falling apart to half time

[behindthec]

in the counter-spirit of thanksgiving...

- to be a boy.
- to go back in time twenty years and start then what i'm ready to start now.
- to write/play/share music.  to have friends near me that i can do this with.  i want it so badly.  i don't need fame, but this, i need.
- pretty boys.  lots and lots of pretty boys in my bed all the time.
- to make films that mean something to me and could mean something to others, maybe.
- NOT to have volunteered for this damn project at the conference last week, fuck me.
- a million lives i can't have, and that don't exist, and i want them all at once. 
- most of all, to learn how to be content with my life as it is.  even, maybe, to be happy with it.

i want these things so hard sometimes i can't breathe at all.  and what is most frustrating is that i know the reason i haven't achieved some of these things is because, as much as i want them, i just don't want them enough.  depression sets in and the whole "it won't happen so i shouldn't try" mindset takes over, and.  there.  i look at brendon, and, you know, music is his religion, seriously, it's EVERYTHING to him, and i admire that so much, and i envy it, because music means so much to me too.  just... apparently, not that much.  and that makes me angry.  my lack of adequate passion makes me angry.  all my passion goes to my anger and frustration.  it's lame.  it's so, so lame and i don't know how to change any of it.

the basic zen principle is that a life free from desire is the key to true and lasting happiness.  i know this.  i've read about this, i've studied it.  why can't i apply it?  why won't it sink in?  i kind of plateaued on it when bandom came around and bit me in the ass and said "hey, give your life to MEEEEEEEEE!" and then my efforts to improve myself were kind of lost.  hence my plan to finish pwf and step back and get right back on that track.  but.  still, now, i'm only going through the motions.  i'm not motivated except by depseration.  and i fear in the end it will always be easier to just hole myself away with my laptop for hours on end and not surface.  because.  real life sucks.  and i am almost twenty-six years old and i do not want to be twenty-six or thirty-five or forty-eight and still spending my weekends reading/writing fic because i can't connect to the world outside me and because i waited too long to pursue the things that mean something to me because i was so sheltered during my childhood and now, NOW i want to make music and just, BE that, when i should've made that decision at age 15 or 12, like ryan ross.  like everyone who Does That.

i'm rambling here and not really saying what i want to say at all; i had a fucking insanely shitty weekend, broke up and then un-broke-up, forgot my car appointment this morning, spent the weekend cryingcryingcrying until my head hurt, etc etc.  i don't even know what i want to say.

but i do know i want to say this, because i care about you guys.  those of you who are 14, 15, 16, whatever, please.  listen to this.  DON'T.  WAIT.  you have a dream?  you have a goal?  you still have time; do it NOW.  start NOW.  please, please don't wait.  the way i feel every single day of my life, i would not wish that feeling on anyone.  don't wait.  pursue it NOW.  take the steps TODAY.  take risks.  i never took risks.  risks are AWESOME.  failing doesn't make YOU a failure.  einstein failed 800+ times before inventing the light bulb.  people kept asking him, "aren't you discouraged?!"  and he was like, wtf, i made progress!  i found 800 things that don't work!

and as much as it pains me to say it, take a lesson from panic and stay away from drugs, even just weed and booze.  look at pictures of them just starting out, alert and bright-eyed and ready, and look at pictures of them now.  the shine in their eyes is gone.  they look like they've been through a cyclone and they're barely old enough to drink.  i love them but it makes me sad.  learn from their mistakes.  there's another good piece of advice.  learn from all the dumbasses around you.  trust me, there are plenty.

i'm also going to say, don't take what i said the wrong way.  zen and its philosophies are incredible and can be life-altering, truly.  you just have to be receptive and in a place where you are ready to accept what it has to offer.  i'm not in that place right now.  i know i will be at some point.  just.  not yet.  but read it, study it, it can do amazing things for you.

and always, always remember that you have power over yourself.  every individual has immense power; most of us just haven't discovered it yet.  if everyone followed my attitude, we wouldn't have electricity, or internet, or cars.  human power is astounding.  use yours for good.

do yoga.  yoga is INCREDIBLE.

remember that for all the things you don't have, there are millions of people in the world who have a million times less.

there will always, always be someone who is better at something than you are.  however, there will always be someone worse, too.  do what you love simply because you love it, not because it might gain you something.

exercise.  all the time.  alternately, have sex all the time, but safely, and for the right reasons and in proper emotional states.  either way, endorphins.  yay.

so yeah.  there's my pep talk.  take it seriously.  don't  wait.  ending up like me would be a terrible fate for anyone.  maybe i still have time to try to learn to be content, but i'll never be able to turn back time and pursue the things i really wanted.  that isn't to say your life is over if you try and ultimately fail.  but at least you will have tried.  at least you'll know that's not your path.  for me, i'll never know.

so there.  go forth and conquer.  come back to me some day years from now and say, "colin, i listened.  i did it, and i got where i wanted to be."  then maybe i'll feel some sense of purpose.  i think all we want is a sense of purpose.  i wish i were blisfully ignorant enough to follow a religion; that's an automatic sense of purpose.  our purpose doesn't even have to be real; as long as we feel it's real.

i'm not like, a freaking grandpa or something, but i know i'm older than a lot of you and i've been through some shit, and i tend to be a pretty good listener and have interesting things to offer, so if any of you (i don't even care if you're a lurker and i don't even know you) ever need someone to talk to, about anything, email me.  maybe it's a selfish gesture on my part because i know it would make me feel better about my supposedly pathetic life to know i helped someone else, but still.  the offer stands.

i love you guys.  you are some really great people and i'm glad i've met you.
 

Comments

[iamiamamachine.livejournal.com]

you and i are so much alike.

(i already feel like there's stuff i can't do anymore. stuff i should've picked up on earlier. i want to be able to play an instrument, any instrument, but right now i just don't have the time nor willpower nor discipline nor anything to do it. if i ever get children i'm going to put them on a shitload of courses etc.)

[bunniesontoast.livejournal.com]

if you do; don't let them play cello. being a kid who plays the cello sucks. the guy who did the pachelbel rant was telling the truth.
however...it is a beautiful instrument.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i know. i get it.

start playing music because you love it. even if you don't have the discipline to do it professionally, music is amazing. i'm trying to tell myself this every day.

but you, YOU, are still young. you have time. <3

[bunniesontoast.livejournal.com]

Colin.
Thank you.

One question though; judging by that one non-slash thing you read of mine...do you hinestly think that I could write for the rest of my life?
because I need to do it.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3

yeah, i do. you're freaking fourteen. you have so much time to perfect and polish and improve, and you're already off to a great start. you can do it. don't let anyone tell you you can't. read, all the time, read things by amazing writers. it helps me, at least.

[minus-four.livejournal.com]

If it helps, for whatever reason reading this made me feel less shitty and less like wallowing like I was pretty much doing before. So... there's that.

And you know you've helped me. Or I hope you know. All the listening and the lack of abandoning even if I fuck up or whatever, it means a lot. If I tried to put it into words I'd only fail, so I leave you with this <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3 i'm glad. i feel better just writing it and reading these comments.

i am glad, bb. i no abandon. ily. :)

[closetfanatic.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna email you.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

:)

[ginsatonic.livejournal.com]

You really shouldn't beat yourself up for things you haven't done (yet) that you want to do. People do things at different times of their lives. They achieve things at different stages; maybe there is a reason why success eludes them until later in life? Someone might write a great novel/song at 20, but then there are people that don't do it till they are much older.
I really believe it's never too late to follow your dreams. If I believed that I would have given up on everything years ago.
I'm setting myself goals now that are do-able, if I'd set those goals a few years, even a year ago, I would have failed and then felt even worse about myself. Sometimes you just have to wait until the time is right for you, the individual, to do that something. There are times when what we want has to be put to one side, so we can be there for others, maybe to build on a relationship or to take care of someone. Priorities change throughout life, they have to, but it doesn't mean you have to forget your dreams.
I agree with so much of what you're saying, but then you talk as if your life is over. You're 25! You have so much time to do whatever you want. You can still play music, you can still write. Maybe the experiences you've had over the last 10 years is what will make your 'whatever' great. Maybe you weren't ready before, maybe you still aren't? Grasp your dreams, bb, they're yours, don't give up on them :) You can still conquer, you just have to find that power and strength inside you and believe in yourself. I do.
I thought a lot about what you've said and I questioned whether I felt this way because I'm even older than you, but I know I'm not making excuses or hiding from my life outside the window, you know how lj helped me through a terrible time, I've made some wonderful friends, some I hope I've been able to help and some that have helped me; I don't think spending a few hours writing a silly fic for someone to cheer them up or to make them laugh or think or connect is a waste of my time. If I was spending all day on here then that would be different, surely it's all about balance? You can be content but still want to achieve things, it's like being secure in the knowledge that you have a roof over your head, but wanting to change the decor.

I hope at least a bit of that makes sense, you know my tendency to ramble...
You know where I am if you want to chat ;)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

you're right, about doing things at different times and such. my problem is i am addicted to comparing myself to others. i see all these 19-year-old kids with recording contracts and i think, um, that should be me, and since it's not, i've failed. and i know logically how ridiculous that is, but i can't seem to shake it.

everything you say makes sense. i know. it's a matter of believing it, for myself. and applying it. and having the *will* to apply it. and i'm just not quite at that point yet. and that's what freaks me out the most, b/c i feel like i'm getting older *so fast*. and i know i seem young to you b/c you're older, but to me, everyone i see, the people i talk to on here (most of them), the band boys i look "up" to, they're all way younger. and they've done so much more. and again, the comparison thing. i need to work on that. i know no happiness can come from comparing yourself/your life to others.

easier said than done, etc.

ty. <3

[saykendrawithme.livejournal.com]

i know you've still got some years on me, but i am beginning to get too familiar with the feeling of life passing me by. i know you don't read my entries, but basically the jist of it is i'm terried. i'm scared as shit but i'm going to go back to school for photography, and then i'm honest to god going to try to get down to California to start a band. because that is what i want. i don't want fame, fuck, i'll probably hate going onstage. i want to live out of a van, making music, crammed in there with my friends.

you still have time. hell, come with me. you say you don't want it enough and that's been my problem too. now i'm not letting failure be an option (lol cliche). and if i can do it, so can you. ♥

idk i just rambled on about myself, but my point is: you can do what you want to do. there's still time.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i'm really going to start reading your blog. i feel bad that i haven't. i get so caught up in stuff that by the end of the day i never get a chance to read the blogs i want. ugh. i am really going to.

dude, that is awesome. you need to do that. i'm so happy you're just, like, DOING it. because you WANT it. i'm happy. and, hell, i wish i could go with you. but california is far and i have a job and a girl and i kind of can't leave that. but yeah. i wish i could.

[justranda.livejournal.com]

Brb. Moving to Atlanta to start a band.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

:D god, i wish. do it.

becca writes this amazing poetry and i'm going to start putting it to music. and she has an incredible voice and i'm going to learn covers on the piano and she's going to record them. and that, that's something. just the idea is making me smile.

[apples-kiwi.livejournal.com]

pretty boys. lots and lots of pretty boys in my bed all the time
Sharing is caring? :]
I do yoga!
I might take that offer to talk to you sometime, you seriously are one of the coolest people I've met on here. You make my life go YAY! <3
I'm glad there is a lj, cause we probably wouldn't have talked otherwise.
YOU. ARE. AWESOME!
<3

[bunniesontoast.livejournal.com]

...your icon makes me a happy girl.

[thanku4thvenom.livejournal.com]

Tytyty. Exactly what i needed rn. And trust me, i'm at one of those life altering nerve-wracking possibly disasterous life choice moments.

I need to choose my GCSEs. Before february. HALP. And it doesn't help that i've got 22,200 teachers telling me i should take their subject.

ASpeaking of music, if i take a music GCSE i lose two of my best options. *cries* And i like music! I wanna sing.
But this comment is becoming very negative. Bb, take your time with pwf. Just keep posting bits. We may just survive.

Good day to you, sir! (disney soundtracks to funny things to me.) :)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i'm so, so glad.

i... don't know what a GCSE is?

honey. if you love music, do it. always have a back-up, but try to determine what you're going to regret more. worst cliche ever, but listen to your heart. (ewwwwww i just SAID that, god. lol.) don't let teachers or parents tell you what to do. you're not a baby. you know what you want by now. if it turns out it wasn't the right choice, at least you learned that by making your own decisions and mistakes. i wouldn't trade my mistakes for anything. they sucked at the time, but i learned so much from them that i never would've learned otherwise.

DISNEY. <3

[fixme-in-45.livejournal.com]

wow. i guess you never know how much you really need to hear something until you stumble upon it out of the blue.

I'm eighteen, just turned that as of last week.
I used to play music. I just to play it well.
I gave it up at the start of highschool for the popularity, being a band geek was not cool not when you wore braces and were the type of kid people trod on rather than spoke to.
Giving up music was perhaps the most incredibly stupid thing i've ever done so far in life.
I promised myself nearly a year ago i was going to teach myself to play guitar. I was going to save and i was going to play.
Now and only now will i do that, because you've struck a nerve to the point at which i totally choked up reading what you wrote.

I know the feeling so well of being past it.. i've just chosen my major at university(college), it's not something i want to do, it's just something i'm okay at, and yes i feel like i'm just going to be another face in the crowd. It feels like everything is planned out for me now and i don't want any of it.I don't want to be another number, another nobody. It scares the shit out of me.

I gave everything up that made me happy over the past five years due to depression and life just generally spiralling out of control, you know how the story goes. I know i need to make a break, take a risk. But i lack the gall to do so. I hate myself for it. Then it's a viscious circle.

The next three years for me are set in stone, or so it feels. But after that it's all going to change. I'll get my degree and i'm going to leave the country (i live in the UK). I'm going to count this as my second chance and i'm going to make a new life for myself. I refuse to live my life the way other people want or expect me to. I need to be happy with myself and for that i need a clean break.

Thanks for posting this colin, it really has opened my eyes up that bit more. Safe to say a few of us needed it.

I admire you, if that helps any. I really do. You may see it as for the wrong reasons but it takes a lot for someone to sit down and highlight everything they want to fix about their life.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

thank you. this, right here, what you said, makes it worth it for me.

do it. learn guitar, play music again. fuck everyone else. i'm starting to realize that being, as you said, just "another face in the crowd" is maybe the most terrifying thing to ALL of us. and like, what do you do with that? because look at us here. look at the comments. we all want to be something big, to take our passions and our talents and escape being a face in the crowd; become the face that the crowd is looking at. but realistically, not all of us will accomplish that. how do we come to terms with that? how do we take our passions and use them and love them and enjoy them, even if they don't turn into something huge, and still accept that? that is my biggest struggle right now, i think.

university is good, for pretty much anyone. i didn't want to go, and for a couple years i didn't. i waited till i was ready, and i'm glad. you will learn things you don't plan to learn, and most of it will not be in books. it will be valuable no matter what course your life takes. and then when it's over, you're right, you get to decide your path. don't just take advantage of opportunities that come; create opportunities. you sound really determined and i'm sure you can do it. good for you. i'm happy.

<3 thank you.

[monamour-x.livejournal.com]

so, basically...idk. that was totally weird, because this was kind of definitely everything that was on my mind this weekend. or needed to be on my mind this weekend. or something. idk maybe i just needed someone to say that stuff to me....

this weekend i had this decision thrown at me and i really...fuck, i don't know what to do. it is literally a life-changing decision and i'm stressing over it and i can't...i don't know how to even comprehend it, let alone figure out what i'm going to do about it. i still haven't reacted properly. i went mute for about a day and a half. my eyes keep burning because i'm holding back tears every time i think about it (which is all the time).

and you're saying all of these things about starting NOW. do what you want NOW. and i...i don't know. the thing about me is i'm very...self concious person. i always compare myself to others and i always bring myself down, which is why i'm having so much trouble with decided WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. its not good, but i don't know...its me. and i never ask for help, because it makes me feel..idk, weak or something?...and so i'm always sitting here dealing with this shit that is way too much for me, but i don't tell anyone because...well, idk y.

idk. i'm rambling. but basically ily. this kind of made me feel a lot better and i needed it. i still need it. your amazing, honestly. like. really. idk. just <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

oh, bb. i'm the same way. i'm self-conscious and all i ever do is compare myself to others. it's the key to unhappiness, no lie. i really don't know how to stop doing that. i wish i could offer better advice, but as you can see, i'm struggling with the same thing. i guess all i can say is, if you take a risk and fail, a), you can always try again, and b) you'll know you tried, and that is Something. but if you don't take the risk, you will always wonder what could've happened if you did.

and just think of how much you don't want to end up like me. maybe that will motivate you. :)

idk. email me if you need to talk about it. <3

incoherence, babbling honesty, tl;dr- except, maybe, if you could read it?

[(Anonymous)]

hai.

awkward anon here.

there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say, but i'm not sure how to say it (and also, i have three tests tomorrow that i'm quite worried about, and i really should go study for them, god, what am i doing right now).... anyway.

i don't know your email so i can't email you. therefore, i'm going to have to write my comment here.

i'm sixteen, a girl, straight, thin/pretty (or so i've been told), a bandom slash reader (unexpected much?), a musician (cello for nine years, piano for 13, and i'm trying to get confidence with my voice- i sing only when the house is empty), an ex-cutter (well, not cutting, exactly- i was too afraid of the snowball-effect if i used knives, so i used sharp dental tools. that period of my life didn't last that long, but i'm always sort of teetering on the precipice of going back to the dark place- i pick my cuticles until they're a raw, bloody mess, and my arms are covered in scars from where i pick the keratosis pilaris), someone who thinks too much, a writer, a photographer, a complete and utter perfectionist, a private school braniac, a music freak, etc....

and i hate myself.

(emo, i'm aware).

it was completely and utterly difficult for me to type out that above description, because i was almost unable to say that i'm a "photographer," "musician," "writer" (and just so you know, i'm not at my most eloquent at the moment- usually i'm a little more better at this whole forming sentences thing.... jesus fuck). i don't have the confidence to make those statements about myself. i think i'm horrible at everything, in spite of the multitude of evidence that says the opposite (and again... saying something like that really pains me). and i don't just go around in this state of self-loathing just so people can tell me that i AM worth it, that i AM a good person, that i AM talented. nope- it's because i honestly, truly believe that i'm awful. at everything.

i want to be a surgeon when i grow up.

or at least i think i do.

part of me wants to go to college, form a band, write music, drop out, tour, and then go back to med school. another part of me wants to skip the band part and just be in a string quartet my whole life (on the side from the doctor career). a whole other part of me wants to be an english teacher (i have this really, really amazing teacher who has completely inspired me to do things with writing). i just know that i need to live the music life AND the doctor life AND the writing. if i somehow scrape up the competence to do all of the above.

i'm afraid.

people tell me that i can do whatever i want in life, but that sort of opportunity isn't a freedom. it's a burden. it's fucking terrifying. because who's more ill-suited for the gift of possibility than the one person who doesn't really know what she wants?

i thought i wanted to be a surgeon, but the music thing is SUCH a big part of my life. i breathe music. i think in lyrics. i walk in rhythm. i speak in melody. i'm in four orchestras and a string quartet and i've basically bought out the entire itunes music store.

can i have both?

can i kill myself to get through the stress of med school and then cut people's brains open and save lives?

can i finally, finally figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings into words, into songs that could mean something to somebody? because that's all we want, really, is to mean something. to others, yes, but mostly to ourselves. does that make sense? in my strange, procrastinating brain, it does.

how can you find more?

like that thing that i wrote last summer:

Re: incoherence, babbling honesty, tl;dr- except, maybe, if you could read it?

[(Anonymous)]

"i've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not it's possible to have more. i was driving back from the lake house at night with my family and looking out the window, beyond the skyline and i just suddenly felt.... i don't know... suffocated. we all want to make a difference, we all want to have more than everything there is. it's a common goal and is it really achievable? you can travel the world and find happiness and love and success but does it all mean anything? and if it does, what IS the meaning? we're all just trying to live, just people on this toy globe we call the world and there's so many of us..... like white noise and is there a way to stick out of the static? and if we make a difference, we can't save the world... we can only help a limited number of people because god knows this earth is in trouble right now..... how do we get out of it? can we put aside our differences and move on, grow up, stop fighting over land and prices and help each other out? is it possible? there's the whole world, a life, cracked open in halves ahead of me, strewn out in a million pieces like a puzzle on the carpet, disoriented and confused and dizzy, spinning, mirrored, a facade. god, how many lives are there and how many are lost? how many are started? is it worth it? all we can do is find hope, find joy in the simple things because we're so insignificant...... is there a way to NOT be insignificant? is there more, beyond light-pollution skies and snow-frosted forests and friendships and fevered hours and sunsets? or are we all doomed to anonymity, not doomed because then you learn satisfaction and hope, but the clock is spinning backwards and suddenly you're not sure if you're dreaming, because life is blending wonderfully and tragically into one polychromatic, multifaceted blur and how do you absorb it, how do you live life to the fullest? how do you find? how do you explore? do i need to see the world to see myself? i think i know who i am but am i someone? is the reason i struggle with song lyrics because i haven't lived enough to write honesty in a melody? i need to live, not to live but to LIVE, to experience, because it's gone. all i know is breathing and the world just spins faster, there's something out there, right? something? some reason to believe that we're not here just to run our lives like hamsters on wheels, methodical, hypnotic, preplanned? birth, life, death.... endings and beginnings. margaret atwood said "true connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with." of course, she was talking about literature and writing, but then there's life. it exists. WE exist. that's all we can do, isn't it? exist? do i miss things? i want to be different. i want to juggle so many things because there's so much i have left to say. but does what i say matter? i'm just another blank face on a map made of irony... heartbreak and happiness, black and white, blended into gray.
i want more.
does it exist?"

[bunniesontoast.livejournal.com]

Colin.

I think it's safe to say that everyone here loves you, bb.

:D

Kate Bush's music is insane [[and also kind of amazing]]

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3333

[piper47.livejournal.com]

I just want to take you with me everywhere I go because I think we would be awesome friends IRL as online. And I really want to play music with you. You can play I'll relearn to sing and maybe play the tambourine.

I day dream a lot and in one of my day dreams I got to form a band and got signed to DD and you were definitely in my band. I didn't recognize the other people in the band as being people I knew, but you were there, and we were always defending our previous fannish life to interviewers and other bands because they all thought we were weird.

ily bb.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

:D that would be epic. i wish you could take me everywhere.

dude i so want to be in your band. AND I WOULD TOTALLY BE DEFENDING OUR FANGIRLINESS TO INTERVIEWERS. HOW DO YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. OMG. <3333333 :D

brendon would love us though, b/c he secretly reads fic. XD

ily.

[hug-a-hippo.livejournal.com]

I seriously was having the worst couple of days when I found this. Just doing the same as you were basically: crying until I wanted to puke.
This advice really helped me, like a lot.
I have three major tests tomorrow (high school honors classes: whoo?) and now I'm just going to stop stressing about it so much and just try my best! If I totally bomb the tests, that's 797 less times I have to fail before...I make a lightbulb? hahaha

I will take all of this to heart. In the midst of all of the constant advice thrown at me freshman year, this has to be the most valuable to me. Thanks so much :)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

awwww, bb. i'm glad this helped. good luck on your tests! tests are just... fuck... so small in the grand scheme of things. don't freak. you'll be fine.

you're welcome. *HUGS* :)

(your icon is so gorgeous, omg.)

[laniaaa.livejournal.com]

you have my sympathy, and you also have--
"dude, what the fuck? twenty six? you've got plenty of time, get out there and just fucking DO it. you can only ever try. if you fail, then fuck yeah, mope about it, but if you don't. then it was worth it." - so yeah, i get that like, a fucking lot from my friend who've known for four years now, and she's pretty fucking hardcore >.< (except she substitutes 'dude' for bitch and 'twenty six' to 'seventeen' and shit. so hmmmm. you didn't need that, but now i know the feeling she gets when she tell me to go ahead and try something XD

so like. i had a shitty weekend too. def not as bad as yours. minutely, really. but that feeling's still there.

yoga = awesome.(;
drugs = bad. ---not a nice experience THERE tbh.
writing fic in weekends? - we love you for it, and you have a shitload of talent there, too(:

oh, and pretty boys in bed? WANTING.

xx

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ahahah. yeah. 17 is still young to me. ;) and i'm not 26 YET, hey! i have a whole month yet! :P

thank you. <3 i'm glad the fic makes you guys happy. that makes it worth it.

[gigasbolt.livejournal.com]

I'll help you with the movie part, if it's indie and you want to do it. Otherwise, I'll help with scripting and story and whatever.

Any which way you look at it, I'm here to help you out. I'm your friend. You just need to contact me more often, if you want to get anything out of our friendship. :p

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah, dude. our film(s) would be epic. we really should.

you're sweet. <3 i do want to hang out soon. not this weekend obv, but... soon.

[eruwenfuin.livejournal.com]

You know how they tell you that at 18, when you graduate, the world is at your feet.

The world is at my feet. I have so many ideas, ranging from starting my own yarn shop, becoming a photographer, becoming a tour manager/amateur pianist;guitarist;violin player;bassist to becoming a novelist.(I am trying to write something right now, all I have is the blogged version of it) I want it all and maybe I will have it all, and maybe I won't have any of them.

Way to go corny-ness: But the world isn't just at my feet, it's also at your feet, will always be there. I won't deny that it likes to kick you in the shins and bite your ankles a lot, but in the end, it's yours to do with as you will.

And I'd (like to) fangirl you like mad, be it movies or music. 26 is not old to get into the music business. 26 is actually a good age to get into it, because you just know more and are also less impresionable. A little shiney eyed teenager keeps great hosts of fans, but do they keep themselves? A lot of them never make it to 26, because they were too young, far too young to enter such a rough arena.

Colin, I will go forth and conquer ;). (this is starting to sound like cult verse and I seriously need to stfu now ;))

[lolab.livejournal.com]

But the world isn't just at my feet, it's also at your feet, will always be there. I won't deny that it likes to kick you in the shins and bite your ankles a lot, but in the end, it's yours to do with as you will.

thank you. i needed to hear that. and what you said about music makes so much sense. i mean, it doesn't change how i feel, but it gives me things to think about. so thank you.

good for you. do it. <3

[callie-the-bear.livejournal.com]

you make me feel less alone. just reading this has made me face up to so many things i didn't want to even begin to face.
i wont go into the details of why because they are infinetly depressing/horrible, but i'm basically an agraphobe nowadays. im 22 years old and i have let my life slide into a sort of pit of duvet covers and dvd boxsets. i think it was the part where you said "real life sucks," that just made me think that i havent had a real life for a very long time because i just stopped being able to live one.
And what you said about making music WITH people, i so want to have friends to do that with but i am so afraid of any sort of emotional contact with anyone because of one thing that happened years ago that now defines me, so now i just sit in my house by myself surrounded by guitars and instruments and recording stuff, but having noone to use any of it with.
I have babbled at you long enough, and i never even comment which is always really indecent of me really, but you do leave me with sort of awe filled silences that i cant even begin to put into words in a commenty form.
But seriously, thank you for your inspiration.
And thank you for pwf , without which i would probably be in a much worse state than at current.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i have many times been close to getting on the path you seem to be on. i really do hope this inspires you in some way... i wish i could offer more but i'm kind of a mess as well. if you ever need to talk more in-depth, feel free to email me. <3

i'm glad you like pwf. :) if it makes people smile, it's all worth it.

[hippiemoose.livejournal.com]

If my plans work out, whether in photography, writing, or music, if I get enough money, there are two people I will give money to have sex changes for.
My friend Meredith, and you.
I promise.
You have my word.
I will go forth and conquer.
And you're #2 on my list, Colin.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

you are so incredibly sweet. ily. and thank you.

your confidence and determination is inspiring. it makes me happy. i know you'll make it.

[browneyesgalore.livejournal.com]

that, that is what they should be pepping us up for in school. Because honestly, I agree with you completely. Do what you want in life, what you NEED to make yourself happy and fuffilled. If all you need is someone to love then so be it. If all you need is a lucrative job , then yay (give me some money?) But I think that you are an awesome person who has a ton of great gifts. You have an GASKLDKDFDF ability to write and are comfy in your own skin and seuality, which challenges A LOT OF PEOPLE. you also have a person who loves you a lot. In fact, you have legions of fangirls who adore you :). so know that WE think that you are GREAT and that YOU make MY day.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i agree. it's too bad schools don't give you the stuff you REALLY need to hear. although i think it's an advantage that i am sort of a "peer" to a lot of people on here, and yet just older enough to be taken seriously, that people here are more willing to hear what i have to say than if it were being said by some stuffy old professor. so that's good, i guess.

you are very sweet; thank you. :) i do love writing; i just need to figure out what i want to do with it. maybe all i'll ever want to write is fic, and if so, then i need to learn to be okay with that, and not crave recognition or fame from my work.

but i'm glad this helped, so thank you! <3

[miarae.livejournal.com]

Kay, I stumbled upon this at the chapter of your fic, and I wasn't sure whether I should read it or not, but I'm glad I did. The things you say, they hit so close to home sometimes that I'm just sitting here, staring at the screen, not knowing what to say. It's things that sound empty over the internet, hugs, and things that say I know what you mean, and yet I don't know if I do. I know about depression, about giving up and in instead of continuing. I also know that there are so many people out there who feel like they've given up but are giving so much to others. It's not selfish to want to help people, I've often felt if I just help one person, all the shit I've gone through is worth it.

Also. "there will always, always be someone who is better at something than you are. however, there will always be someone worse, too. do what you love simply because you love it, not because it might gain you something." Those are about the truest words I've ever read, and I'm thinking I should really do something with that. Lately I've given up writing because there are so many people out there who write greater things than I do {and sometimes I feel jealous and it makes my heart hurt to read stories like yours} but this just might push me back into doing it. Into doing what I love. And just. Thank you.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

oh, i'm so glad you found this helpful! it seemed to resonate with a lot of people, so that certainly made me feel better. <3 thanks for sharing.