Apr. 5th, 2009 03:08 pm
behindthec: (ryden.)
[personal profile] behindthec
like red alert, only, not, ha ha, okay.

so, my crush flirt buddy self-proclaimed soulmate lovely friend, [ profile] redorchids, finally convinced me to give up my entire sunday morning/afternoon (i don't think it was phrased quite like this, but that's what it took) and read this fic she wrote a few months ago. apparently i am a colossal idiot, because this fic is possibly the best thing i've ever read in bandom. yeah. i said it. definitely in my top 3-5, whatever. this one will stay with me after all others have faded. no way you can read this and not love it. the intense creativity she employs, the way she weaves panic's lyrics into it (you'll never look at any of their songs the same), the simple beauty of the writing itself; it's all stunning. some of you have complimented my use of metaphor; my stuff is elementary school drivel compared what she does in this, srsly. you will never forget this fic. also it's got some of the hottest sex i've ever read in my life. there, that perked up your ears, didn't it. :P

here it is. read the prequel/prologue first. and you have to go down every single path because they are all incredible. there. if i plug the fic any harder i'll... insert boisecks/buttplug joke here.

also, [ profile] moku_youbi is possibly my favourite person in the world as well, simply for this. OH GOD. i don't deserve you guys.

i motherfucking love my flist.

that said, i am now going to do something i never do and put on my tin hat, so for those of you who have been distressed by our fandom of late...

i don't tinhat; i love writing/reading all pairings that spark any interest to me, anyone for whom i can see some scrap of chemistry. but if we want to go all creeper and really look at the reality of these boys and their lives, here it is, in my opinion only. you will need to have been stalking following their twitters (and associated twitters) and blog pretty hard to get all this, but i know you all do, so. and yes, my brain is stupid and lame, this is what i think about instead of life and intelligent things and the world; whatever, sue me. we're in fandom. this is what we do. i'm doing it.

a certain ~theory came to me last night about the current panic shenanigans. (for those who have missed, brendon is now following ryan, and jon has a twitter too \o/). say, perhaps, brendon and ryan had this. thing. whether it was fuck buddies, an actualfax relationship, or just this intense flirtation/dancing-around-each-other thing, i don't know. but it lasted and intensified until ryan realized it couldn't go further or he'd just lose himself in it, the media would find out, he wasn't ready, he was afraid of feeling that much, whatever. around the time he met keltie (or, possibly, sooner, when the band started taking off). you all know this is my personal canon. so he starts dating her, and whatever the thing was with brendon... stops. this has always made sense to me, because you can see it so much in interviews and pics, the way brendon has this intense LOOK AT ME, I STILL WANT YOU thing going and ryan is, clearly, DNW, GO AWAY. (there is only so much the boys can hide; this stuff is painfully obvious in certain interview/performance moments and photos, and ryan knows it, you can tell.) ryan still of course willingly hangs all over spencer and jon, so his overcompensation with ignoring bden is backfiring and making it all, as i said, painfully obvious. anyway, so, he cheats with strangers to escape (i've done it; it's hard to describe your motivation, but it's escape and low self-esteem, needing to feel wanted by everyone you can manage to snag). he can't do it with brendon, because, obviously. so eventually The Text Message of Doom (i don't think it was brendon, i just don't; some random chick maybe) comes through and keltie dumps him, as she should.

so brendon and ryan have this one-on-one encounter, where possibly all they do is sit on the couch and avoid eye contact, or stare into each other's eyes the whole time and not know what to say. the basic communication, essentially, is brendon being like, so, you're an ass and a cheater, but i'm kind of still in love with you, and i feel like i know why you did all those things, so maybe you should stop being all in denial and get together with me because we're clearly in love. (only, in not such obvious words at all.) ryan comes back with... i need time. i need time/space to figure out who i am, what i've done wrong and why, what i feel for you, and whether i can even do this. because, brendon, if we do this, we're doing this. (meaning, there's no going back, they would be hardcore in a relationship, with probable future of iowa marriage and adopted babies, and it's possible they've never even had sex at this point, or kissed; they just implicitly know there's this Thing between them.)

brendon is afraid. brendon thinks time/space will make ryan choose No Bden. brendon says okay, moves to california, and takes spencer and shane with him. spencer asks ryan, do you need me to stay with you, and ryan says no. no, he needs you more.

ryan moves to cali after awhile because he can't be that far away from his boys, just for the band's sake and for his sanity. also he loves pwentz, has mad crush on alex greenwald, etc. jon arrives, rescues ryan from himself, from spiders, rascals, and the perilous trails of the canyon. jon walker is amazing.

the time/space thing starts to work. ryan feels like things are starting to make more sense, that he knows what he wants (BDEN), but now he's afraid, because brendon is all LOOKIT ME, I DON'T NEED YOUZ, I HAS A SHANE AND A SPENCE, SEE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE, LOOKIT HOW FINE I AM! and inside is flailing and keymashing. ryan doesn't see inside; ryan only sees, okay, wow, look at that, he doesn't need me after all. none of them do. and all it took is a dumb, short little separation for them to realize it. so he retreats further. hence the lonely blogs, lonely twitters, lonely everything.

jon's like, look. maybe brendon's full of it or in denial. he's scared. he's angry. he's longing. maybe you're going to have to take the first step.

so, spurred on by jon's words of wisdom and the fans' incessant freak-outs, ryan finally adds him on twitter. the first step.

brendon stares at his computer and doesn't know what to do. he's mad. he misses ryan. he thinks the separation was pointless (b/c they haven't been talking so he doesn't realize it's not pointless at all). he doesn't like this cryptic first step. but eventually he figures it's probably better to add him back than not add him back. that leaves us with... now.

they go to africa... insert stuff here. ryden confessions come out at some point in fantastically epic ways. they slowly start rebuilding whatever they had left behind when ryan started seeing keltie. and fall in love all over again, i suppose.

there. go write fic about this. if someone doesn't, i absolutely WILL and i do not want to write a 100k-word epic about this entire plot that i just, oh god, OUTLINED. i don't want to, oh god i don't. but i WILL if someone doesn't stop me, because that is how we work, isn't it. as writers, we write because we have to. our brains won't let us not do it, once the idea's there. but anyway, maybe i won't have to, because pccf kind of is my interpretation of how all this pans out, so, there, that's enough.

as i was writing this, the following came to my phone:
brendonuriesays: some people want answers, but i've never really been good at explaining myself

...i have no words. (except for the ones with which i replied to him, but.)

thoughts? additions? critique? theorize with me. i know some people will read this and think, oh my god, who cares, it's just fan fiction, leave the boys alone and stop trying to fit them into this world you want them in. but for the rest of us... eh, whatever. i can do whatever i want with them in my head, and they can lead a life totally opposite of what i think, and that's fine. i'm not going to knock on their doors and yell "BE IN LOVE, DAMN IT!" (lolz, picturing morning!ryan half awake and answering his door, scratching his head, being like, "whassitabout?") but i like thinking what i want. RPF fandom is a creepy, embarrassing place to be part of, but we're here. let's embrace our lameness and do what we love. ;)

that said, keri and i are gonna go scope out some skate rails at the local high school. what's in it for me? possible sightings of hot teenage boys spending time with my loved one. ♥

p.s. chapter 7 is about halfway done (there is a chance, a chance, i'll have to split it into two chapters but i really don't want to; we'll see; it's just so long already); hopefully will have it up by thursday as usual.

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May 2009

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