i just ended a four-year relationship. fuck zen, fuck dealing, fuck maturity. i need to not be in my head. like, a lot.

picspam me?

cybersex?

lolcats?

failpics?

fly to atlanta and cuddle me?

anything?

i probably won't answer comments, but. i think that's allowed.

had an unusually lovely day, filled with meditation and browsing of zen books at b&n (as you may've noticed via twitter) and buying a hot-pink harness for pete (who is a pretty pretty princess) so we could take him out in this gorgeous weather.

FIC UPDATE: today in the car i made the executive decision that my next project is going to be william/tom. i'm going to base it on the fm&mk sequel that i will never write, b/c fm&mk was my first fic and it was so embarrassingly mediocre; i don't want to be associated with it anymore. but i love the premise for the sequel so much that i'm going to write it as a present-day fic on its own, leading up to the current academy/empires tour, possibly. i am so, so excited i get to use the plot; it's kind of awesome. so, look for that after pccf. i'm pretty sure my title's still going to be overexposed.

anonymous comment on ch 3 sez: I know you're a big fan of adding canon (o hai Ayn Rand reference!) to your fic so I felt like I should mention that Brendon is actually a big fan of Silverchair! Ryan has said before that Brendon has been listening to them since the early days and they both have mentioned loving the last album. :)

FML. they would love the last album; they're so gay, jesus. i love how it's anonymous, too. that's totally ross stalkin' me again, tryin' to make sure i don't portray him inaccurately. :P (i'm impressed this is my only mistake. i'm good.)

drunk vid 1 and drunk vid 2 are up. they're so lame; we're barely drunk.  but, i'm in my camouflage boxer briefs, so.

on a side note, selectivelyurie and i have been emailing each other pictures of koalas and plotting our epic panic! at the zoo AU in capslock. it's made of so many kinds of win. we're talking pete as the crazy reptile dude, brendon and jon as zookeeper bffs in little steve irwin shorts and sneakers, and ryan and spence as snooty businessmen in italian loafers who come to rescue the zoo from the shit economy and ~revolutionize the way it's run, which includes new rules that everyone hates (like brendon and jon not being allowed to sing/play guitar for the animals every night). brendon has instant heart eyes for ryan despite ryan's assholery, and jon and spencer wind up in a very physical, supply closet-based relationship, while pete pines over patrick the zoo gift shop owner, and brendon attempts to give ryan a koala as a courtship gift, which ryan declines.

off to take schmexy pics of keri now. don't worry, i'll share. ;)

...if, hypothetically, ryan were to suddenly reveal the results of his piano lessons (which he mentioned he was taking, years ago in interviews), what do you think he might like to play that brendon could walk in on and see? atm i'm leaning toward this. anyone who's seen the truman show will appreciate.

link me to your youtube choices? doesn't have to be classical, but i'm thinking something gentle and romantic. btw, chapter 1 of pccf is underway and i maybe kind of love it a lot. \o/

before i go, a few recs, which i never bother with unless i don't think they've been publicized as much as they deserve.

( recs, random stuff about fic philosophy, and more of my youtube madness. )

happy friday!

more youtube dumbassery, including me attempting to play guitar, which i... don't actually play, so.

(this was before gigasbolt came over to ~hang out, so i wasn't even drunk yet, but it's not like you can tell.)

last night keri slept out in the living room with pete so i could get some sleep.  she barely got any.  i slept fine.

is my wife not the greatest, in the whole world?

now we are watching order of the phoenix on tv w/ spanish subtitles and we can't stop laughing.

i kind of love my life sometimes.

ETA: hey, an actual reason for this post now! :P  my made-of-awesome clan and i can't figure it out.

is this jon walker or alex suarez?!

like, i'm pretty sure that's jon's cat dylan (the tabby is clover), so i'd assume, y'know, jon, but jon doesn't wear that watch, does he?  like ever?  and i can sort of see alex too?  and jon doesn't have that much hair on his forearms.  it is so infuriating that i can't figure this out!  i've never even thought of a resemblance between them!

ETA II: keri pointed out the mole.  yeah.  i'm tired.  i didn't notice that.  but the mole's on the other side so someone flipped the photo so that's why it doesn't look like alex so much.  so it's, alex, holding jon's cat???  STOP CONFUSING US, BOYS.  AND *WHAT* IS WITH THE BACKGROUND?!??!  the fish?  seriously?  and all the broken pieces where somebody tried to like, photoshop out the background?  without photoshop?  and why would someone flip the pic in the first place?  what is UP with this photo??  i sense a government conspiracy.  or something related to CFOB.  or aliens.  or petewentz himself, but i am pretty sure he is maybe an alien too.  his head is weirdly shaped.  i think i need coffee.

p.s. all this is making me want to ship alex/jon.  headdesk.

p.s.s. the new (or old, if it's from the cabin???) panic song on the mixtape: there are no words for my love for it.  like.  it could be my favouritest panic song ever.  MOAR NAO PLS.

p.s. i just wrote the angstiest spyro one-shot ever (technically part of a larger thing we're working on, but get this, IT'S TOO ANGSTY TO USE, ASOPE8RUAP9W48APW43). it keeps making us scream "OMG WE BROKE SPENCER!!!!!!!" anyone who writes me something can get it. god only knows when i'll post.

p.s.s. becca and i re-cast anne of green gables with patd. brendon: anne. jon: gilbert. spence: marilla. ryan: who the fuck knows. possibly josie pye?

off to play guitar! oh yeah: p.s.s.s.

so cliche, but whatever. i'm reflecting on the year; suck it.

shitty things of 2007:
- money problems.
- carpal tunnel/tendonitis.
- personal shit and identity crises.
- the two-week cold/flu of doom.

fucking awesome things of 2007:
- keri's graduating.
- my graduating. SUMMA CUM LAUDE.
- becoming more comfortable in my ever evolving sexuality.
- passing for a dude and getting hit on by teen girls/boys everywhere.
- having the coolest apartment of anyone i've ever known.
- hot topic bonding.
- EMO LOVE. and finally finding a style/look that fits me like a glove.
- that two-week-early special screening of order of the phoenix... and all its accompanying complications/fabulousness.
- discovering/getting into some *really really really* great bands (fall out boy, panic! at the disco, cute is what we aim for, the academy is..., boys like girls, all time low, my chemical romance, cartel... just to name a few).
- writing some fantastic fanfic, if i do say so myself.
- getting into some incredible fanfic and ships.
- learning shit about myself.
- TAI TV.
- "MOOOON!!!!! ...unmoon."
- the harry potter summer.
- alex gaskarth's stage presence. brendon and ryan's mad love affair. beckett & co. period.
- steve carell.
- role-playing and the development of my alter ego, colin.
- GETTING ALL TIME LOW'S PHONE NUMBER #(*&$)(*UF)(*&%)(*#&$(*#&$.
- the concerts(tm) (boys like girls, all time low, cartel, fall out boy, cute is what we aim for, plain white t's).
- developing really fantastic abs, and rediscovering yoga.

things i've learned in 2007:
- sex makes life so much better. but real hardcore love is still better.
- if you can't be content with where you are/what you have now, you never will be.
- you can't change people. (i am constantly evolving in my understanding/acceptance of this.)
- in the end it so, so, so really doesn't matter what other people think. (still working on this too.)
- living with pain is an inescapable part of existence.

latest pics and shit on facebook.

Shitty things:

1. I was forced to resign this morning after only a few days of working with WordsRU because my carpal tunnel/tendonitis/whatever this is came back so badly I can scarcely sit at the computer at all. They had been very pleased with my work thus far and it would have been a very promising job, so it was a very hard and unpleasant decision for me but I know what my arms need right now is pure rest, and that's what I'm going to give them.

2. I have no money for a sex change, and never will.

3. I am old.

4. My parents have officially stopped giving me any money at all. So we are completely independent now.

5. We are fucking broke.

6. I've been sick the last few days.

7. I am wishing I had majored in something useful and less INCREDIBLY BORING. Like... rock stardom.

8. I am very depressed because of all the above things.

Good things:

1. I have reached a place in my life where I am willing to make a "good things" list!!!!!

2. Keri's job, despite our complaining, does manage to pay enough that we can pay our bills and don't go hungry or anything like that.

3. We've got almost $4,000 in savings. A few more years and we'll be able to get a house!

4. I still have my Writing Center job as long as I want it.

5. My wife works out all the time and as a result has this incredibly amazing fucking body and strong muscles and tight abs and can fuck me so hard I can barely walk afterwards and I'm getting wet just thinking about her.

6. Also, she does wicked role-playing with me in bed and takes care of me when I'm sick AND when I'm not sick and goes to work every day at a job she doesn't like in order to support us and she works so hard to be supportive and understanding of my identity/sexual issues even though they are really really hard on her and tells me every day that it will be okay and we will get through all this shitty life stuff.

7. Practically everyone I know is super cool and supportive about my current semi-trans identity.

8. I don't live a hundred years ago, therefore I do not get thrown in the nuthouse for aforementioned identity.

9. I'm starting a yoga/no-computer regimen.

10. WE SEE FALL OUT BOY, CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR, AND PLAIN WHITE T'S THIS SATURDAY NIGHT P(#*&$)(*U)(#&$)&*FW#U$)( (#)#W&$)(*#W (W&#$)Q#$)*WFP W(#&$ )(W#&$)(Q (( (Q&R$(T$UW$&PF P7YR*&YIFUUY#(P $YR*O&@A*O#YIQY** P*S#P( P9 $)&* PWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *DIES*

11. I found THE hottest HP fic the other night (the challenge was "Marauders circle-jerk, light on the Peter, leading to eventual J/S blowjob with R watching... OH BABY YES). Link available on request.

12. Speaking of, lots of good gay sex on Logo lately (I like porn when I'm sick, apparently; this is a relatively new discovery), and plenty more in the Netflix queue. :D Got Keri to watch C.R.A.Z.Y. with me the other night, P#*%&(P*G#% it just gets better every time I see it. I know what I want for Christmas. We had a really awesome time watching Maurice, too - old 80's gay flick with Hugh Grant. BEST MOVIE LINE EVER: "We demand tea!!" Fucking hell yes I love early 20th century British gay boys. <3

13. Speaking of, my gay boyfriend is awesome and visits/flirts with me every week at work. <3

14. I can still be uplifted by the shallow declarations of people on Facebook/MySpace telling me how hot I am.

15. My good list is longer than my bad list.


So yeah. Won't be on the computer much in the next few months. Can still be reached though. Cheers.

1. i am not a teenager anymore.
- this was a surprisingly mortifying and devastatingly depression realisation. i have never felt older in my life than i did this weekend, nor ever experienced a stronger desire to be 14 again and go back to high school, as a male, and sleep with all my pretty male friends like they do in marauder-era potterfic. (i think my subconscious is reasoning that i would have less control or power as a girl; as a boy i would have much more control over my circumstances and the way my teenage life would go - i would be more aggressive and assertive.) so i have issues! bugger me sideways, i don't care, so does everyone else. mine are cooler, AND more interesting. and i'm like, all aware of them and shit. yeah.

1b. i am, and have been since i moved out of my parents' house, currently in a state of psychological regression to childhood. i miss my parents, miss being taken care of in that way (i specify in that way because lord knows keri takes care of me in many ways), and i miss the carefreeness of being a teen (despite accompanying angst), and i want to do it over again so i can have all the experiences i never had, being so sheltered. i am now old (comparatively) and can never go back, and there is much i want to have experienced. knowing i will not has been very hard to start accepting. anyhow, the regression explains my recent descent into slight* pedophilia (including the emo boys, AHA!), chanslash and cross-gen slashfic (parental relationships, AHA!), as well as my attraction to older women (hello mummy... and freud).

*meaning, y'know, nothing really younger than 13.

(1c. i don't know if ANYTHING, though, can explain my latest obsession with sirius/regulus fic other than the fact that 90% of the ppl who write them are *incredible fucking writers*... and the fact that their chemistry is just holyfuckingshitP(#$&(*FP(&#@)(*A&YF)*&P(R&@(P&PO*AUFP(#*U$P(*#$UP(*A. so there's that, i guess.)

2. having a gorgeous 13-year-old emo boy try to impress me on his skateboard is quite possibly the most embarrassingly flattering experience i have ever had with the opposite sex.

(2b. keri flicking him off afterward was also especially memorable. <3)

((2c. the marietta square on weekend evenings is emoskaterboy central. i am currently resisting the temptation to make emoskaterboy watching [like bird-watching but yummier] a weekend ritual.))

3. i am really very much in love, with the most incredible person on the planet.
- and really, the incredibleness is not infatuation with how much she loves me, but objective observation of her as a human being. just... wow. still, after over two and a half years, just... wow.

4. sex with biting that leaves giant red marks and tooth imprints on my stomach, legs, and wrists: HOTTTTTT.
- this is not actually news. more like a renaissance.

5. cartel rocks.

5b. pandora.com rocks even harder.

6. we cannot go into hot topic anymore ever again for the rest of our lives because we have spent over $100 in there (or the online store) in the last three days. FUCKING HELL OMFG.
- the PROBLEM, see, is that we have the exact same taste in style and music (she is shamelessly usurping my emo phase), so if she buys a fall out boy shirt, i am going to be stealing it a lot, and if i buy one, she is going to be stealing it, because stolen clothes are somehow funner to wear than our own (EVEN THO WE SHARE OUR DRESSERS/DRAWERS OMFG). so we have to get TWO of everything, just in different styles, god damn it. (luckily there are at least two designs of shirts for all the bands we love.)

(6b. DIG OUR NEW SLIM-FIT MCR TEES DUDE.)

(6c. i feel this, aside from the obvious financial concerns, is a very healthy outlet for my regression phase. that and role-playing in bed omfg... which may be less healthy given how addicting it is but, as previously stated, omfg.)

7. i can cut my hair really awesomely. it's like an official talent now, i think. pics to come.

8. my new chiropractor is god.

9. love conquers all.

10. maggie smith is the shit.

11. i really, really cannot wait to see wild tigers i have known.

12. i am damn fucking good at my job. they begged me and begged me to be the writing center outreach coordinator and i didn't want to but now i am excellent at public speaking and can make a class of stone-faced braindead freshmen LAUGH. also professors all over the english department have been sending in letters to the WC saying how freaking awesome i and my presentations are. so go me.

12b. job hunting sucks. i think i am aiming too high ("fuck them and their 5 years minimum experience; i have 2 and i was the oustanding senior and summa cum laude and all that shit which is SO BETTER THAN THE EXTRA 3 YEARS"... i don't know if that's really working). i really haven't applied to that many places though, because i write really well thought out, customised cover letters for each one and that takes a REALLY long time. also my actual job is keeping me very busy.

13. at the moment, despite a lot of shit, i am utterly satisfied with life, despite its lack of being perfect and all.

14. fuck it's late. bedtime.


ETA at 12:56am: I just checked my email. LOOK WHAT I GOT.

<< Dear Danielle,
>
> Thank you for sending your CV to WordsRU. Could you
> please give some idea of
> your availability in terms of hours per day. Our
> rates work out at an
> average of USD 7 - 10 per 1000 words. Will this work
> for you? Regards
> Stephen >>

I think I speak for, well, myself, when I say p#&P(*UP(*&%()*WJP$*%U_P(*S&_P(#$%#%.

k thx bye & g'night.

Random update! I don't think anyone reads this, but oh well... I am at work, see, and I cannot bring myself to read another word of my 800-page book (and NO it is NOT Harry Potter - if any course syllabus lists Little Dorrit, RUN), but my conscience won't let me work on my notes for my new fanfic because that is about the least homework-related activity imaginable, so I am compromising by writing a blog, which I never write anymore, and I have been very happy about that. 

( I dyed my hair Wednesday night, score! )

If you tell me it looks blue (as everyone has done thus far) I will shoot you with deathglare(tm). Which is rather the opposite of the Gary Oldman smirk (the Garysmirk(tm)) of which I have come to be so fond lately. (HAHA I MADE SENTENCE FRAGMENT *blows raspberry*.) I specifically passed over the shade of "Blue-Black," which I used last time and only liked for about two weeks, and chose "Bright Black." Which apparently still has a blue-ishness to it. Don't talk about it. I am going black in honor of Sirius, who is still alive and all, and the upcoming book/movie (i.e., black is the color of mourning, which is what I will be doing after the last book comes out).

Anyway, it's so much better than what it was. Black hair tends to look good no matter what. Even when it looks BAD it looks good. And it brings out my green eyes, so I'm feeling very Harry Potter-esque.

And speaking of Gary Oldman (...okay, that was like two paragraphs ago, but whatever), I have kind of fallen in love with him like mad (in a really disgusting hetero way; it's ridiculous) and have been watching all of his movies. I even signed up for a month of Netflix (just a month!) EXCLUSIVELY FOR THIS PURPOSE (stuff like Sid & Nancy and the obscure faggy flick he did in the 80's are not to be found at ye olde local Blockbusters). Immortal Beloved gave me chills and got me playing the piano again with almost rabid passion, and I am currently re-learning Moonlight Sonata to play for Keri when she gets home. <3

I don't know if it's just the frenzy of the book and movie coming out, or the fact that I am alone so much of the time since Keri's not around and thus have returned to fandom out of necessity, but I have become obsessed, like WHOA, with HP in a way I never have before. All my innocuous crushes on all the guys (Dan, Tom, now Gary, and David and Jason and everyone else) are like, full-blown crushes that are making my lesbian self scream in protest and utter bewilderment/disillusionment. It's actually brought up a lot of issues that I won't get into, but I am relatively happy, so that is good.

So, yeah, wrote my first fic in the fandom last week and just posted. Have a look if you can handle the underground cult ship of Harry/Sirius.
Read My Mind by Lola B.

I guess I am a bad English major; I have been secretly asking "Who's Kurt Vonnegut?" for the last three days. (I know the name, but that's about it.)

So Keri comes home in less than a month. P#OS*$&PSfjpoS*UP#$(*#Y:KHeiHS#&$#*NFE$$(*#&!Y@)*&. I... yeah. We have our apartment, and I could not possibly be more excited.

SHARE end-of-the-year staff dinner tonight, woohoo!; we just got an email and apparently the magazine is coming back from the printer's TODAY!!!!! And our big launch party - open to the public, btw - is April 20 at the Three Bears Cafe. EVERYONE FUCKING COME. It's going to be awesome. I feel very Bridget Jones about it, and am dying for someone to ask me the day before to do something the next day, so I can say, "No, tomorrow's the launch!" I am l0zer.

All the fanfic writing (56 pages in about 3 days) gave me another bout of carpel tunnel, and it's not going away yet. It sucks ass. Yet here I am, typing away. Stupid me.

I think that is all I have to say. I am really on top of all my schoolwork though, and have been doing everything way in advance so I don't get slammed at the end. I'm very proud of myself. I miss my wife like whoa. I have reached a stage of constant, unceasing horniness, which shall not be abated until she comes home.

Onward.