just a clock to beat and a hand to choose

[behindthec]

so, all the twittering and the pics... \o/ my faith in panic is marginally restored. but ryan continues to come across as possibly the loneliest boy in the world to me. even in the new rehearsal pics, he just looks. sad. someone write fic to explain it. here's to inspire you:
http://lolab.livejournal.com/95414.html?thread=5095094
(it's also on her blog now, with us plotting spyro fic; go help us out.)

finally read that "big love AU" everyone's been talking about. imo, it was well written and the sex was hot, but i'll always prefer realism. i like reading about the boys as we know them. i can do AUs if they still feel like the boys i know, but this just... didn't. still, an entertaining read.

taraangelx had been answering every single dumbass question i've had about HIV/AIDS. she is a genius. more information that i ever thought i'd need. i'm so lucky i have you guys. you're all like my own personal library. ivesia19 can read hands. the_randomist can find any fic ever; she's like my bandom google. redorchids makes the sweetest fanvids and said she'd teach me (and is writing angsty AU!pccf porn!). moku_youbi is my mormonism expert. jeez; what else do you guys do? ♥ (and on that note, what do i do? i have no skillz. :/)

...so, did you know about 40% of people with AIDS will develop some form of cancer?

*...glances apologetically in brendon's direction*

yeah. you heard me.

look, treatments are advanced nowadays. i can't have him living 10+ years. i can't write all that. SORRY. i planned to give you a chapter 7 teaser to distract you. PRETTY BOYS HAVING DISEASE-FREE SEX! and you can bet they're gonna realize "hey, we're out of condoms and we're clean!" and ditch the latex at some point in this chapter and it's gonna be smoking hot, so there. but, i ended up not writing anything, and rather flailing all day with sophie about panic and aidsfic and the twitters and pics and stuff, so you get my favorite boypic of all time instead. click to enlarge, it's gorgeous.



picture that for chapter 7. it's coming, i promise. i think i might start it tonight. meanwhile, have this bit of aidsfic that's been in my head today (one of dozens; sophie and i came up with loads today): spencer comes home, finds brendon sitting on the floor with beethoven's 9th symphony blasting from the stereo. spencer sits down in front of him and holds his hands, just 'cause holding hands with brendon is better than not holding hands with him. when it finishes, brendon says, "i want this at my funeral," no emotion, just statement. spencer says, "shut the fuck up." brendon says, "no, you shut the fuck up. i'm dying." spencer says, full of misguided venom, "we're all dying." brendon blinks, says, "fine, then make me a list of songs you want at your funeral and i'll pass it on to ryan." spencer gets up and stalks off to his room and slams the door. after awhile he hears a knock, opens the door, and brendon's just standing there. spencer pulls him into a bear hug and doesn't let him go and stains bden's once-fitted-but-now-oversized tshirt with tears.

i kind of hate my brain for these scenes.

you're allowed to contribute too. whatever comes to mind. i'll add everything to my notes.

is it bad that i already have 3 songs for the soundtrack? fml. SERIOUSLY, TONIGHT, CHAPTER 7. you're allowed to whip me if i don't give you a teaser tomorrow.

...SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, HOW CAN I WRITE THIS BOY DYING????



;alskerjpoifapow34ja3wh43pauwfpa FUCK. MY. BRAIN. *slits wrists*

ETA: brendon's twitter isn't helping. he's not following ryan (though ryan's following him). and broadcasting that spence and shane are his "bfff's" (?) almost feels like going out of the way to proclaim that ryan and jon aren't. it's the typical stuff you do when you want to make someone jealous. i'm almost starting to think Something Really Happened; like he's mad at them. there's no smiling in the rehearsal pics, they're all far apart from each other, ryan looks depressed, and i just. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN IT. there is something that is Not Right with this band and i can't fucking figure it out, and i'm sitting here trying to write chapter 7 and now i just can't.

i'm just going to assume ryan and jon seriously are dating and brendon's just jealous and hurt and still in love with ryan and trying to forget. sometimes i have a tin hat too, okay.


here, have a rec of utmost preciousness that will make you forget all about brendon dying. i'm taking tomorrow off, i've earned it, so happy early friday to me and happy thursday to the rest of you. p.s. i'm friendslocking my previous entry in the next couple days 'cause it talks about work and a specific person, so if there's any more comment-stalking you need to do (oh shut up, you all admit you do it :P) and you're not on my flist, do it now. thx. ♥

Comments

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

That piiiiiicture. Right, just had to be said :P

I agree (on Ryan). He does. He really does. But then, there are moments when he really doesn't (granted, they mostly involve Jon), and I'm not sure whether it's just...Ryann. I sort of think very slightly emo is kind of his standard setting. Just a little melancholy. So in rl, that's what I pretty much think it is. Were I *ficcing* it, however, I would say he's feeling lonely and conflicted because he feels like he's not what Brendon and Spence want anymore, like he's not the person who can fit into their whole little team Brendon and Spencer and Shane who make movies and pretend to drink hot sauce and run around town like mad people. His whole life he's been their baby, even though he's older. He's always been wanted, always fit, always draped himself over the lot of them and been held up, and now...? He feels awkward. He feels like they want something else now. And however hard he tries, he's terrified they're only with him now because of the band. He doesn't fit anymore. They've gotten older and happier and *changed*, and he's been left behind, with Jon to look after him because he knows and he feels sorry for him. Ryan feels pathetic. Unneeded. Unwanted. Maybe just a little like his heart's been ripped out through his ribs with a couple of flocks of cawing scavenger birds in the mix just for extra impact. He makes jokes. He tries to be helpful. He plays 'til his fingers ache, and he laughs at the in jokes he wasn't there for, and instead of retreating to his room to write, he hangs on the edges and lets Jon try to cheer him up with video games, and watches them quietly over the controllers, out of the corner of his eye, having fun and existing perfectly well - maybe even better - without him. And he's lonely. Because if his band doesn't need him - if Brendon and Spence are better with Shane than with him - then what else is there? What else does he have?

Of course, this would all eventually culminate in Brendon getting sick of trying so hard to shake Ryan out of his 'thing', of giving him space, of waiting and being patient and he just confronts him, orders the others out of the room or follows Ryan out when he goes to get something, and backs him up against a wall and demands answers, holds him there, won't let him run away. Asks what's wrong with him. Why he's putting on this *thing*. Why he's trying to pull this stupid act with *them*, when he's always, always been himself for them, only them. Asks what they've done. Asks why Ryan isn't happy with them anymore. And Ryan mumbles and angsts, and Brendon is disbelieving and angsts, and there is angst and breakdown-ness, until eventually, Ryan crumples, held up only by Brendon still pressing his shoulders into the wall, and murmurs 'you don't want me anymore. What am I meant to do?' and Brendon just stares for one moment like Ryan's from another planet, then grabs his chin, hard, and presses him *properly* against the wall, and kisses him hard and fierce and like a mad person, and like Brendon, and Ryan still doesn't understand, and he feels like he's falling a million miles, and he's terrified, terrified, but Brendon wants him. Brendon still wants him. Brendon's holding him, and wanting him, and nothing's fake, nothing's a lie, nothing's fading away. Brendon's kissing him, bodies pressed as close as they can go, and for the first time in months, Ryan feels like he knows who he's meant to be. For the first time in months, Ryan feels home.

There :P Not exactly fic, have to get back to sewing, but half-way there ;D ILY, I love your aidsfic, I am going to love pccf 7, and I will be back in a few days time when this costume thing's over XD

[lolab.livejournal.com]

...thank you. that actually helps. i really needed that. you're kind of a miracle. i'm so lucky you're around. heart eyes for you, i has them.

<3 good luck sewing, bb.

*writes 7*

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Glad it helped, bb :) I really do think nothing's wrong with them, but I also think if it were that's what would happen ;D They're adorable and beautiful and ch7 is going to be amazing :D

Thx for the luck, lol, I need it :S

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

*lurking in comments*

J, I've been on the verge of a breakdown all day, and you just like... fixed me.
thank you, <3

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Glad to help, bb :) (((hugs))) <3