In bits as I get time to commentfic :D Just thrashed this out now, lol, haven't read through it at all. Hope it's not horribly repetitive. (got distracted last night combing lj comms for Ryan's old entries, lol. I am such a canon whore). I love 19th C Spencer so, so, so hard. I must write out my 'after Ryan's taken' Spencer imaginings once I finish this scene XD K, here goes.
***
"Can I ask you something?" Spencer almost doesn't hear it, or doesn't register that he does; they're been sitting there in silence for what, two hours? But when he looks up, Ryan's watching him through his eyelashes, head half-bowed like it always, always is, and Spencer opens his mouth and shuts it again and has to try a second time before he manages "What? I--yes. Of course." Ryan looks back down at the floor. Dirt ridged and carved out where his fingernails have worn back and forth in timeless lines. "You...it's never going to happen. You said...you know there's no way. I'm not getting out of here." Spencer digs his nails hard into his palms. "I told you I'd get you out. I'll find a way. I swear, Ryan, I'll...I don't know. But there has to be...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't...I'm trying. I'm trying, Ryan." Ryan doesn't look up, just shakes his head, just a little. "No, no, I--I know. You've been...very kind to me. But...it could be easier." Spencer is completely lost. Ryan seems to know this, too, so maybe he isn't just staring at the floor like he seems to be. "You...could do something else for me." Spencer stares for another moment, but nothing becomes apparent. "Like what?" And Ryan doesn't look up, but he does almost smile, just a little. "I just want to die, Spencer."
Breathe. Breathe, Spencer commands himself. It doesn't work. His body wants to move, somewhere, anywhere, and he makes it stay put. "Wh-what?" Ryan's still smiling, lips just curved up, barely there. "It'd be easier, wouldn't it? I think? If you could just...if there's some way you could get hold of a gun...you'd be allowed one, wouldn't you? If...if you said...you wanted to go hunting or something?" Spencer's brain is not working. At all. "A gun?" Ryan is half-curled up like he always is, knees almost to his chest, arms curled round the front, speaking quietly to his feet. Ryan is curled up, quiet, but he's smiling, just a little, like he never does. "You could say...you wouldn't have to take the blame, you could say I attacked you and took it from you, it'd...it wouldn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me if I'm dead."
Breathe. Breathe. Fuck, breathe. Spencer blinks hard, he can't cry, he can't cry in front of Ryan, but, but--"No. No, Ryan, no, I..."
Ryan is always so, so quiet. He looks up, just a little, and the almost-smile is gone. Quietly. "Please?"
Ryan doesn't look back down. Ryan looks at Spencer, and Spencer looks back. And just...looks. Thinking is...Ryan can't be right. He can't, there has to be...but...but Spencer thinks of what's happening here and wants to be sick, feels the bile at the base of his throat, half chokes on how sick this is, and...and it's been months. It's months since he promised Ryan he'd find a way, and...and there isn't. And...and how can he say to Ryan that he has to just...do this...while Spencer fails to help him?
But...it's Ryan. And...and he'd kill every person here before he could...not Ryan. Not Ryan. Anyone but Ryan.
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Date: 2009-04-30 12:20 pm (UTC)***
"Can I ask you something?"
Spencer almost doesn't hear it, or doesn't register that he does; they're been sitting there in silence for what, two hours? But when he looks up, Ryan's watching him through his eyelashes, head half-bowed like it always, always is, and Spencer opens his mouth and shuts it again and has to try a second time before he manages "What? I--yes. Of course."
Ryan looks back down at the floor. Dirt ridged and carved out where his fingernails have worn back and forth in timeless lines. "You...it's never going to happen. You said...you know there's no way. I'm not getting out of here."
Spencer digs his nails hard into his palms. "I told you I'd get you out. I'll find a way. I swear, Ryan, I'll...I don't know. But there has to be...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't...I'm trying. I'm trying, Ryan."
Ryan doesn't look up, just shakes his head, just a little. "No, no, I--I know. You've been...very kind to me. But...it could be easier."
Spencer is completely lost. Ryan seems to know this, too, so maybe he isn't just staring at the floor like he seems to be. "You...could do something else for me."
Spencer stares for another moment, but nothing becomes apparent. "Like what?"
And Ryan doesn't look up, but he does almost smile, just a little. "I just want to die, Spencer."
Breathe. Breathe, Spencer commands himself. It doesn't work. His body wants to move, somewhere, anywhere, and he makes it stay put. "Wh-what?"
Ryan's still smiling, lips just curved up, barely there. "It'd be easier, wouldn't it? I think? If you could just...if there's some way you could get hold of a gun...you'd be allowed one, wouldn't you? If...if you said...you wanted to go hunting or something?"
Spencer's brain is not working. At all. "A gun?"
Ryan is half-curled up like he always is, knees almost to his chest, arms curled round the front, speaking quietly to his feet. Ryan is curled up, quiet, but he's smiling, just a little, like he never does. "You could say...you wouldn't have to take the blame, you could say I attacked you and took it from you, it'd...it wouldn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me if I'm dead."
Breathe. Breathe. Fuck, breathe. Spencer blinks hard, he can't cry, he can't cry in front of Ryan, but, but--"No. No, Ryan, no, I..."
Ryan is always so, so quiet. He looks up, just a little, and the almost-smile is gone. Quietly. "Please?"
Ryan doesn't look back down. Ryan looks at Spencer, and Spencer looks back. And just...looks. Thinking is...Ryan can't be right. He can't, there has to be...but...but Spencer thinks of what's happening here and wants to be sick, feels the bile at the base of his throat, half chokes on how sick this is, and...and it's been months. It's months since he promised Ryan he'd find a way, and...and there isn't. And...and how can he say to Ryan that he has to just...do this...while Spencer fails to help him?
But...it's Ryan. And...and he'd kill every person here before he could...not Ryan. Not Ryan. Anyone but Ryan.
(cont. next comment)