behindthec | "THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BOYS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!"

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"THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BOYS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!"

cut for hugeness, polls, brainstorming, recs, etc.

a few recs:

http://dys-topia.livejournal.com/4819.html
SHE WROTE IT!!!!!!!!! *dances* don't ask me why i like this pairing; it is too complex to explain. HOWEVER, everyone must write it now, in order to win my eternal love. please please please please please??

http://emmuzka.livejournal.com/296825.html
this is really disturbing, but amazing. read the warnings. i would LOVE a sequel.

http://community.livejournal.com/diedandreborn/46037.html
utterly delicious. oh god. more of this forever. sleepysex with top!ryan is my favourite. nnngggghh.

random, but BEST MOTHERFUCKING ICON EVER.

the_randomist... ily.

also totally random, but something popped up in my gmail ads yesterday and it took me a moment to figure out why, and it's because the following line is in chapter 8 (i write all fic in gmail drafts): "Brendon steps outside, out the glass doors and down the path, past the hammock until his bare feet meet sun-warmed wood." HERE IS THE SCREENSHOT:

can't stop laughing, omfg!

so, okay. i really wish people wouldn't go anon just to tell me something they think i don't want to hear. (exception being when i know who you are but for privacy reasons you go anon to say something; that's FINE). if you go anon just to say something you're afraid to say logged in (said exception aside), dude, i'm not going to dislike you for expressing your opinion, especially when it's done nicely. i respect all opinions expressed maturely and politely. i don't care what you say to me; i have no idea who you are; even non-anon you're still just an icon and a username. we're all open and friendly here. don't be afraid.

i hate how so many people here seem to be (and often admit to once being) intimidated by me. what the hell is so off-putting about me? i talk to everyone. i answer every comment, message, and email (eventually). i hold open house posts for lurkers, where i've made some of my best friends. how am i intimidating? i don't get it. :(

i also i wanted to reply publicly to that comment about biting off more than i can chew, fic-wise, to explain how i write. first off, i am not planning on writing all these fics at once. :P i'll be choosing one, and the others will be put on hold. the way i work is, i have to write whatever fic i am obsessed with at the time. so i may have tons of ideas and planned-out fics in my mind, but when i actually sit down and commit to something, it has to be what i'm excited/obsessed/passionate about at that given moment; once i actually start writing it, i generally stay obsessed till i finish. this is why i so rarely take prompts or requests, and when i do, i make a huge prompt post and pick the one i connect with most. i have to really *want* to write the fic; i can't write based on what you guys want or when. for it to turn out well, it has to be what i want, when i want it. that sounds so selfish, but that's the only way it works. otherwise i won't enjoy it, and the quality will suffer. make sense?

also, the reason i'm so excited about this fic is because it would be my first real AU, and you know i've always been very meh about AUs in the past b/c they don't feel real to me, and i'm big on canon. but canon is stressing me out too much lately; i'm too attached to it, too affected by it, too dependent on it; i think it would be really emotionally healthy for me to write something that i have complete control over; where it doesn't matter if ryan's doing coke IRL or brendon has a girlfriend. plus i think it's a very important transitional step for me to take if i ever want to write original fiction someday, which i do. plus it's just indulgent and FUN, and i want fic to be fun again.

so, there's my reasoning.

moving on! okay, so clearly, there are as many people for kilts as against them. i personally still find them kind of ridiculous, though the fact that someone mentioned they were generally worn without underwear is a definite plus. idk. what do you think? feel free to post photographic support for your opinion in the comments, otherwise i'm going with no.

[Poll #1384130]

i could always set this in ireland too, considering i have a much stronger mental memory of irish accents than i do scottish (and i even PREFER irish accents). We went with scottish b/c sara had heard that ryan is part scottish, and we know brendon is, but… idk, i could definitely go irish. thoughts?

[Poll #1384131]

also, bagpipes are out; i just went with them initially 'cause it was obvious. :P pianos, so much sexier than bagpipes. also, my first historical request: what other instruments were there in late 19th century scotland? anything guitar-esque? AUs are much easier for me to swallow (lol) if they maintain the basic canon of the characters being musicians. i want ryan to play something. also, i have some ideas for what to do with jon and spence and other bandom peeps, but if you have thoughts for them, let's hear it. i'm considering a side of joncer, maybe. idk. kinda cliche.

last night before bed my brain developed about 2k worth of dialogue for this fic, which is. a very good or very bad thing. some more brainstorming with soph last night:

Sophie: me: AND BY "THE WORLD" HE MEANS "MY DICK"
Sophie: WELL YES
lols
me: YESSSSS :D
or maybe oh god
5:11 PM
maybe he and brendon had this adorable ~courtship before
and they ksised and stuff
but never actually had sex
and before they could, ryan was sold as a slave!
Sophie: awww
me: so when they meet up again years later, they get to have their first time!
Sophie: i think they should flirt
me: total epic faily flirting
Sophie: def
me: brenodn can bring him fucking FLOWERS and stuff
5:12 PM
Sophie: omgggggg
and Ryan's all blushy and Idk-what-to-do-with-this-affection
me: i knowwwwww
Sophie: but also smiley
me: and they have to run off to the park at night to be alone, 'cause, ryan's dad
5:13 PM
Sophie: yess
and pls bden has to hrow pebbles at ryan's window
me: OF COURSE.
and climb the tree to his window while wearing his kilt :D
Sophie: AND RYAN CLIMBS DOWN AND IS FAILY AND BDEN HAS TO CATCH HIM
me: YES!!!!
5:14 PM
and they are all tangled and blushy on the ground
Sophie: like in the making of that green gentleman video
me: :LSKEJR:LIEFE YES!!!!!
that gif makes my life
Sophie: and bden's just like eeeeeeeee, I caught a ryro
gif?
i has no gif
just the dvd lol
me: EEEEEEE
oh, well, gifs of it have been made lol
5:15 PM
Sophie: well. yes
AND THE MOON IS OUT. AND RYAN IS PRETTY. AND BRENDON IS LIKE "... you're pretty"
5:16 PM
and it is cold so he has to give ryan is coat
except then ryan is a girl
lol
i fail at making them boys
me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
THEY DONT' HAVE TO BE BOYS IN THIS
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT
Sophie: YESSSSSS \o/
5:17 PM
maybe they should nearly kiss but then Ryan sez he has to go home
and Bden thinks they can ~nxt time
and then Ryan gets made a sex slave
me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW
ASKLERJAOFAPO3I
nooooo!!!
they have to have one kiss!!!
5:18 PM
Sophie: hahaha
fiiiiine
is your fic
lol
me: ONE KISS
BEFORE YEARS OF MISERY
come on
i just need to figure out how he gets all ~stolen. or if his father ends up broke and actually sells him. :/
5:19 PM
Sophie: HAHA I SEX OK
UM. SEZ
me: HAHAHAHA
you sex okay
Sophie: i do ok
i thinks he gets sold :/
me: i knowwww ugh
5:20 PM
Sophie: which is like. gah.
me: i KNOW
Sophie: and can Bden get pissed at his dad?
or something?
me: yeah, totally
i see his dad eventually committing suicide though
once he realizes what he's done
maybe he was drunk when he sold him
Sophie: yeah
makes sense. in a morbid way
me: UGH POOR RYAN
5:21 PM
Sophie: why are we writing such depressing aus?
me: I DON'T KNOW
Sophie: they are aus. WE COULD HAVE UNICORNS
me: KIK!!!!!
er, LOL!!!
Sophie: lolol
me: YES
BRENODN RESCUES RYAN ON A UNICORN
LIKE IN PRIZONER OF AZKABAN
prisoner, even
Sophie: OMG YES
me: AND ITS NAME IS SPARKLES
Sophie: omg lol
5:22 PM
:D
okay. srs bsnss

*headdesk* that last bit was a joke. most of this is a joke. :P

what i wanted is for them to have a kiss (or maybe sex, once), and then the next day ryan is sold into slavery. brendon is present for it all, he's hanging onto the bars on the back of the carriage where ryan is locked in, their fingers overlapping as brendon promises him, "i'll come for you, i promise." and such begins the Quest.

also, thoughts for what ryan's dad's shop is? what kind of business? i have some ideas for how ry and bden meet; i think ryan sees him around a few times before, gets caught staring, etc., and then he finally runs into him (literally, b/c, cute) in the marketplace one day. and is utterly faily and shy and ends up running off. but bden just smiles after him because he's all hearteyes and stuff. ugh, so many ideas swarming in my head. all i want to do is sit and write them down all day, and instead i have to work. :(

i will jot down this one moment i don't want to forget. ryan and brendon sneak off during one point in their faily ~courtship and spend the afternoon by the river or something, sprawled on their backs watching the sun, and the subject of death comes up, and ryan talks about how you have to live each moment, b/c you could die the next (in typical melodramatic, morbid ross fashion :P), and bden's kinda quiet... and that night is the night he throws pebbles at ryan's window in the middle of the night (\o/!), and ryan opens up and lets him in (AHEM) and he's like wtf are you doing here dumbass, my dad will ACTUALLY MURDER YOU if he finds out. and bden just crowds him against the wall, breathless, their foreheads touching, hands joined, and says, "i know, i know, i just couldn't, what if we died and i'd never told you?" and ry's like, "told me what?" and bren says, "that i love you," like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and kisses him. UGH MY HEART. i really, really want them to have sex that one night, and then the next day ryan gets taken. :'( but, i also love the idea of them having their First Time years later... y'know... um... after ryan's been a SEX SLAVE for however many years, so, okay, maybe not. :P though, bden could teach him how sex is ~beautiful. *eyeroll* clicheeeeeeeeeee, ack! thoughts?

sigh. my brain. my life. enough of this nonsense.

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Ryan's...quiet again. Slow. Spencer's breath slows sympathetically, too tuned to Ryan right now, way too pinned to Ryan, and...and he doesn't know what to say. At all.
It's several more seconds of slow, of settling breathing, of after before Ryan's eyes shift slowly, so slowly, back to Spencer, and he blinks, and he's not looking past anymore. He looks...soft. Not--fuck, soft? Spencer glares at himself, but...he's not tense. He's just...puzzled, just there, not curled up and cringing and tight, and...and Spencer's never really seen that. Even Ryan's words are soft. "I didn't think you'd...really do it."
Spencer opens his mouth automatically to go back to apologising, oh god, 'cause, but--but Ryan said not to. And...and he looks...he doesn't look hurt. And Spencer doesn't have a clue where he stands, and the last thing he wants...
"Could...would you..." Ryan looks down at the dirt. "We could try...that again? If you...I--I wasn't ready that time."
At least half of Spencer melts, while the other half wildly attempts to contain what is apparently a vast previously undiscovered ocean of thoughtlessness and selfishness and lack of self control. "Ryan, you...we...don't have to."
Ryan tenses at that--bites his lip--Spencer internally scolds his weak half to stop being completely ridiculous--but Spencer can see him breathing through it, see him thinking, and the tension relaxes again, a little. His voice is just a little stronger. "I want to. I..." the hesitation is there in his body, in the nervous twist of his fingers, the flick of his eyes up and down, behind him, over to the far wall, back to Spencer. "I just want to try."

This time, Spencer deliberately takes a moment to think. It's not very easy to think, with undesirable aspects of his personality--like, say, his cock--swimming around his brain like a vat of heavily fortified wine, but...but he tries to think. And--this isn't a good idea. It really isn't. But--but nothing else is either. There is nothing else he can think of to do. He can't say no. Not when--not when Ryan'll think...

And it wasn't bad. He kissed Ryan, he kissed Ryan and it was amazing, and Ryan's not hurt. Ryan seems to be okay.

Spencer looks up at Ryan's face, carefully, as hard as he can, and Ryan's just--waiting. Maybe a little apprehensive. Mostly thinking, or Spencer thinks so. He's not so used to Ryan actually looking up from his knees. But he doesn't look hurt. And, well, he did say...kissing's kind of separate. If that's true, if kissing isn't something that's been...ruined, for Ryan, then...then maybe it's okay. Maybe, if it's just kissing, if Spencer can just keep a hold of his hands, damn it, then...Ryan's still waiting. Spencer takes one more moment to breathe. Then--"Okay. Alright. I--" Pause. Coherent sentences. Spencer starts again. "What would you...do you want me to just--"
"Do it again?" At least Ryan sounds equally uncertain. "What you did before? Just--just...kiss me? If that's--"
"Yeah." Spencer shifts awkwardly closer on his knees--slowly. Slowly, in case Ryan changes his mind. "It's okay. It's--it's good. If that's what you--"
Ryan nods. "Just to...to try."

There's no more slow to exhaust. No more space to shuffle forward. No more words. Just--Ryan. Right there. Spencer sits back on his heels, lets Ryan be taller. Ryan's right knee presses a little against his left. Ryan's eyes won't stop moving. Spencer swallows. "Okay."
Ryan nods, just barely, leans forward a little--and stops, shoulders tense again.
Spencer's halfway to making his legs move, getting out of Ryan's space, before Ryan mumbles--"Can you? I...I mean--can you do it? Not me? Can you kiss me? I think that's...easier."
Spencer waits until he thinks his voice might sound less like a thirteen-year-old girl's to reply. "Okay."

And he makes himself look up--look right at Ryan's eyes--and they finally stop moving. And they watch each other, just a little apprehensive, more than a little uncertain, as Spencer leans in, slowly, as slowly as his muscles will go, until Ryan's right there, breath on his lips, individual eyelashes oddly visible, eyes still wide open, watching--and okay. A little afraid, a little unsure, but...waiting. So Spencer keeps his eyes open, holds onto that lifeline, and watches Ryan's eyes change as he presses the last inch forward, and feels the overwhelming yes ripple through his body, over the tips of his fingers, peaceful and brilliant and warm on the soles of his feet and his stomach and his cheeks and the beat of his blood beneath the surface, as he presses their mouths together, just together, Ryan's lips soft and smooth and warm and Ryan's and perfect.

Spencer never remembers the moment that his eyes close. He wishes later that he did, because it's something he would have liked to remember. He doesn't though, it's not a conscious thing, it's not something he would have let happen if he'd been remotely capable of thought because he's meant to be watching Ryan, making sure this is okay. But somewhere along the lines, Ryan moves. Not much, but...but he moves, and then he moves again, and then, just a little, barely at all but enough to obliterate Spencer's ability to process, Ryan's kissing back. Sort of. Maybe. Again, Spencer can't really remember. But he's kissing Ryan, and Ryan's--well, trying--and their eyes are shut, or Spencer's are, and it's good, it's too good, it's more than Spencer knows how to let go, it's everything he ever wants, here, close, slow, perfect, with Ryan, Ryan not shaking, Ryan not tense and afraid, Ryan not distant and unreachable and broken but here, here, right here, and that's all there is, that's all Spencer can even feel, Ryan's lips and Ryan here and Ryan, filling up his brain--until he feels something else. Because yeah, that's--well, Ryan. That's Ryan's skin at his fingertips. That's a tendon in Ryan's neck, so tense it's a hard bar straining through his skin. That's Ryan's lips suddenly tight, Ryan's breath short, and--and that's how long it takes to go oh fuck damn it shit and jerk himself away. "I'm--"
"Spencer."
"I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't--"
"Spencer. Stop it."
Spencer lowers his hands slowly back to his own thighs from where they're held up defensively, pointlessly in the air. "I didn't mean to."
But again, Ryan doesn't look--he looks thoughtful. Not hurt. Not scared, or not like that. Just--unsure. "But...that's normal, right? I mean...that's...how people..."
Honestly, Spencer wouldn't have a clue. He hasn't exactly had a lot of experience in this. But...it was natural, so..."I guess?"
Ryan nods. "I...is this...is this alright?"
Spencer makes himself think about every word. "Is what alright?"
Ryan looks down at their knees, still almost joined. "I...I'd like to try. This. If...if that's okay with you."

Spencer puts his hands on the ground before they can be disobedient again. "What's 'this', Ryan? I mean, just so I'm...sure."
Ryan doesn't answer right away, and when he does, it takes Spencer a moment to catch the feeling behind it. "I didn't expect you to kiss me. But...you did. And again. And...like that."
It's hope. Ryan's not smiling, not anything like it, but...but there's something there. Just. Only just. Spencer nods slowly. "Yeah."
Ryan nods too, like he needed the confirmation. "Yeah. And...and you don't want me to die."
"No." Spencer makes himself focus on Ryan, rejects the panic that springs up at the mention of it. "I don't. I really don't."
Ryan nods again--and then--and then looks up, properly, right back into Spencer's eyes, so Spencer has to stop himself leaning forward and kissing him again just by default. Because--that's not what's in Ryan's face. Ryan's eyes are startling this close, even with their only half sliver of emotion, but...Ryan looks afraid. And he sounds afraid. And it takes Spencer a moment to understand--"You--you're going to find a way out of here, right? You're going to get me out? As soon as you can?"
Spencer has to close his eyes, because he can't look at that and not break things, not burn down the house and see if that doesn't somehow make a way out for them. But he opens them again, and he holds Ryan's gaze, and wills it to be there in his face, whatever Ryan needs to hold onto. "As soon as I can, Ry. I swear. There is nothing in the world I want more than to get you away from here."
And he keeps on looking until Ryan nods again, and the fear fades, melts back, and determination takes its place. Not much--Spencer doesn't think Ryan has much determination left in him, it's a miracle he has any at all--but a little. "Then...then I want to try. If...if I'm going to get out of here, I need to be normal when I get there, don't I? So--so I need to work on it. I need to--practice."
"Ryan--"
"I can't flinch whenever people walk past me. I can't--I can't be scared. And--and this is normal, isn't it? People do this, people--kiss. And stuff. And it's--it's not bad. I--I don't want to be broken, Spence." There are tears in Ryan's eyes, it's impossible not to see this close, but--but they're not bad. He's speaking too fast. "I want to not be broken. I want to get better. I want to be able to get better. I--I just want to try. I just want to try and maybe, maybe it might work, maybe I can--maybe when I--if I--when you get me out of here...maybe then I...maybe I could...be not like this." Ryan gasps in a breath, the tumble of words exhausted, and he looks down, back down at his hands. "If...if you think so. I...I didn't think...you'd really want to be near me." Wonder. Wonder and the lingering traces of puzzlement and there, just there, just an edge of the beginnings of almost hope.
Slowly, so slowly, Spencer reaches over, and takes Ryan's left hand. Ryan tenses--of course Ryan tenses--and that still makes Spencer ill, still makes him want to be sick and then destroy things, but he doesn't jerk away, and Ryan doesn't flinch back, or not more than the automatic. Ryan's eyes move with their hands, watching, waiting--trusting--and Spencer takes it slowly, moves slowly, carries Ryan's hand, not trapped, just held up, until he can lift it a little further and carefully, cautiously, watching Ryan's eyes, he presses one closed-mouthed kiss to the backs of Ryan's fingers. He doesn't draw back until just the tiniest bit of the tension in Ryan's fingers just, just begins to relax, just the tiniest bit. And then he doesn't put down Ryan's hand, not just yet, just whispers "You're not broken. Not for good. You're..." there are a million things he wants to say to Ryan, stupid, gushing things, and none of them are right, none of them are without the too-much-risk, but--but maybe that can come later. Right now, only one thing matters. "You're going to be okay," Spencer murmurs, quietly, as he lays Ryan's hand back down on his knee.
And when he lets go, Ryan keeps holding on. "Okay."

34kjasyofiawjh34kjawbhlkvujhoawh34lawjkhroiuhowihlkawj4haeiluyvoijawh34liuahw4oaiwuhfoiuhaw34ihaowiuh

just. ase,hsapvfuiohpawio34paoi34u.

BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ASKLJEHOICVJAPOW3I

i couldn't stop reading. i was almost late for work. :P damn it, NOW I WANT TO MAKE THE FIC SPYRO. FML.

moar???

MY HEART, IT ARE ACHING AND BROKEN AND GAH.

Hurty, comforty Spyro. amazing.

but poor, broken Ryan D:

I both hate you and love you right now. but mostly ily <3

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"THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BOYS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT!"

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