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behindthecthis is how bored i am tonight: i'm reading my old, unposted harry potter fic. oh god, my LIFE.
i miss harry potter fandom. i was never involved in it socially; HP fandom was so large it intimidated me. but i read a looot, for like a year. i wrote one and posted it on ff.net (this was years ago, okay, don't judge) and had done with it, but i started several other fics, kept them to myself, and then fell into bandom. here's an excerpt from the only one that doesn't make me cringe; my writing has improved immensely since this time, but this fic wasn't too bad. if sirius/regulus squicks you,you suck back off. even though there's nothing overtly slashy here, just brotherly love.
(there was a time the idea of brothercest squicked me too; if you're open-minded, this is the one that converted me, left me boneless and breathless; i never looked at the world the same way.) (eta: no, wait! the first one i EVER read was this, and i think my jaw was on the floor for about an hour afterwards. i felt dirty and thrilled and changed forever. \o/ brothercest!)
“She said you didn’t love me.”
Sirius is so silent Regulus wonders if he even said it aloud; the words have been echoing in his head so loudly for nearly an hour that he can scarcely tell the echoes apart from actual speech.
“...What?”
“She said you’ll leave,” he goes on in a rush, eager to dispel the echoes and let the attic’s rotting wood and dirty, forgotten Black heirlooms suffer the pain of them instead. “And that you could never love me because you’ve betrayed the family and that includes me and that – that you don’t really care about me and you’ll – you’ll leave.”
“Look at me, Reg.”
And because he is still young enough that he hasn’t the strength to deny Sirius anything, Regulus looks.
“Do you believe that horseshit?”
“N-no.” ‘No’ because I can’t, but not because I don’t.
“Then why does it upset you?”
Regulus squirms. Wanting to be closer, wanting to be farther away. Wanting everything, being a teenage boy who has nothing he wants and everything he doesn’t. Still, still so young that he wants everything, but not so young that he doesn’t realise that’s impossible.
And still too young for these questions – or so he wishes.
“I... I’m afraid. I don’t like hearing her tell me my fears are true.”
“But they’re not.”
“Aren’t they?”
Sirius sits up halfway, propped on an elbow, ready for defense, the Beater in him surfacing aggressively, presence strong but stealthy, and always, always alive.
“Now you listen here, brat. I love you. It’s disgusting how much I love you. I helped change your nappies and I taught you how to swim and how to ride a broom and I live for you and I’d die for you, and if anyone tries to tell you I don’t love you, they don’t know what love is, you understand?”
Overcome, Regulus only nods before Sirius pulls him roughly to his chest, dropping them both back to the blanket with Regulus curled against his brother, hands clutching fistfuls of sweater and reducing his monumental fifteen years by a decade.
“I love you too,” he breathes, but not loud enough to be heard, terrified of the tone he suspects accompanies those words whenever he says them to Sirius (not that he ever says them to anyone else).
Sirius hears them anyway.
i miss harry potter fandom. i was never involved in it socially; HP fandom was so large it intimidated me. but i read a looot, for like a year. i wrote one and posted it on ff.net (this was years ago, okay, don't judge) and had done with it, but i started several other fics, kept them to myself, and then fell into bandom. here's an excerpt from the only one that doesn't make me cringe; my writing has improved immensely since this time, but this fic wasn't too bad. if sirius/regulus squicks you,
(there was a time the idea of brothercest squicked me too; if you're open-minded, this is the one that converted me, left me boneless and breathless; i never looked at the world the same way.) (eta: no, wait! the first one i EVER read was this, and i think my jaw was on the floor for about an hour afterwards. i felt dirty and thrilled and changed forever. \o/ brothercest!)
“She said you didn’t love me.”
Sirius is so silent Regulus wonders if he even said it aloud; the words have been echoing in his head so loudly for nearly an hour that he can scarcely tell the echoes apart from actual speech.
“...What?”
“She said you’ll leave,” he goes on in a rush, eager to dispel the echoes and let the attic’s rotting wood and dirty, forgotten Black heirlooms suffer the pain of them instead. “And that you could never love me because you’ve betrayed the family and that includes me and that – that you don’t really care about me and you’ll – you’ll leave.”
“Look at me, Reg.”
And because he is still young enough that he hasn’t the strength to deny Sirius anything, Regulus looks.
“Do you believe that horseshit?”
“N-no.” ‘No’ because I can’t, but not because I don’t.
“Then why does it upset you?”
Regulus squirms. Wanting to be closer, wanting to be farther away. Wanting everything, being a teenage boy who has nothing he wants and everything he doesn’t. Still, still so young that he wants everything, but not so young that he doesn’t realise that’s impossible.
And still too young for these questions – or so he wishes.
“I... I’m afraid. I don’t like hearing her tell me my fears are true.”
“But they’re not.”
“Aren’t they?”
Sirius sits up halfway, propped on an elbow, ready for defense, the Beater in him surfacing aggressively, presence strong but stealthy, and always, always alive.
“Now you listen here, brat. I love you. It’s disgusting how much I love you. I helped change your nappies and I taught you how to swim and how to ride a broom and I live for you and I’d die for you, and if anyone tries to tell you I don’t love you, they don’t know what love is, you understand?”
Overcome, Regulus only nods before Sirius pulls him roughly to his chest, dropping them both back to the blanket with Regulus curled against his brother, hands clutching fistfuls of sweater and reducing his monumental fifteen years by a decade.
“I love you too,” he breathes, but not loud enough to be heard, terrified of the tone he suspects accompanies those words whenever he says them to Sirius (not that he ever says them to anyone else).
Sirius hears them anyway.
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Date: 2009-02-28 12:14 pm (UTC)