falling apart to half time

[behindthec]

in the counter-spirit of thanksgiving...

- to be a boy.
- to go back in time twenty years and start then what i'm ready to start now.
- to write/play/share music.  to have friends near me that i can do this with.  i want it so badly.  i don't need fame, but this, i need.
- pretty boys.  lots and lots of pretty boys in my bed all the time.
- to make films that mean something to me and could mean something to others, maybe.
- NOT to have volunteered for this damn project at the conference last week, fuck me.
- a million lives i can't have, and that don't exist, and i want them all at once. 
- most of all, to learn how to be content with my life as it is.  even, maybe, to be happy with it.

i want these things so hard sometimes i can't breathe at all.  and what is most frustrating is that i know the reason i haven't achieved some of these things is because, as much as i want them, i just don't want them enough.  depression sets in and the whole "it won't happen so i shouldn't try" mindset takes over, and.  there.  i look at brendon, and, you know, music is his religion, seriously, it's EVERYTHING to him, and i admire that so much, and i envy it, because music means so much to me too.  just... apparently, not that much.  and that makes me angry.  my lack of adequate passion makes me angry.  all my passion goes to my anger and frustration.  it's lame.  it's so, so lame and i don't know how to change any of it.

the basic zen principle is that a life free from desire is the key to true and lasting happiness.  i know this.  i've read about this, i've studied it.  why can't i apply it?  why won't it sink in?  i kind of plateaued on it when bandom came around and bit me in the ass and said "hey, give your life to MEEEEEEEEE!" and then my efforts to improve myself were kind of lost.  hence my plan to finish pwf and step back and get right back on that track.  but.  still, now, i'm only going through the motions.  i'm not motivated except by depseration.  and i fear in the end it will always be easier to just hole myself away with my laptop for hours on end and not surface.  because.  real life sucks.  and i am almost twenty-six years old and i do not want to be twenty-six or thirty-five or forty-eight and still spending my weekends reading/writing fic because i can't connect to the world outside me and because i waited too long to pursue the things that mean something to me because i was so sheltered during my childhood and now, NOW i want to make music and just, BE that, when i should've made that decision at age 15 or 12, like ryan ross.  like everyone who Does That.

i'm rambling here and not really saying what i want to say at all; i had a fucking insanely shitty weekend, broke up and then un-broke-up, forgot my car appointment this morning, spent the weekend cryingcryingcrying until my head hurt, etc etc.  i don't even know what i want to say.

but i do know i want to say this, because i care about you guys.  those of you who are 14, 15, 16, whatever, please.  listen to this.  DON'T.  WAIT.  you have a dream?  you have a goal?  you still have time; do it NOW.  start NOW.  please, please don't wait.  the way i feel every single day of my life, i would not wish that feeling on anyone.  don't wait.  pursue it NOW.  take the steps TODAY.  take risks.  i never took risks.  risks are AWESOME.  failing doesn't make YOU a failure.  einstein failed 800+ times before inventing the light bulb.  people kept asking him, "aren't you discouraged?!"  and he was like, wtf, i made progress!  i found 800 things that don't work!

and as much as it pains me to say it, take a lesson from panic and stay away from drugs, even just weed and booze.  look at pictures of them just starting out, alert and bright-eyed and ready, and look at pictures of them now.  the shine in their eyes is gone.  they look like they've been through a cyclone and they're barely old enough to drink.  i love them but it makes me sad.  learn from their mistakes.  there's another good piece of advice.  learn from all the dumbasses around you.  trust me, there are plenty.

i'm also going to say, don't take what i said the wrong way.  zen and its philosophies are incredible and can be life-altering, truly.  you just have to be receptive and in a place where you are ready to accept what it has to offer.  i'm not in that place right now.  i know i will be at some point.  just.  not yet.  but read it, study it, it can do amazing things for you.

and always, always remember that you have power over yourself.  every individual has immense power; most of us just haven't discovered it yet.  if everyone followed my attitude, we wouldn't have electricity, or internet, or cars.  human power is astounding.  use yours for good.

do yoga.  yoga is INCREDIBLE.

remember that for all the things you don't have, there are millions of people in the world who have a million times less.

there will always, always be someone who is better at something than you are.  however, there will always be someone worse, too.  do what you love simply because you love it, not because it might gain you something.

exercise.  all the time.  alternately, have sex all the time, but safely, and for the right reasons and in proper emotional states.  either way, endorphins.  yay.

so yeah.  there's my pep talk.  take it seriously.  don't  wait.  ending up like me would be a terrible fate for anyone.  maybe i still have time to try to learn to be content, but i'll never be able to turn back time and pursue the things i really wanted.  that isn't to say your life is over if you try and ultimately fail.  but at least you will have tried.  at least you'll know that's not your path.  for me, i'll never know.

so there.  go forth and conquer.  come back to me some day years from now and say, "colin, i listened.  i did it, and i got where i wanted to be."  then maybe i'll feel some sense of purpose.  i think all we want is a sense of purpose.  i wish i were blisfully ignorant enough to follow a religion; that's an automatic sense of purpose.  our purpose doesn't even have to be real; as long as we feel it's real.

i'm not like, a freaking grandpa or something, but i know i'm older than a lot of you and i've been through some shit, and i tend to be a pretty good listener and have interesting things to offer, so if any of you (i don't even care if you're a lurker and i don't even know you) ever need someone to talk to, about anything, email me.  maybe it's a selfish gesture on my part because i know it would make me feel better about my supposedly pathetic life to know i helped someone else, but still.  the offer stands.

i love you guys.  you are some really great people and i'm glad i've met you.
 

Comments

Re: incoherence, babbling honesty, tl;dr- except, maybe, if you could read it?

[(Anonymous)]

"i've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not it's possible to have more. i was driving back from the lake house at night with my family and looking out the window, beyond the skyline and i just suddenly felt.... i don't know... suffocated. we all want to make a difference, we all want to have more than everything there is. it's a common goal and is it really achievable? you can travel the world and find happiness and love and success but does it all mean anything? and if it does, what IS the meaning? we're all just trying to live, just people on this toy globe we call the world and there's so many of us..... like white noise and is there a way to stick out of the static? and if we make a difference, we can't save the world... we can only help a limited number of people because god knows this earth is in trouble right now..... how do we get out of it? can we put aside our differences and move on, grow up, stop fighting over land and prices and help each other out? is it possible? there's the whole world, a life, cracked open in halves ahead of me, strewn out in a million pieces like a puzzle on the carpet, disoriented and confused and dizzy, spinning, mirrored, a facade. god, how many lives are there and how many are lost? how many are started? is it worth it? all we can do is find hope, find joy in the simple things because we're so insignificant...... is there a way to NOT be insignificant? is there more, beyond light-pollution skies and snow-frosted forests and friendships and fevered hours and sunsets? or are we all doomed to anonymity, not doomed because then you learn satisfaction and hope, but the clock is spinning backwards and suddenly you're not sure if you're dreaming, because life is blending wonderfully and tragically into one polychromatic, multifaceted blur and how do you absorb it, how do you live life to the fullest? how do you find? how do you explore? do i need to see the world to see myself? i think i know who i am but am i someone? is the reason i struggle with song lyrics because i haven't lived enough to write honesty in a melody? i need to live, not to live but to LIVE, to experience, because it's gone. all i know is breathing and the world just spins faster, there's something out there, right? something? some reason to believe that we're not here just to run our lives like hamsters on wheels, methodical, hypnotic, preplanned? birth, life, death.... endings and beginnings. margaret atwood said "true connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with." of course, she was talking about literature and writing, but then there's life. it exists. WE exist. that's all we can do, isn't it? exist? do i miss things? i want to be different. i want to juggle so many things because there's so much i have left to say. but does what i say matter? i'm just another blank face on a map made of irony... heartbreak and happiness, black and white, blended into gray.
i want more.
does it exist?"

Re: incoherence, babbling honesty, tl;dr- except, maybe, if you could read it?

[(Anonymous)]

i have time to figure it out, but at the same time, i really, really don't.

i'm worried. i stress and i worry and i flip out and at this rate, i'm going to die at age 60. all of this stress isn't good for a human.

you know what makes me more upset? the fact that i haven't had the pain that you've had, that others had that have felt the same as i do. i haven't had a sexual identity crisis. i haven't had the abusive parents. i haven't had the deaths, the divorce, the emotional scarring. so why am i thinking this way? i'm guilty. every day i get more and more frustrated with myself for feeling like this, especially since my life is, well, pretty damn awesome. i'm lucky. and i know i can't disregard my personal pain because you can't discredit pain (no matter the source), but fucking STILL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

will i ever be okay with mediocrity?

can i settle?

can i be fucking content with the fact that, okay, i might get a goddamned B+ on my report card and not get into accelerated med school programs/BAMD programs?

can i be OKAY with every wrong note i play in a concert, with the two freckles on my face, with the cobwebbed, clandestine corners of my mind, with the fact that i wasn't good enough for him, with the sometimes-shitty essays i write, with going to bed instead of studying, with my singing voice, with... with me?

will i ever stop letting other people down? will i ever stop letting myself down?


i don't know.

like you said. i don't want to wait, but holy fuck, i am scared. i am scared of not turning up how i want. i want to be happy but what the hell does that mean? what does happiness entail? i can't. do. it. all.

i can't do THIS anymore.

this studying, this killing myself for grades, this no sleep.

but i know myself better than to think that i'll ever stop.


i just want to listen to music all day. and maybe go to english class. and take pictures. and go road tripping to the desert.

what do i want?

i want to live.

i'm scared.

i want.

i can't.

help.

i need somewhere to begin.

Re: incoherence, babbling honesty, tl;dr- except, maybe, if you could read it?

[(Anonymous)]

hot damn, that was long. sorry.