Colin

1. i am not a teenager anymore.
- this was a surprisingly mortifying and devastatingly depression realisation. i have never felt older in my life than i did this weekend, nor ever experienced a stronger desire to be 14 again and go back to high school, as a male, and sleep with all my pretty male friends like they do in marauder-era potterfic. (i think my subconscious is reasoning that i would have less control or power as a girl; as a boy i would have much more control over my circumstances and the way my teenage life would go - i would be more aggressive and assertive.) so i have issues! bugger me sideways, i don't care, so does everyone else. mine are cooler, AND more interesting. and i'm like, all aware of them and shit. yeah.

1b. i am, and have been since i moved out of my parents' house, currently in a state of psychological regression to childhood. i miss my parents, miss being taken care of in that way (i specify in that way because lord knows keri takes care of me in many ways), and i miss the carefreeness of being a teen (despite accompanying angst), and i want to do it over again so i can have all the experiences i never had, being so sheltered. i am now old (comparatively) and can never go back, and there is much i want to have experienced. knowing i will not has been very hard to start accepting. anyhow, the regression explains my recent descent into slight* pedophilia (including the emo boys, AHA!), chanslash and cross-gen slashfic (parental relationships, AHA!), as well as my attraction to older women (hello mummy... and freud).

*meaning, y'know, nothing really younger than 13.

(1c. i don't know if ANYTHING, though, can explain my latest obsession with sirius/regulus fic other than the fact that 90% of the ppl who write them are *incredible fucking writers*... and the fact that their chemistry is just holyfuckingshitP(#$&(*FP(&#@)(*A&YF)*&P(R&@(P&PO*AUFP(#*U$P(*#$UP(*A. so there's that, i guess.)

2. having a gorgeous 13-year-old emo boy try to impress me on his skateboard is quite possibly the most embarrassingly flattering experience i have ever had with the opposite sex.

(2b. keri flicking him off afterward was also especially memorable. <3)

((2c. the marietta square on weekend evenings is emoskaterboy central. i am currently resisting the temptation to make emoskaterboy watching [like bird-watching but yummier] a weekend ritual.))

3. i am really very much in love, with the most incredible person on the planet.
- and really, the incredibleness is not infatuation with how much she loves me, but objective observation of her as a human being. just... wow. still, after over two and a half years, just... wow.

4. sex with biting that leaves giant red marks and tooth imprints on my stomach, legs, and wrists: HOTTTTTT.
- this is not actually news. more like a renaissance.

5. cartel rocks.

5b. pandora.com rocks even harder.

6. we cannot go into hot topic anymore ever again for the rest of our lives because we have spent over $100 in there (or the online store) in the last three days. FUCKING HELL OMFG.
- the PROBLEM, see, is that we have the exact same taste in style and music (she is shamelessly usurping my emo phase), so if she buys a fall out boy shirt, i am going to be stealing it a lot, and if i buy one, she is going to be stealing it, because stolen clothes are somehow funner to wear than our own (EVEN THO WE SHARE OUR DRESSERS/DRAWERS OMFG). so we have to get TWO of everything, just in different styles, god damn it. (luckily there are at least two designs of shirts for all the bands we love.)

(6b. DIG OUR NEW SLIM-FIT MCR TEES DUDE.)

(6c. i feel this, aside from the obvious financial concerns, is a very healthy outlet for my regression phase. that and role-playing in bed omfg... which may be less healthy given how addicting it is but, as previously stated, omfg.)

7. i can cut my hair really awesomely. it's like an official talent now, i think. pics to come.

8. my new chiropractor is god.

9. love conquers all.

10. maggie smith is the shit.

11. i really, really cannot wait to see wild tigers i have known.

12. i am damn fucking good at my job. they begged me and begged me to be the writing center outreach coordinator and i didn't want to but now i am excellent at public speaking and can make a class of stone-faced braindead freshmen LAUGH. also professors all over the english department have been sending in letters to the WC saying how freaking awesome i and my presentations are. so go me.

12b. job hunting sucks. i think i am aiming too high ("fuck them and their 5 years minimum experience; i have 2 and i was the oustanding senior and summa cum laude and all that shit which is SO BETTER THAN THE EXTRA 3 YEARS"... i don't know if that's really working). i really haven't applied to that many places though, because i write really well thought out, customised cover letters for each one and that takes a REALLY long time. also my actual job is keeping me very busy.

13. at the moment, despite a lot of shit, i am utterly satisfied with life, despite its lack of being perfect and all.

14. fuck it's late. bedtime.


ETA at 12:56am: I just checked my email. LOOK WHAT I GOT.

<< Dear Danielle,
>
> Thank you for sending your CV to WordsRU. Could you
> please give some idea of
> your availability in terms of hours per day. Our
> rates work out at an
> average of USD 7 - 10 per 1000 words. Will this work
> for you? Regards
> Stephen >>

I think I speak for, well, myself, when I say p#&P(*UP(*&%()*WJP$*%U_P(*S&_P(#$%#%.

k thx bye & g'night.