Colin

"i've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not it's possible to have more. i was driving back from the lake house at night with my family and looking out the window, beyond the skyline and i just suddenly felt.... i don't know... suffocated. we all want to make a difference, we all want to have more than everything there is. it's a common goal and is it really achievable? you can travel the world and find happiness and love and success but does it all mean anything? and if it does, what IS the meaning? we're all just trying to live, just people on this toy globe we call the world and there's so many of us..... like white noise and is there a way to stick out of the static? and if we make a difference, we can't save the world... we can only help a limited number of people because god knows this earth is in trouble right now..... how do we get out of it? can we put aside our differences and move on, grow up, stop fighting over land and prices and help each other out? is it possible? there's the whole world, a life, cracked open in halves ahead of me, strewn out in a million pieces like a puzzle on the carpet, disoriented and confused and dizzy, spinning, mirrored, a facade. god, how many lives are there and how many are lost? how many are started? is it worth it? all we can do is find hope, find joy in the simple things because we're so insignificant...... is there a way to NOT be insignificant? is there more, beyond light-pollution skies and snow-frosted forests and friendships and fevered hours and sunsets? or are we all doomed to anonymity, not doomed because then you learn satisfaction and hope, but the clock is spinning backwards and suddenly you're not sure if you're dreaming, because life is blending wonderfully and tragically into one polychromatic, multifaceted blur and how do you absorb it, how do you live life to the fullest? how do you find? how do you explore? do i need to see the world to see myself? i think i know who i am but am i someone? is the reason i struggle with song lyrics because i haven't lived enough to write honesty in a melody? i need to live, not to live but to LIVE, to experience, because it's gone. all i know is breathing and the world just spins faster, there's something out there, right? something? some reason to believe that we're not here just to run our lives like hamsters on wheels, methodical, hypnotic, preplanned? birth, life, death.... endings and beginnings. margaret atwood said "true connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with." of course, she was talking about literature and writing, but then there's life. it exists. WE exist. that's all we can do, isn't it? exist? do i miss things? i want to be different. i want to juggle so many things because there's so much i have left to say. but does what i say matter? i'm just another blank face on a map made of irony... heartbreak and happiness, black and white, blended into gray.
i want more.
does it exist?"