behindthec: (bden kinks)
[personal profile] behindthec
Title: This Exercise of Self-Abuse [Day 1 of Not The Sin (or, Brendon's 12 Days of Kinks)]
Author: [livejournal.com profile] lolab 
Rating: R
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Kink du Jour: Slight bloodplay. Mostly embarrassed!Ryan.
Word Count: ~1,270
Disclaimer: Fiction as far as I know.
Summary: Ryan's head drops a little further, but he remains still. "Don't tell anyone."
Notes: Vignette 1 of 12; Bden's ~Sekrit Kink Series based on email/IM/comment requests from this fic (now #7 in the series). One a day through Christmas: here is my holiday gift to my friendslist. ;)

Please visit the master post for a list of all 12 vignettes. You can read them independently, but they are connected, so it's much better to read them in order.





This was no accident; it was a therapeutic chain of events.

The first time Ryan's lyrics get stuck in Brendon's head, the irony of it is lost on him; will be for years.

It's strange how relentlessly his brain functions on music before anything else: when he pushes open the door to Ryan's bedroom, it's not the sight that hits him first, it's the lyric. And it doesn't make sense, yet, so maybe he's psychic, or maybe he's just desperate to believe that nothing this bad (good) could possibly be an accident.

The sight catches up with him too late, once his body's already responded, his breath hitching, too audible for him to slip out of the room now. In that tiny sliver of space between the moment his eyes connect to his brain and the moment Ryan sees him, a thousand things happen.

It hasn't been that long since So, you want to join?, and he can't be blamed that he hasn't seen his brand-new bandmates naked yet; that's what cramped tour buses are for, later. It's not like he hasn't thought about it; he's sixteen, evidently less than heterosexual, and, you know, Ryan, Ryan, and. Jesus. For him, that's usually explanation enough.

He wishes it were enough now.

Ryan's naked, jeans and boxers shoved down to his knees as he perches on the edge of the bed, legs just slightly spread, held back by the confines of his jeans. One hand's clenched tight in the sheet, twisting it violently in his fist, his knuckles trembling from intensity, sharp and white even in the half-dark of the room. It's his other hand that's commanding the attention, though, gripped around a small, trapezoid-shaped blade as the tip disappears into the pristine flesh of his inner thigh, leaving a thin red trail in its wake -- not deep, just enough to draw out a reaction.

Brendon can't even tell what Ryan's reaction's supposed to be over the blinding fire of his own.

That's not it, though, that's not what makes him feel like he's floating out of his own skin: it's Ryan's cock, hard, hard as fucking anything, gorgeous and full and flushed and rising up toward the taut skin of his abdomen, the muscles in his stomach clenching as his body shakes under the sensations.

But even that is nothing next to Ryan's face.

Once Brendon's eyes actually make it up there, it's one of those defining moments of his existence. He's got no fucking clue what it's defining but it's something, it's some kind of flood of awareness, the recognition of his own desires suddenly clear as motherfucking crystal, their bubble bursting after sixteen years of repression, like everything he never knew he wanted, never knew existed, is suddenly spread out before him.

Ryan's eyes are shut, not squeezed tight but loose and fluttery, head dipping back as the blade drags across his skin, the lines of his neck drawn tight, exposed; hair spilling over his face. His breath is labored, but slow, controlled, bottom lip trapped between his teeth, tongue working over the bruised skin before it's too much effort and his mouth just falls, open and wet and slack, completely relaxed, and it only then occurs to Brendon that he's never seen Ryan at peace, because this, is peace. This is visible peace, shining out of every pore, settling into the tension of Ryan's shoulders and Brendon can actually see the moment when it melts, Ryan's shoulders sinking down on an exhale until his whole body relaxes, until the trembling fades.

Brendon tries to exhale with him, but the breath comes out gracelessly, sharp and loud.

Ryan returns so fast Brendon almost loses his balance. His eyes are open, wider than Brendon's ever seen them; the tension has jumped right back into his frame tenfold, and before he starts shit-flipping and plotting Brendon's murder, there's a moment where their eyes meet and there isn't any movement; they just watch.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ryan splutters, scrabbling to his feet and yanking his clothes up with a tangle of awkward-long fingers trying to force his dick back into his pants, hard-on and all, but his eyes never leave Brendon's. "What are you doing?!" he repeats, and there's so much terror in his voice that the venom is lost in a mess of fear. "Get out! Get the FUCK OUT!"

"I -- "

"Get. Out. Now."

Ryan advances on him and Brendon instinctively backs up, but with the way he's standing, when his back hits the door it shuts behind him, leaving them both closed and alone in the room.

"Get out," he echoes, but his voice is a whisper and his eyes are starting to sparkle, glow. Either he's a vampire or he's about to cry, and either option is pretty terrifying to Brendon.

Brendon swallows. "I -- Spencer -- he -- the door was open so we're all downstairs and he said to come get you but I -- wasn't, didn't -- I'm not -- "

"Shut. Up."

"Sorry, I'm sorry, Ryan, I'm sorry."

Brendon can see the little well of tears start piling in Ryan's eyes, and Ryan doesn't miss it; he steps back and turns away, facing the bed, tension still gripping him but his frame is hunched now, collapsed upon itself. Brendon knew from the moment they met that humiliation isn't a good look for Ryan, and that he'll avoid it at any, every, all costs and then some.

"Ryan, I'm sorry." The words are meaningless but he means them, so hard.

Ryan's head drops a little further, but he remains still. "Don't tell anyone."

"I -- no. No, I -- no, fuck, I -- "

"Please."

"I... I won't."

"Tell them I'll be down soon."

Brendon nods, too fucked up to realize Ryan can't see him, and slips out the door, careful to turn the knob so it shuts silently without clicking.

He delivers Ryan's message and disappears into the downstairs bathroom.

He jerks off leaning against the wall, his head pressed to the baby-blue paint beside a faux-gold framed print of a sailboat. He bites his shoulder to keep quiet and comes so hard he has to use his other hand to catch it all before it drips to the flattened, faded yellow rug below the sink.

 

+++



That night, when he's pretty sure he can't keep lying to himself, he starts the list.

It's unremarkable; fitting, he thinks. Less intimidating, easier to hide. Just plain notepaper, off-white college-ruled, with the jagged edge running down the left side where he ripped it from his spiral calculus notebook, hands shaking too hard to tear along the dotted line. It's wrinkled from the force he used to tear it out, and he tries to smooth it out against the soft plush of his bedspread, the nice fluffy one his parents bought him after the week he spent volunteering at the church's summer camp.

That slice of irony, however distant, is not lost.

The pencil's dull but pokes through the paper until he brings the loose sheet to rest on his thigh, firm through the thick layer of jeans.

He doesn't title it, only writes a number "1" and a word. He follows down the paper, 2, 3, 4. After 10 his hand stops shaking.

Once he's finished, he stares down at the text, its thick, messy lines of lead -- daring it to defy him. Holding his breath, he draws a single line through the first item and stuffs the paper under his mattress.

When he lies down, he swears he can feel it beneath him.




[#2 tomorrow.]
 


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(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 01:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehungrymuffin.livejournal.com
uhm. uhm. uhmmmm.....
*uses the icon again*
=D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 01:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ahahah. yay! thank you. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stereotypeloser.livejournal.com
Yes.
That is all.
Possibly real comments at the end of the series, if I'm capable of anything else but saying 'yes'.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 02:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ahahahah. "yes" works for me. :D thanks!

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Date: 2008-12-14 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bunniesontoast.livejournal.com
I CAN HAS COMMENT SPACE NAO PLZ?
actually gonna read now.

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Date: 2008-12-14 02:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] icedgemm.livejournal.com
Eek........12 days of kink,best christmas present ever!

ireallythinkimightloveyou*blushes*

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 02:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D yay! thank you! :D ily2. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noahatthedisco.livejournal.com
O.O

i'm barely even conscious yet, but this is an nice way to wake up!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
hahah yay! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] clichewords-x.livejournal.com
54dt76g9hu8joiprefjaois

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Date: 2008-12-14 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hippiemoose.livejournal.com
oh wow...
Oh fucking wow Colin
I'm pretty much legally blind right now because I'm too lazy to go get my glasses or put my contacts in and this is still good.
God damn it!
I wish I could write like this.
*hugs*
God I can't wait for the rest. I wish I didn't have school. Oh well, I might just read it in the library if I can sign up.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
haahahah i'm totally blind without my glasses too. i'd have to sit like 3 inches from the screen. :P

thank you so much! i hope you can get to the library. #2 is fun. XD

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Date: 2008-12-14 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] justranda.livejournal.com
This is the best thing to read before work. I am so tired and I would give anything to sleep in. Fucking 10 o'clock football games.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
awwwwww! *HUGS AND PORN!* <3

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kbogen.livejournal.com
pleasepleasepleaselplease more. Oh my GOD. Fucking hell. Ryan *wantmoremoremore*

That was amazing. Incredible. Gorgeous and fucking HOT and please tell me there will be more soon, very soon, please?

~Katie
<3 <3 <3

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 05:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D thank you so much! there is more: one a day through christmas. some are ryden; some are brendon and others. but i promise they're all loads of fun. ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mandy-croyance.livejournal.com
I'm not really into blood play but I actually kind of liked it in this fic. I especially liked the way Ryan reacted to being discovered; it felt so realistic. Can't wait to see the rest of this series. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
yay! i wasn't really into it either, then i wrote it. :P ryan would totally be a bitch about being found out. heh.

ty, bb!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] minus-four.livejournal.com
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy kinks!!! \o/

Love this so much, you know I do :)

Godddd, the description of Ryan, so good, and then this part: Ryan returns so fast Brendon almost loses his balance. His eyes are open, wider than Brendon's ever seen them; the tension has jumped right back into his frame tenfold, and before he starts shit-flipping and plotting Brendon's murder, there's a moment where their eyes meet and there isn't any movement; they just watch. I seriously just wanted to take a step back or something lol.

and embarrassed!Ryan

and the liiiiiiist.

and ily <3

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
gah it's a scary image, y? when they just kind of freeze. GUH.

ILY 2. :D ty, bb.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 06:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] monamour-x.livejournal.com
ohmygod...BABY! babybabybabybabyBABY!!!!!!

how are you so fucking talented? how? i just can't get over it. i can't...i can't do it.

so, like. let's try to react properly to this, okay? okay. here i go:

your descriptions. now, see, this is where i really see the filmmaker in you come alive. its the same in pwf...you create these visuals and i can actually vividly see what is going on in my head. that is a rare thing for writers and that brings me back to me first coherent, not baby, comment: how are you so talented? the details! the word choice and the emotion and everything--is beyond incredible, bby. <3

It's his other hand that's commanding the attention, though, gripped around a small, trapezoid-shaped blade as the tip disappears into the pristine flesh of his inner thigh, leaving a thin red trail in its wake -- not deep, just enough to draw out a reaction.
i just loved that. it really stuck out to me, idk. *shrugs* its a perfect example of your descriptions though, fuck.

okay, so now about the kink:

i loved how you started it off, with talking about the irony of the line in camisado. just...loved it. idk. its really fitting, thats for sure. <3

i love how he got PISSED at brendon, first, because that is SO something ryan would do in that situation. but, embarrassed!ryan! eeeep! i just wanted to squish him and make it all go away. he cried. COLIN! you made him CRY. you can't DO that to me!!!! i actually clawed at the screen, because i wanted so badly to crawl in there and hug my bby. :( okay, freaky, i just got this mental image of samara in the ring crawling through the tv and it freaked me out.

oops, sorry, h.o. i gotta go watch my bby brother for a minute.

okay, i don't know why i told you that but whatever, i'm back. where was i? oh yes:

Ryan's head drops a little further, but he remains still. "Don't tell anyone."
RYANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. the end.

of course brendon would come so hard that he had to catch it all before it hit the floor when he was jerking of to thinking about ryan. *nods head* trufax.

HAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS. WIN. THE LIST--IT HAS BEEN MADE!!!! *pounds fist in air*

wow...long comment. but really, when do i ever leave SHORT ones? lol. whatever, you love it. because i am cute. :DDDDD

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ahhh, thank you! ily so. :) the visuals i thought were VERY important in this one (as they are in kink 6, you'll see why). i'm so glad you like. \o/

of COURSE ryan would be pissed! he'd be furious! barging in without knocking... brendon's such an ass. XD ryan, see, is FURIOUSLY protective of his pride. and to have it crushed like this, his dignity stolen, is just horrifying to him. he panics.

no crying!!! pls not to turn into samsara either. XD

RYANNNNN indeed. i love how he got all quiet and gave up at the end. (i say this like someone else wrote it lol, b/c that's hwo it feels like when i write). i felt so bad for him.

brendon's a perv, the end. but i'd totally have done the same thing.

LIST!!!!!!!

you ARE cute. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-bitch-burns.livejournal.com
Oh my god. YES. I was so excited all day waiting to get online to read this. And it was SOOOOOO worth the wait. Jesus. Jesus.

The bit with Brendon jerking off in the bathroom was probably my favourite (lol). But yes. Again, I could see it all happening. Your description of Ryan caught in the act was incredible. Poor embarrassed!Ryro. But a million times YAY for kinky!Bden. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
yay! thank you so much! i'm glad it was worth the wait. :D

brendon jerking off was my favourite too. always is. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:58 pm (UTC)
ext_28210: (Default)
From: [identity profile] tanisafan.livejournal.com
See, the moment I saw the words 'kinks' and 'Brendon', I knew this would be made of epic win. I'm gonna try to comment coherently on every part, but I'm afraid it would all just be UNF. Because this makes me so happy in my pants.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 07:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ahahahahaah. BRENDON AND KINKS GO TOGETHER LIKE BREAD AND BUTTER, Y/Y??

i will accept "unf" happily. ;) tysm, bb.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wtfxslutface.livejournal.com
0.0
XD
XD
XD
I haven't stopped grinning since I saw this on my Flist and totally fangirl!squeed.
You are amazing.
This is amazing.
Ry and Bdon oh be STILL my beating heart
I can't WAIT till tomorrow XD

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D YAY! thank you so much. :D it's almost tomorrow...

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] notyourshot.livejournal.com
this is going to be the best fucking christmas ever. and i don't even celebrate chirtsmas! *flail*

it's just. KINKS! okay, kink is such an awesome word. and brendon is awesome in itself so! nnnnngh.

he even has a motherfucking list, wtf, the kinky bastard. omg. is there porn!video kink? y/y?

this pwns my pants. srsly.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ahahaha. neither do i. hooray for PORN!

kinks really is an awesome word. and brendon is -- oh, HA, you said it. also awesome.

i totally, totally forgot the pornvideo kink. :( i SO should've had that one be with shane, but i'd already written the whole series when i realized OMG NO PORNO WTF. next time maybe. ;)

ty, bb!

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Date: 2008-12-14 09:45 pm (UTC)
ext_83476: (Default)
From: [identity profile] the-randomist.livejournal.com
This totally helped me forget my shitty, shitty yesterday, so thank you. Hot like whoa, as usual. ♥

--
Sent on a phone using T9space.com

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
awww, poor bb. but yay! <3

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Date: 2008-12-14 10:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missxtravesty.livejournal.com
Oh MAN, is this good! I've recently become pretty infatuated with our little Ryan, so I'm pretty excited that such a rad story presented itself to me. <3 I absolutely can not wait for more!

Your description is beatiful, by the way. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D thank you! ryan is kind of fascinating. a bitch and a grandpa and a total drama queen sometimes, but, we love him. ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 10:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aylaranzz.livejournal.com
Ooooh!!! Very very nice!!! I can't wait for the next few days!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D yay! thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tell-jenny.livejournal.com
i'm really excited for this!
good job for the first one, aswell.
i'm not into bloodplay, but this was nice.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-14 11:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
thank you! (ahahahah your icon)

i wasn't really into it either, till i wrote it. XD

GAHhaiDEAD

Date: 2008-12-14 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] browneyesgalore.livejournal.com
So
I just read this, trying desperatly to shield the words like 'jerking off' and 'cock' from my mothers gaze.
Oh, the things I do for your fics Colin :)
Anyways, my favorite visual is of a Ryan at peace. And I can completely see this situation.
CANT WAIT YOU MAGNIFICENT BEING!

Re: GAHhaiDEAD

Date: 2008-12-14 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
AHAHA OMG DUDE. my mom was at my apartment a couple months ago and i was showing her something on my computer, only when i clicked out of my screensaver (and i've got this motherfuckin huge-ass monitor okay), i had apparently left a big old smutfic open on the screen, and of course it was RIGHT at the sex scene. i have no doubt she saw "cock" and plenty more. MORTIFICATION.

anyway.

ryan at peace is a beautiful thing... too bad his emo teenage self needed this to get there. ;) tysm!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-15 12:02 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-15 12:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
ily2. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-15 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noteto--self.livejournal.com
This.. took me completely by surprise. And I maybe liked it. Hi.
I also love how Brendon makes a list~, because, of course. I know I'd make a list of kinks after seeing my friend getting hard over cutting themselves *shifty eyes*

Why isn't it tomorrow yet?

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-15 12:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
:D yay! thank you.

well y'know, brendon is very thorough about things. ;)

gimme about 13 hrs and you'll have #2... #2 is FUN. XD

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Date: 2008-12-15 12:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whisper-loudly.livejournal.com
ahhahhhahhh! kinks! yeshhh! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-12-15 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolab.livejournal.com
\o/ :D
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