just a clock to beat and a hand to choose

[behindthec]

so, all the twittering and the pics... \o/ my faith in panic is marginally restored. but ryan continues to come across as possibly the loneliest boy in the world to me. even in the new rehearsal pics, he just looks. sad. someone write fic to explain it. here's to inspire you:
http://lolab.livejournal.com/95414.html?thread=5095094
(it's also on her blog now, with us plotting spyro fic; go help us out.)

finally read that "big love AU" everyone's been talking about. imo, it was well written and the sex was hot, but i'll always prefer realism. i like reading about the boys as we know them. i can do AUs if they still feel like the boys i know, but this just... didn't. still, an entertaining read.

taraangelx had been answering every single dumbass question i've had about HIV/AIDS. she is a genius. more information that i ever thought i'd need. i'm so lucky i have you guys. you're all like my own personal library. ivesia19 can read hands. the_randomist can find any fic ever; she's like my bandom google. redorchids makes the sweetest fanvids and said she'd teach me (and is writing angsty AU!pccf porn!). moku_youbi is my mormonism expert. jeez; what else do you guys do? ♥ (and on that note, what do i do? i have no skillz. :/)

...so, did you know about 40% of people with AIDS will develop some form of cancer?

*...glances apologetically in brendon's direction*

yeah. you heard me.

look, treatments are advanced nowadays. i can't have him living 10+ years. i can't write all that. SORRY. i planned to give you a chapter 7 teaser to distract you. PRETTY BOYS HAVING DISEASE-FREE SEX! and you can bet they're gonna realize "hey, we're out of condoms and we're clean!" and ditch the latex at some point in this chapter and it's gonna be smoking hot, so there. but, i ended up not writing anything, and rather flailing all day with sophie about panic and aidsfic and the twitters and pics and stuff, so you get my favorite boypic of all time instead. click to enlarge, it's gorgeous.



picture that for chapter 7. it's coming, i promise. i think i might start it tonight. meanwhile, have this bit of aidsfic that's been in my head today (one of dozens; sophie and i came up with loads today): spencer comes home, finds brendon sitting on the floor with beethoven's 9th symphony blasting from the stereo. spencer sits down in front of him and holds his hands, just 'cause holding hands with brendon is better than not holding hands with him. when it finishes, brendon says, "i want this at my funeral," no emotion, just statement. spencer says, "shut the fuck up." brendon says, "no, you shut the fuck up. i'm dying." spencer says, full of misguided venom, "we're all dying." brendon blinks, says, "fine, then make me a list of songs you want at your funeral and i'll pass it on to ryan." spencer gets up and stalks off to his room and slams the door. after awhile he hears a knock, opens the door, and brendon's just standing there. spencer pulls him into a bear hug and doesn't let him go and stains bden's once-fitted-but-now-oversized tshirt with tears.

i kind of hate my brain for these scenes.

you're allowed to contribute too. whatever comes to mind. i'll add everything to my notes.

is it bad that i already have 3 songs for the soundtrack? fml. SERIOUSLY, TONIGHT, CHAPTER 7. you're allowed to whip me if i don't give you a teaser tomorrow.

...SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, HOW CAN I WRITE THIS BOY DYING????



;alskerjpoifapow34ja3wh43pauwfpa FUCK. MY. BRAIN. *slits wrists*

ETA: brendon's twitter isn't helping. he's not following ryan (though ryan's following him). and broadcasting that spence and shane are his "bfff's" (?) almost feels like going out of the way to proclaim that ryan and jon aren't. it's the typical stuff you do when you want to make someone jealous. i'm almost starting to think Something Really Happened; like he's mad at them. there's no smiling in the rehearsal pics, they're all far apart from each other, ryan looks depressed, and i just. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN IT. there is something that is Not Right with this band and i can't fucking figure it out, and i'm sitting here trying to write chapter 7 and now i just can't.

i'm just going to assume ryan and jon seriously are dating and brendon's just jealous and hurt and still in love with ryan and trying to forget. sometimes i have a tin hat too, okay.


here, have a rec of utmost preciousness that will make you forget all about brendon dying. i'm taking tomorrow off, i've earned it, so happy early friday to me and happy thursday to the rest of you. p.s. i'm friendslocking my previous entry in the next couple days 'cause it talks about work and a specific person, so if there's any more comment-stalking you need to do (oh shut up, you all admit you do it :P) and you're not on my flist, do it now. thx. ♥

Comments

[kaytvengeance.livejournal.com]

I'm stupidly glad the boys are all back together, Ryan was starting to worry me. He sometimes strikes me as one of these people that do like being alone but don't actually do very well when they are. But that pic of just Ryan killed me. HIS HAIR!! I do hope he's not going to cut it off again (I theorised about this to a friend after the break-up, because I'm sure on one of Keltie's blogs she mentioned cutting his hair or something, so here's hoping he doesn't get his little boy hair back again).

Also that pic? nnngh. It's amazingly hot, but so so intimate at the same time. I want to demand that that position makes an appearance in pccf with that as a visual aid, mainly because if you sort of cross your eyes , it could almost be Bden and Ryro (yes I'm reaching)

And that fic made me squee so hard. Have you read the steam punk ones by the same author?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah. i do love his hair in that pic... though he didn't look very happy. :/

i knowwwww, it's so beautiful and intimate and sweet; it's sexy, but there's nothing dirty about it. it's just gorgeous.

idk about the steam punk ones... that doesn't ring a bell...?

[notyourshot.livejournal.com]

oh god, if when you write aidsfic, im gonna blast cat power's album You Are Free and sob my lungs out.

i might throw Solomone Burke's 'None Of Us Are Free' in there, too, for good measure.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

*clings*

[melody-so-sweet.livejournal.com]

it's coming, i promise.
*snort* XD

As much as I am going to sob for this story, I'm really looking forward to it. I've also got a bunch of songs I want at my funeral... as well as a will written out in my notebook. *shrug*

Enjoy your day off! <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

heeee.

aw, thank you. yeah, i want folkin' around and welcome to the black parade at mine. that's been decided for ages. other than that, idk.

<3!

[bunniesontoast.livejournal.com]

i've killed bden before, which then led to the death of ryan and the breaking down of jon and spencer. but you seem to be killing him in all the most depressing ways xD

also, BOYS. guh. want.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

we are bad, bad people.

BOYS INDEED. could be bb!bryce and someone, if we pretend? ;)

[jamie-dear.livejournal.com]

Oh, that picture is just beautiful! \o/
Aidfics make me cry so hard, oh jesus.
I can't wait to read it though!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

isn't it??

i'm glad... i'm both dreading and looking forward to writing it. :) thanks.

[taraangelx.livejournal.com]

Again, I am happy to help! :) Send any and all questions, if I can answer I will.

Seriously though, I am going to wail. Wail and Cry and Bawl! This fic is going to be so so sad... I should make sure to be having really good weeks when you post this.

Also, YAY Ryan not being (completely) alone! And. I . Want. Album! *grabby hands*

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3 thank you. i had one earlier but i forgot it. lol. oh yeah, how often do ppl go to the doctor if they just have HIV, like for routine stuff if they don't really have any illness or symptoms yet?

i am too. it's awful and depressing and AWFUL.

want album too, and happy!panic. gah.

[panicmydear.livejournal.com]

I can't wait for the AIDs fic honestly. I know it's going to be really good... just really really really sad. I can handle that. I can be strong. I think.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

aww, thank you. i hope i'll be able to be strong. :/

[faerie-lullaby.livejournal.com]

That boypic reminds me of one of Ryan's twitters where he said something about bringing back bleached hair and puka shells. It scared me for a minute. Love this pic. I saved it to my own pictures.

aidsfic will make me bawl like a baby.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

HA. YES. i want that pic to be brendon and ryan, so bad. guh.

me too. :/

[i-am-tre.livejournal.com]

Man, even your small scenes are getting me all teary eyed. I think this next one may just make me cry a whole lot more than pwf. And I cried a lot in that.
You write so damn well its unbelievable.

I kinda can't wait until you get to writing this one, I really can't.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i knowwwww, me too. :( pwf didn't make me cry at all, not literally, but this fic already has. ugh.

<3!

[thewayudoitt.livejournal.com]

way to break my heart with that picture of bren. :/

i don't have that many ideas at this exact moment. i shall share if i do.
gorgeous boypic. wow. <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah. :/

the boypic makes everything better! <3

[payingnavietyoh.livejournal.com]

but ryan continues to come across as possibly the loneliest boy in the world to me. even in the new rehearsal pics, he just looks. sad. someone write fic to explain it.
i'll send you my bbb story when it's done then. it's as real as real gets. ryan's twitter/blog updates were too hard to ignore.

if you kill the smiling, cute, bubble assed boy we all know and love then...then i will cry and never stop crying.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

thank you. i really need someone to explain the current state of panic to me (see the "ETA" i just added to this entry).

i'm working on chapter 7 though, finally. and it's...sort of flowing. somehow.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

That piiiiiicture. Right, just had to be said :P

I agree (on Ryan). He does. He really does. But then, there are moments when he really doesn't (granted, they mostly involve Jon), and I'm not sure whether it's just...Ryann. I sort of think very slightly emo is kind of his standard setting. Just a little melancholy. So in rl, that's what I pretty much think it is. Were I *ficcing* it, however, I would say he's feeling lonely and conflicted because he feels like he's not what Brendon and Spence want anymore, like he's not the person who can fit into their whole little team Brendon and Spencer and Shane who make movies and pretend to drink hot sauce and run around town like mad people. His whole life he's been their baby, even though he's older. He's always been wanted, always fit, always draped himself over the lot of them and been held up, and now...? He feels awkward. He feels like they want something else now. And however hard he tries, he's terrified they're only with him now because of the band. He doesn't fit anymore. They've gotten older and happier and *changed*, and he's been left behind, with Jon to look after him because he knows and he feels sorry for him. Ryan feels pathetic. Unneeded. Unwanted. Maybe just a little like his heart's been ripped out through his ribs with a couple of flocks of cawing scavenger birds in the mix just for extra impact. He makes jokes. He tries to be helpful. He plays 'til his fingers ache, and he laughs at the in jokes he wasn't there for, and instead of retreating to his room to write, he hangs on the edges and lets Jon try to cheer him up with video games, and watches them quietly over the controllers, out of the corner of his eye, having fun and existing perfectly well - maybe even better - without him. And he's lonely. Because if his band doesn't need him - if Brendon and Spence are better with Shane than with him - then what else is there? What else does he have?

Of course, this would all eventually culminate in Brendon getting sick of trying so hard to shake Ryan out of his 'thing', of giving him space, of waiting and being patient and he just confronts him, orders the others out of the room or follows Ryan out when he goes to get something, and backs him up against a wall and demands answers, holds him there, won't let him run away. Asks what's wrong with him. Why he's putting on this *thing*. Why he's trying to pull this stupid act with *them*, when he's always, always been himself for them, only them. Asks what they've done. Asks why Ryan isn't happy with them anymore. And Ryan mumbles and angsts, and Brendon is disbelieving and angsts, and there is angst and breakdown-ness, until eventually, Ryan crumples, held up only by Brendon still pressing his shoulders into the wall, and murmurs 'you don't want me anymore. What am I meant to do?' and Brendon just stares for one moment like Ryan's from another planet, then grabs his chin, hard, and presses him *properly* against the wall, and kisses him hard and fierce and like a mad person, and like Brendon, and Ryan still doesn't understand, and he feels like he's falling a million miles, and he's terrified, terrified, but Brendon wants him. Brendon still wants him. Brendon's holding him, and wanting him, and nothing's fake, nothing's a lie, nothing's fading away. Brendon's kissing him, bodies pressed as close as they can go, and for the first time in months, Ryan feels like he knows who he's meant to be. For the first time in months, Ryan feels home.

There :P Not exactly fic, have to get back to sewing, but half-way there ;D ILY, I love your aidsfic, I am going to love pccf 7, and I will be back in a few days time when this costume thing's over XD

[lolab.livejournal.com]

...thank you. that actually helps. i really needed that. you're kind of a miracle. i'm so lucky you're around. heart eyes for you, i has them.

<3 good luck sewing, bb.

*writes 7*

[aylaranzz.livejournal.com]

OMG, that fic is seriously gonna kill me!!! First, however I have to catch up with the cabin fic. Once I get my comp back I shall be doing that.

And maybe Brendon was saying that Spencer and Shane are BFFs. *shrug* And I think Ryan's too busy making the most random Twitters in the world to follow anyone new. lol.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

me too. :/

yeah, i considered that too after i read it. idk.

no, see, ryan's following brendon. it's brendon who's not following ryan.

[quixoticfangirl.livejournal.com]

Ryan was (still is) worrying me too. He just sounded so lonely and sad on twitter, and his post on WSB. D= I wanted to hug him and be like "DONT BE LONELY RYAN ROSS!"

Guh. That boy/boy picture is awesome.

najggnsajklng. You talking about Brendon dying and saying "I can't have him live for more then ten years" and then THAT PICTURE. My heart! </3 Can't wait for chapter 7!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i know. :(

THE PICTURE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

chapter 7 is finally being written... we'll see...

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

I agree with your tinhat.
Though wether Something Really Happened, or if real Rywalk is going down, idk
But i want to know how Shane's involved...
if you want to email me, we can ~discuss and try to get you unstuck! (and i have no friends in bandom to theorize with)

also, email me and I've give you first hand information about someone who lost a friend to AIDS,

so yeah. Email me?

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah. something happened. but like... i mean... there's a reason GSF in bandom is like, 95% panic at the disco. there's something special and bonded about this band. they're so close and codependent and i just. i feel like they'll be able to fix this.

okay, by the end of answering comments/emails, i'll totally forget, so you email me, okay? <3 thanks for being willing to share. <3

[selectivelyurie.livejournal.com]

...So I made the most unattractive mangled noise at the screen at that picture. JFC I CANNOT. STOP. STARING. It's so pretty :( Is this the picture you were telling me about a few posts back? You said something about a picture you'd email me if I asked and I fail and never did /o\

omg that scene for aidsfic sounds so beautiful. I'm going to cry like a fucking baby in this story. Like, I hardly made it through the prologue to PWF, colin. THE FUCKING PROLOGUE. I will not last in this fic. But I will read it because ilysm.

Okay, so I was planning on moving our flailing from my post to this one but now I'm just legit sad. I noticed Ryan sounded lonely but then you went and pointed out that Brendon might deliberately not be following him and omg, my heart cannot take that. I dnw band trouble, but I really dnw Brendon/Ryan trouble. Just. My heart will die ;__; (I seriously just think we need to spam the shit out of Ryan's @replies with something positive. Anything to make that boy smile because at this point it's killing me).

Oh, and I almost forgot. Have you heard Shine On by JET? Guh, if not, go listen. I found it on my iPod the other day and I immediately started thinking about aidsfic and I was just like "OMG BRENDON!! D:"

<33333333s you :D

[lolab.livejournal.com]

the picture is LIFE.

i'm going to cry too. i still don't know why i'm writing it. :/

yeah. i just. see what i replied to noahatthedisco. i just think... they're strong. they need each other. they'll get through whatever this is.

i'm listening to it now... the accompanying video is kind of killing me. now i want to write blindfic. sigh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6QsjtIoj8E

<3333333 &you;

[miarae.livejournal.com]

*blink* Is it bad that all I can remember from this post is that IM MENTIONED IN IT? \o/ I feel so special!

I'm epically excited about Spyro!Fic, and okay, I'll totally blurt out ideas tomorrow if/when I get back from the dentist. And I'm also epically excited about AIDS!Fic. The scene <3 It kills me.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3!

dude, i am so excited about your spyrofic too. can't wait!!!

[the-randomist.livejournal.com]

*\O/* Personal Google, ftw! I love fichunting. xD is my favorite, besides reading fic. XD
ps, if you need a backup mormon expert, feel free to hit me up. :]

i legit think the boys are just trying to drive us insane. They're elaborately planning each tweet, trying to make us go out of our minds figuring it out.

[payingnavietyoh.livejournal.com]

this. Like, seriously. This is what they do to us.

[mudd248.livejournal.com]

Ummm, that picture^^^^, not Brendon, the OTHER one...oh man, love it. No joke. Gorgeous isn't even a good enough word. Ahhh...
I'm clearly terrible with words.

Your AIDSfic is going to kill us all...jeez.

I hope your day went better today.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i knowwwww it's amazing.

it's gonna kill me too. :/

it was better, thanks bb. <3

[ivesia19.livejournal.com]

Ok, I need to get out what I think about Brendon's twitter,because seriously, yesterday I was so happy that he had one and now it's just causing me so much angst.
Why are they fighting!?
Why?!
I know we all thought so, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.
Under no circumstances do I think that Ryan and Jon are dating, but there's definitely a divide in the group and it's terrible.
Ryan's trying to make an effort, Brendon! He's following you - follow him back. Jon and him are your bffffff too, remember?!

Colin, why must he break my heart?
He's playing into my worst ideas about what's going on and it's not okay.
I want HAPPY BRENDON AND RYAN
EPIC LOVE
I may just have to go write an explanation for all this, but I don't have TIME!

Grrr...

Ok, I'm spamming you, sorry, but it's just sadly upsetting.

But ILY ♥

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ryan is making an effort, it's true. i feel like... maybe he's the one who initiated the divide, and now he's regretting it, but brendon is bitter now. much as i love brendon, i feel like he's the sort of person whose forgiveness is hard to earn when it really counts. i feel like he could hold a grudge easily, if he's been really hurt.

ily 2. they will fix this, i know they will. there's a reason 95% of bandom gsf is panic. this band is strong and crazy about each other and they're all sort of gay and stupidly in love.

just think, soon we will be able to rant about this for hours in person without the trouble of a keyboard! \o/ i'm sure we will come back with epic theories and explanations.

alien possession, for one.

[autumn-carnival.livejournal.com]

You're reading way too much into the tweets dude, it's only twitter. It could just be some inside joke that they're all in on. Or it could be something completely different. So don't worry, they're still making and playing music together so I'd say it can't be too serious. *nods*

And that scene makes me achy :( I'd be so depressed writing (and reading) this aidsfic.

Anyway, what's this big love AU you mentioned, care to link? :)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

eh, maybe... idk. reading into the subtleties of stuff like that is one of my (very few) strengths. but i'm going to assume you're right. i'd like to be wrong on this, lol. <3

yeah, this fic's gonna kill us all. bleh. :/

ah, sure, here ya go.
http://just-katarin.livejournal.com/160986.html

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

So, looks like your gone for the night, and I'll just post this here then. I wrote Lonely!Ryan fic. which was actually very helpful, stopped me from feeling so fucked up, lol. Anyway. here! (also, LJ suck as this was 63 characters to short to fit in one comment. grrr)
_______


Sometimes it hurt more then words could express.

And the thing was, Ryan couldn’t even be mad at him about it. It was his own fault, all of this fucking mess was his own fault.

It was his fault Brendon went to Shane in the first place. Even at 18 years old, Ryan could read the look in Brendon’s eyes. It scared him at the time, scared him so much, because he didn’t see himself worthy of that kind of love. Especially from Brendon, the kid with more guts then Ryan would ever have, who left his family on faith of a chance. On faith in Ryan and what he was trying to building. Ryan didn’t think he was worthy of that love.

So he pushed Brendon away, kept him at arms length, close enough to touch but too far away to hold. And so they went on like that, Brendon slowly getting on with his life as Ryan slowly fell for him more and more each day. It was about the time that Ryan stopped pushing away that Brendon stopped pushing towards.

Brendon had Shane. Shane made him smile like Brendon deserved to smile, looked out for him, took care of him, and loved him the way Brendon deserved to be loved. The way Ryan wanted to love him, but couldn’t. He couldn’t make himself be angry at Shane, couldn’t bring himself to hate him because he made Brendon happy. Ryan liked it when Brendon was happy.

Spencer was stuck in the middle, and Ryan knew that. Ryan and Brendon were his two oldest friends, his two closest friends, and he was stuck between them. Still, it didn’t make it any easier when Spencer started to gravitate towards Brendon. It didn’t stop him from feeling betrayed, because the one thing Ryan had always, always thought he could count on in life was having Spencer by his side.

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

suddenly, it was like the roles had reversed. It was Brendon pushing Ryan out of his life, out of the picture. Except Brendon was taking Spencer and Shane away from him too. Jon stayed by Ryan, stuck by his side, lived with him and smoked with him, wrote music with him. It only made Ryan feel guilty, like he was keeping Jon from something. Brendon had met Jon first, Brendon was friends with Jon first. Spencer had gotten close to Jon first, that special bond they formed in the Cabin. Ryan just... was.

And really that was it in the end. Everyone else was changing, growing, and Ryan felt stuck. Brendon had Shane to love and be loved by, Shane who was steady and solid and whole, Brendon had out grown Ryan. Ryan was fucked up and broken, no matter how much better he got. Brendon had Spencer, with their inside jokes that suddenly Ryan didn’t understand anymore, Spencer followed Brendon to LA and to Disney Land and rarely came to see Ryan.

And he knew, he knew, he was pushing Jon away the same way he’d pushed away Brendon. Or at least he was trying to. But Jon was stronger then Brendon had been, more confident in himself, or maybe more understanding of Ryan. Jon stayed and Ryan loved him for it. He loved him for it and felt guilty about it because he couldn’t give Jon what he deserved the same way he couldn’t have give it to Brendon so many years earlier. But Jon stuck around, and pushed back at Ryan, and he could feel himself breaking under Jon’s steady pressure.

But he tried to keep that wall up against Jon, and tried to reach out to Brendon, and tried to connect with Shane, and tried to pull Spencer back. All he managed to do was worry himself into insomnia and feel stretched out beyond his capacity. The worse part was no one else seemed to notice, no one except Brendon, who purposefully kept Ryan at arms length.

Somehow, Ryan found himself standing in the middle of their practice space, surrounded by his band, his family and feeling more alone then he ever had.

What Ryan didn’t see was the way Spencer took pictures of him, a smile on his face as he watched his best friend play guitar. What Ryan didn’t hear was the way Shane’s voice took on that happy note when he spoke to Ryan, watching his boyfriend’s best friend fixing a microphone. What he didn’t feel was the way Jon’s hands would brush across his back, trying to lend some kind of comfort to the man he’d fall so hard for.

What Ryan didn’t know was the way Brendon watched him, knowing Ryan better then anyone else in the room, knowning what he was working himself into and powerless to stop it.

What Ryan couldn't understand was how much they all loved him.

[starlesscities.livejournal.com]

:) I finished your fic.

It's here (http://playful-lips.livejournal.com/15299.html#cutid1) at my writing journal. (playful_lips

Hope you like it :') <3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

\o/!!! *goes*

[gothicduckie6.livejournal.com]

why can't you kill Ryan? seriously, any killing fic I have read, people killed Ryan, and it was okay.
I may not be able to live with myself if you kill our little sunshine boy.

PANIC SPLIT IS BREAKING MY HEART! Like seriously, I cannot listen to panic now without getting sad because it's all ryan/jon and brendon/spencer, and even in the practice pictures, it just looks off.

...excuse me while I go mope around now.
D:

[lolab.livejournal.com]

exactly; everyone kills ryan, and that's exactly why i won't do it. i want to be original. ryan dying is way too cliche; the sad emo boy. i want the bubbly, smiley one to die. much more effective.

and yes, i realize i'm an evil person. lol.

it's breaking my heart too, but i really, really think they'll work out whatever this Thing is. they're too strong to drift apart. keep the faith. <3

[piper47.livejournal.com]

Are you following Beckett and Gabe, because srsly, William being all "@Gabe: brothers?" and Gabe saying "@Beckett: forever" might be the best thing I have ever seen happen on twitter ever. EVER.

[guilt-lines.livejournal.com]

iawtc tbh <3