ryan doesn't look up, but he does almost smile, just a little. "I just want to die, Spencer."

Breathe. Breathe, Spencer commands himself. It doesn't work. His body wants to move, somewhere, anywhere, and he makes it stay put. "Wh-what?"
Ryan's still smiling, lips just curved up, barely there. "It'd be easier, wouldn't it? I think? If you could just...if there's some way you could get hold of a gun...you'd be allowed one, wouldn't you? If...if you said...you wanted to go hunting or something?"
Spencer's brain is not working. At all. "A gun?"
Ryan is half-curled up like he always is, knees almost to his chest, arms curled round the front, speaking quietly to his feet. Ryan is curled up, quiet, but he's smiling, just a little, like he never does. "You could say...you wouldn't have to take the blame, you could say I attacked you and took it from you, it'd...it wouldn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me if I'm dead."

Breathe. Breathe. Fuck, breathe. Spencer blinks hard, he can't cry, he can't cry in front of Ryan, but, but--"No. No, Ryan, no, I..."

Ryan is always so, so quiet. He looks up, just a little, and the almost-smile is gone. Quietly. "Please?"

Ryan doesn't look back down. Ryan looks at Spencer, and Spencer looks back. And just...looks. Thinking is...Ryan can't be right. He can't, there has to be...but...but Spencer thinks of what's happening here and wants to be sick, feels the bile at the base of his throat, half chokes on how sick this is, and...and it's been months. It's months since he promised Ryan he'd find a way, and...and there isn't. And...and how can he say to Ryan that he has to just...do this...while Spencer fails to help him?

But...it's Ryan. And...and he'd kill every person here before he could...not Ryan. Not Ryan. Anyone but Ryan.

(cont. next comment)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

(continuing from last comment...)

He knows it's meaningless. He knows it's an empty promise, and he knows--obviously, god, he knows--Ryan can't believe it anymore. And that--that he's so dismally failed to live up to that small measure of trust Ryan gave him--that hurts almost as much as...as every time he watches Ryan stumble back in here and curl up against the wall. But...but he has to say it anyway. Because it's all he has to say. Because promising this is like breathing, because finding a way is the only thing that matters now. "Ry, I'll...I'm going to get you out. I know I've...I know it's been months but...I'm going to find a way to save you. I swear. And you'll be okay again. One day, one day you're going to be okay Ry, I just...just give me a little longer. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I--"
"Why bother, Spence?"
The not crying in front of Ryan thing is dangerously close to failing too, and Spencer rubs at his eyes as briskly as he can. "What? Ryan, I--because you're--"
"I'm not going to 'be okay'." Ryan shrugs, draws his feet a little closer, long, long legs pulling in so his knees are almost as high as his chin. "What would I do? If you did get me out? Where would I go? I...who would even care, Spencer? What am I good for? I..." his whole body shakes, sharp, involuntary, and it physically hurts Spencer not to reach out to him. His voice is so, so quiet, and...and shaking. "I...I don't want to be good for this, Spencer. I...I can't do this anymore. I...I just want to die, so badly. Please..."

And--fuck it. Spencer crawls forward on his knees, and Ryan tenses like he's been hit when Spencer's hands touch his shoulders, but...but he's shaking, almost invisibly, shaking and--and oh fuck, he's crying, Ryan's crying, crying like Spencer knows he does, but...but not in front of him. Ryan always tries so, so hard to be strong and..."Please," he whispers again, and he's curled so tight it's easy to imagine some subtle, secret shell closing right around him, the turtle's home, or the way flowers close in the rain, iridescent covers sliding shut until the clouds pass and the sun beams rainbows through the remnants of the dew.

And Spencer wishes he could. Wishes Ryan could hide, wishes Ryan could escape this. But he can't. And right now, Spencer has no idea how he can help him. So...he just holds on. Just holds onto Ryan's shoulders, just softly, until Ryan stops tensing away from him and then slowly, slowly, draws him close, arms just around his back, not even joined, but just...just holding. And Ryan stays there, curled up and shaking, crying into his knees, and Spencer just waits.

When the shaking finally stops, Spencer is almost certain for several seconds that Ryan is asleep. "Ryan? Ry?"

But he's not asleep--just not crying anymore. Past it--face back to an exhausted, drained-out blank. And when Spencer says his name, Ryan looks up. And Spencer's breath catches in his throat. Because...because he's never been this close to Ryan before. Because...because he doesn't touch Ryan, and Ryan doesn't look up from the floor, and--and Ryan's face is an inch from his, eyes huge, and--and---and Ryan's eyes narrow.

(cont. next comment)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

(continuing...)

Spencer realises several seconds too late what Ryan's seeing. And fuck, he's a metre away back across the dirt a second later, but--fuck. "Ryan, I...I..."
Ryan just frowns. "You..."
"No, no, I--Ryan, it's--"
He raises one eyebrow. "You want me."
Spencer stops mid-word, and he can't close his lips, because...because...how can he...what can he--but this isn't about him. He shuts his mouth about five seconds too late, and swallows, and makes himself look at Ryan. "No. Ryan, I...you're one of the only friends I've ever had. And you're...you're so strong, and you...Ryan, I--I can't change how I--I can't stop myself feeling that. But--no. I never. I wouldn't." Ryan just isn't moving. Spencer makes himself look Ryan in the face--makes himself swear it properly. "I don't want you like that. You...you've been hurt so much, Ryan."

And--slowly--Ryan looks back down at his feet.

Spencer hovers awkwardly, too far away, but...but he couldn't blow the coming closer thing any more spectacularly, could he? "...Ryan?"

Ryan's breath is visible as it slowly fills his chest, lifts his shoulders, seeps back out. His voice is just as slow. "No, I--of course." Painstaking, crawling toward some kind of revelation. "I should have said...you would want me, but..." he shakes his head, distracted. "No. No, I--you're better than that. Of course. I--no."

Spencer wishes fervently, for one hopeful moment, that this conversation has all been a nightmare, and he's going to wake up and find it Thursday morning. Because he's--just--confused. Ryan is staring at his feet again. "Ryan, I--

"See, this is what I mean. What would be the point in me getting out of here, Spence? Where would I go? I disgust you, and you like me."
"What? Ryan, you--"
"And I should. I...I'm sick, Spence. Everything about me's sick. There isn't a place for me just out there waiting. People don't want to know I exist. You'd be so much happier if you didn't. I...there's nothing waiting for me."

Spencer hates the universe and almost everything in it. His voice sounds too tight, and he doesn't care. "You're not sick, Ryan. Not you. And...and you don't disgust me. Of course you don't."

Ryan's eyes flick up just a moment. And then, Spencer realises Ryan's finally lost his mind. Because half-curled up against the wall, peering out over his knees, Ryan shrugs, mouth a hard line, and says "Prove it."

[lolab.livejournal.com]

awsel;rjfpofiajw34l;awoifjapow34ji3aowij pfoiw tpoia jgpoia jr4jhae haperjg eijrthpaeibe rheipawu hpbioa ertherpai hp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SRSLY, ASL;EKRJPVIOJAPWO3J4PIp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN'T STOP THERE WTF KEEP GOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Ryan's eyes flick up just a moment. And then, Spencer realises Ryan's finally lost his mind. Because half-curled up against the wall, peering out over his knees, Ryan shrugs, mouth a hard line, and says "Prove it. Kiss me."

Spencer takes a moment to pause--or rather, is shocked into a moment of pause over which he has very little rational control. He looks stupidly around the bare walls, not because anyone's going to be in here but this just isn't the same universe he was dealing with a minute ago. It just--but the planks of the walls are still warped so the light cracks in between, there's still a hopeful weed working its way up from the dust at the foot of the post by Ryan's side, and Ryan...Ryan's still sitting there, tense, face hard--with just a touch of apprehension that says--he really just said that. And--fuck. Ryan shrugs again, too stiff. "Well?"
Spencer does not look at Ryan's mouth. "Ry...that's... what...you don't mean that."
And just like that the tension's gone from Ryan's shoulders, his eyes back on his feet, reality restored, and Spencer focuses on the overwhelming relief of that and not the stupid, sick, traitorous sense of disappointment somewhere in the back of his chest.
And then Ryan opens his mouth. "Told you."

For the far-too-many-th time in too few minutes, Spencer's breath catches in his throat. "What?"
And that tiny, terrifying smile is back on Ryan's lips. "It's alright. Just don't...don't lie to me. You come down here 'cause you feel sorry for me, but I do disgust you, and that's just how it is. I'm always going to be this. I'm not--I can't just go back. I'm...not...a person anymore, you know? That's...that's gone, I think. So I'll always disgust--anyone. And--that means--there's no point. Don't lie to me."
Spencer's crouch suddenly feels a whole lot less stable, and he sits down before he can fall over. He's not getting angry at Ryan, he'd never, but--it's just the force of needing, needing to get this across. "I'm not."
Ryan doesn't even look up. "You like me, as a--" he laughs grimly, hard--frightening--"as whatever it is you see me as--and you are attracted to me, or you would be, but you won't look at me. You won't touch me. You won't come near me, because I'm below you. I always will be. I'm--contaminated. And you know that. You can see it, can't you? On my skin, however clean I am. You don't want to come near me because something deep inside you, however much you push it down with compassion and goodness and all your not wanting to put you, you can't because something at the heart of you runs away from me--" another laugh, all breath, all cracked and breaking, all confusion and need and wild, too wild "--in case it's catching. You don't want to touch the dirt on me. It's not your fault. It's just human. That's my point."

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Spencer bites his lip, hard, because it's Ryan who has the reasons to break. He stands up, turns to face the other wall, breathes, prays for patience, or help, or anything, turns back and refuses to look at the edge of hope in Ryan's eyes, hope that isn't for escape or life or a future anymore. His voice still comes out a whisper. "That's not. true."
For one moment, Spencer watches the hope drop out of Ryan's eyes like Ryan's watching an execution, the stillbirth of a child. And then Ryan shudders again, his whole body, bruises and tightness and limbs that flinch away from life, and the laughter's not laughter anymore, it's Ryan sniffing quietly and trying to hide his eyes by staring at his own lap, but what the fuck's Spencer supposed to do? Ryan's knuckles are white where he's digging his chopped-short nails--they'd pull out my teeth too if it wouldn't make me look strange, Ryan whispers months ago in Spencer's memory--into his knees, and he's crying again, like Spencer might as well never have been here, for all the fucking good he's done. And then, clumsily, awkwardly, Ryan pulls his legs in, and before Spencer can even question he's rolling around onto his knees, shaking hands limp on his thighs, and begging, voice thick and broken and barely more than breath. "Please." A gasp of air, shoulders tense, and Spencer wants to be sick. "There's nothing left for me."

And Spencer doesn't just want to be sick--he wants to be dead. Because--because he can't be thinking this. He can't seriously be considering--but--but...Ryan...

He takes three quick steps forward before he can think. He drops to his knees before the momentum can wear off. And Ryan's face lifts without his encouragement, question in shining, tear-wrecked eyes, and Spencer presses forward before his better judgment or the voice of reason screaming in his head can drown out the something that's so much simpler, deep inside, the something that's nothing like what Ryan thinks--the something that needs, needs like nothing else on earth, to put that hope back in Ryan's eyes, and to make it real--the something that needs Ryan to believe more than Spencer's ever needed air or laughter or anything at all.

And it's strange, how the voice fades so easily the moment skin meets skin, how reason and thought and breath and life and need and time shiver to stillness at the feel of--soft. At the just-pressure of Ryan's lips beneath his own. At the catch of his slightly-too-dry skin on Ryan's perfect, smooth, just-warm bottom lip. At the sheer strength of the need, god, the need to pull Ryan into him, to open his mouth, for Ryan to open his, for Ryan to be closer. At the swimming, straining need to feel Ryan on top of him, all around him, to pull Ryan back over him and lie down in the dirt and run his palms down the curve of Ryan's back and feel, the need to pull Ryan in so he won't ever want to let go again--his hands twitch, almost move forward of their own compulsion--and--and--

Oh god.

Spencer can't get his feet out from under him and he falls backward, catches himself on his hands in the dirt, knees still pressed to Ryan's. He scrambles backward as quickly as he can, as best he can, and--and Ryan's just staring. Fuck. Spencer doesn't even know what he's saying--an incoherent stream of "Oh my god I'm sorry, I'm sorry Ryan, fuck, fuck I'm sorry, I don't--oh god I'm--fuck, fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry--"
"Don't."
Spencer's breath is way, way too fast and it helps absolutely fucking nothing that that's at least partly because that stupid, stupid, traitorous parts of him is still turned on as all fuck.
Ryan doesn't look down, just--past. "It's...it's a long time since anyone's kissed me. And--and that's not. It's a different--it's nothing like..." He stops--licks his lips--oh dear god--looks past Spencer again. Murmurs, distant. "There was once. Before. And...that. It's a long, a, a really long time, since...since someone's kissed me like that. I. Don't say you're sorry."

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Ryan's...quiet again. Slow. Spencer's breath slows sympathetically, too tuned to Ryan right now, way too pinned to Ryan, and...and he doesn't know what to say. At all.
It's several more seconds of slow, of settling breathing, of after before Ryan's eyes shift slowly, so slowly, back to Spencer, and he blinks, and he's not looking past anymore. He looks...soft. Not--fuck, soft? Spencer glares at himself, but...he's not tense. He's just...puzzled, just there, not curled up and cringing and tight, and...and Spencer's never really seen that. Even Ryan's words are soft. "I didn't think you'd...really do it."
Spencer opens his mouth automatically to go back to apologising, oh god, 'cause, but--but Ryan said not to. And...and he looks...he doesn't look hurt. And Spencer doesn't have a clue where he stands, and the last thing he wants...
"Could...would you..." Ryan looks down at the dirt. "We could try...that again? If you...I--I wasn't ready that time."
At least half of Spencer melts, while the other half wildly attempts to contain what is apparently a vast previously undiscovered ocean of thoughtlessness and selfishness and lack of self control. "Ryan, you...we...don't have to."
Ryan tenses at that--bites his lip--Spencer internally scolds his weak half to stop being completely ridiculous--but Spencer can see him breathing through it, see him thinking, and the tension relaxes again, a little. His voice is just a little stronger. "I want to. I..." the hesitation is there in his body, in the nervous twist of his fingers, the flick of his eyes up and down, behind him, over to the far wall, back to Spencer. "I just want to try."

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3 bb, i'm so sorry. if any part of this fic makes you uncomfortable to talk about or whatever, just let me know. ily. *smishes*

I AM REALLY ON BOARD WITH 19TH CENTURY SPENCE. LOVE HIM SO HARD. CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS. i think this fic is gonna have to be my next project. can't get it out of my head.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Guh, I love them all so hard. They are ridiculous XD And awesome XD Yay :D So do you still want to do it as some kind of proper co-write? Or not so much? Let me know what you're thinking :)

(falling asleep, but I have at least one more Spyro scene running rings round my head, plus the other Spencer thoughts, remind me if I don't make an appearance in the morning, lol :P)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i totally do want to do a proper co-write with you, but this particular thing feels like something i might want to try to adapt into an actualfax ~novel someday, so maybe i should do most of the actual writing myself? but i still totally want to give you co-author credit, i have a feeling 90% of the good ideas/plotting are going to be yours. ;) you seem to have an organizational grip on this whereas i'm all over the place. and i will probably end up using bits of what you've already written, or maybe see if you want to write certain bits that i couldn't get my head around, like red did for pccf? y/n?

REMINDING YOU. WANT NAO. :DDDDDD

*uses spyro icon which is EPIC RYDEN FAIL, OMG*

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Sure thing :) I've got assloads of fic to write anyway XD (Brendonnnn...and Ryannnn...why must you be so sad... :S) I am so in on plotting/brainstorming/etc though :P This thing owns a large chunk of my brain now :P :D :D :D

Tomorrow :P Commentfic will make no sense if I write it now while semi-conscious XD

Lmao, our efforts to not be gsf tinhatty are so made of fail :P Ryden except also with Spyro and possibly Joncer and *epically close friendship* and...oh what the fuck :P *sigh* Must resist XD But...the Spencer...*killed ded. By Spencer's magical powers* Hehe, nah, it'll end up Ryden okay :) And the Ryden will be awesome. And *Brendon*. Okay, lol, so the thoughts I was having that I keep mentioning and then not typing up about Brendon and Spencer after Ryan's taken from them. So this is really just brainstormy potential plot ideas. And LMAO it ended up like 4 comments long :P But. Here goes.

So Ryan's taken. Brendon immediately devotes his whole life to getting Ryan back, because the timing's just--sure they weren't ~together long, but Ryan's been brutally ripped away right when Brendon's thinking maybe he's in love with this dude, right when they've just had their first kiss, etc, so Brendon pretty much makes this the centre of his entire life. He works his ass off finishing his apprenticeship, begs borrows earns and steals every cent he can, then gets himself down to London and starts the search for Ryan.

The search for Ryan, unsurprisingly, is not simple. It's an illegal trade, so records are limited and people aren't willing to speak. Ryan wasn't a particularly expensive or remarkable slave, so no one knows, and no one remembers. Nonetheless, Brendon keeps trying, working in the meantime in London and earning his rep and fortune. By the time he finally, maybe 4 years after Ryan's taken, finds a lead on where Ryan was sold to, the quality and innovativeness of his piano-building's earned him his fortune several times over. He packs up shop and follows this lead to France (maybe it becomes apparent at this point *what* Ryan was sold as, maybe that doesn't come 'til he gets to France. Either way). He then has to track things there, etc, but eventually, months and months later, he follows the trail to the brothel. This is devastating, ofc. Ryan is no longer there, and that's more devastating still. All the determination that had been slowly burning for almost five years is refired by this realisation, by seeing this place and realising what's *happened* to Ryan. Brendon *has* to find him, even if it's more than four years now since he briefly knew and loved him.

(next comment...)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Some money and some clever talking later, Brendon manages to extract from the owner the name of the guy who bought Ryan, and some questions around town later, follows this lead up into the mountains, travels on horseback and finally, nearly five years after Ryan was torn away from him, rides up to Spencer's estate.

And here we encounter my Spencer imaginings. They are a little (a lot) out there :P And a product of my violently massive love for 19th C Spencer XD (well, any Spencer :P) And, like, long and way too in depth :P So just...you know, if they sound totally insane, that's cool XD It's just my brain :P I couldn't help myself :P

So, years previously. Spencer is finally making this awkward headway with Ryan. There is still the massive issue of Ryan being raped repeatedly by Spencer's dad, but Spencer's working on ideas, he's *going* to find a way to get Ryan out, and all his efforts to help Ryan cope seem to finally be gaining ground. They've been making out for idk, a few weeks (so a few weeks after the commentfic), and a few days ago, in the commentfic I'm going to write you tomorrow-ish :P, Spence has ended up giving Ryan a blow job. It's not something Ryan really understands--it's something he has SUCH bad associations about, and the idea that Spence wants to do that is just baffling to him, but Spencer's patient, and Ryan is trying to readjust his brain. There's progress. Ryan trusts Spencer. He's clinging to this shred of control he has with Spencer, he's slowly coming to believe that he can heal, a little, maybe, if he holds on. Spencer loves him so, so much, and that, slowly, is returning the tiniest sense of self-worth to Ryan.

And then. Idk if Spencer tries one of his plans and is caught, or if he's caught with Ryan, or if his dad treats Ryan particularly violently one day and Ryan's sort of stumbling back out to his empty shed thing broken and bloodied and Spencer loses it and yells and goes off, or what happens, but *something* happens, and Spencer's dad seizes Ryan, rides off out the gates with Spencer desperately chasing behind on foot, and Spencer, obviously, can't keep up, and loses them in the trees. Spencer loses it. He paces around the estate freaking out all night, until finally, in the morning, his father returns, without Ryan, and says he's sold him.

Spencer *really* loses it. He knows what that means. He promised Ryan he'd save him from this, he needs Ryan, he *loves* him, Ryan was getting better, he was going to be okay, and--and he's been sold back to probably a brothel. No saving. No getting better. He would have been better off if Spencer had killed him when he asked. Spencer grabs a kitchen knife (or a gun, or whatever he can get hold of here) and threatens his father. The desperate pounding in his head is screaming that if he can just find out who Ryan's been sold to, he's armed, he can make his father give him the horse, and Spencer knows the way to town, he can ride, fast, and find Ryan, and buy him out, and...his father doesn't know who he sold Ryan to. He just wanted to get rid of him, sold him to the first person who'd give him decent cash. Didn't give a shit to ask names or details. Spencer threatens him, then hurts him, injures him, pushes as far as it's possible to push and--and nothing. He doesn't know. Maybe he says something about Ryan. Maybe he says something about picking up another one and making sure the new one's locked up. Maybe Spencer's just been pushed too far. He takes the last step and kills his father, right there and then, hopelessly certain that he really does know nothing about where he's sent Ryan.

With his father dead, everything belongs to Spencer. He takes all the money he can find in ten minutes, enough, he thinks, to buy Ryan, mounts his father's horse and rides his fastest into town. His only lead is *where* his father sold Ryan, and he starts there. He stays in town, searching, asking until his money runs out. He rides back to the estate broken and desperate and hating everything. He loads all the saleable goods he can find, all the banking documents, all the rest of the money into his father's cart, hitches it to the horse, and heads back into town.

(and next comment... :P)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Spencer searches systematically. He visits every slaveowner in town. Then he heads to the next town, and keeps going. For months he searches, while the two poor staff left back at the estate barely keep the place running. Spencer keeps searching, and asking, and travelling. Every time he's tempted to stop, he can't help but think--what if it's just the next town? What if he's an hour's ride away, and I stopped here? And while he travels, he learns. The story he learns is devastating. Ryan is not an isolated case. This is an industry, and Spencer sees hundreds of 'Ryan's in too many towns. But never a trace of Ryan. Whoever bought Ryan, he's been taken away, away from this corner of France.

Finally, a point comes. Spencer's exhausted most of the money. The estate's not being managed in any kind of profitable way, the money's not coming in, and he's spending too much trying to get information, trying to keep moving. The search is no longer supportable. And the search no longer has a point. Ryan isn't here. And so, one day, too broke to pay for a place to sleep let alone buy back Ryan, Spencer turns around, and heads home.

He keeps asking in every town he goes through, all the way back, but people don't answer questions so well for a worn, tired traveller with little, and there's nothing. Finally, Spencer reaches the first town, and before he heads back into the mountains, he goes back to the first place he looked--to the place where Ryan was bought and sold. They don't even remember him, let alone Ryan. But the owner overhears him asking questions of the staff, offering his full remaining bank balance--a pathetic sum for what was a wealthy family, but a lot for a slave in a small town--for information, and misunderstands, and comes out to offer alternate merchandise. And before he has time to protest, there's this boy there--this young man--this broken, hurt, struggling boy just like Ryan. Just like Ryan was. Spencer's seen hundreds of sex slaves. Normally though, he's very clear that he's not 'shopping', so it's at a distance, and...and this is the place Ryan came from. This is the place Ryan went away. And the fear, the sickening offer and the flinching brokenness of this helpless slave...Spencer can't leave him there. Maybe he can't save Ryan, but he knows in that moment that he has to save *something*, what he had with Ryan is going to mean something, goddamnit, it has to. He can't let it come to nothing. So he puts on an act for the owner the way he has for months--even though the closer proximity, the nature of this act makes him want to throw up at the monster's feet--and he barters, and buys as many slaves as he can for most of what capital he has left. And he swears to himself, if it takes the rest of his life, he'll protect them, those who'll let him, and find a way for them to heal. For Ryan. So that all Ryan's suffered, all he tried, all his strength and his hope and his trust means something good.

Funnily enough, these kids don't trust Spencer in the slightest. But he takes them all back to the estate, doesn't let them out of the cart before they get there 'cause they'll run off and die in the woods, but takes them into the mountains, gives them food and shelter and tries to explain, and then tells them they're free to stay or go. The vast majority go. He gives them the cart so they won't die, and tells them to go somewhere else, another town where they won't risk being recognised. And that's probably what clinches it for the two who do decide to stay. They stay, and Spencer stays away from them, mostly, gives them space, and for the first month they cling to each other and are wary of everything, but slowly, they start talking again, then they offer to help out, and so Spencer and his two very cautious staff and these two boys rebuild business of the estate. The money starts coming in again. By this time, things are better. There's real trust. There's something like companionship. And these two guys come to Spencer with an idea--there's money coming in now. Couldn't they try again? Couldn't they buy more slaves out?

(and one more...I think? :P)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Oh, and wrote a whole string more dialogue at work the other day off the end of that commentsketching I was doing somewhere in these comments of *the heroic and heartbroken return of Brendon Urie* (*snort* :P), must type up and paste it on the end, lol XD (lacking sleep, ignore me if I sound like a mad person :P)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yayyyyyy can't wait to see!