just a clock to beat and a hand to choose

[behindthec]

so, all the twittering and the pics... \o/ my faith in panic is marginally restored. but ryan continues to come across as possibly the loneliest boy in the world to me. even in the new rehearsal pics, he just looks. sad. someone write fic to explain it. here's to inspire you:
http://lolab.livejournal.com/95414.html?thread=5095094
(it's also on her blog now, with us plotting spyro fic; go help us out.)

finally read that "big love AU" everyone's been talking about. imo, it was well written and the sex was hot, but i'll always prefer realism. i like reading about the boys as we know them. i can do AUs if they still feel like the boys i know, but this just... didn't. still, an entertaining read.

taraangelx had been answering every single dumbass question i've had about HIV/AIDS. she is a genius. more information that i ever thought i'd need. i'm so lucky i have you guys. you're all like my own personal library. ivesia19 can read hands. the_randomist can find any fic ever; she's like my bandom google. redorchids makes the sweetest fanvids and said she'd teach me (and is writing angsty AU!pccf porn!). moku_youbi is my mormonism expert. jeez; what else do you guys do? ♥ (and on that note, what do i do? i have no skillz. :/)

...so, did you know about 40% of people with AIDS will develop some form of cancer?

*...glances apologetically in brendon's direction*

yeah. you heard me.

look, treatments are advanced nowadays. i can't have him living 10+ years. i can't write all that. SORRY. i planned to give you a chapter 7 teaser to distract you. PRETTY BOYS HAVING DISEASE-FREE SEX! and you can bet they're gonna realize "hey, we're out of condoms and we're clean!" and ditch the latex at some point in this chapter and it's gonna be smoking hot, so there. but, i ended up not writing anything, and rather flailing all day with sophie about panic and aidsfic and the twitters and pics and stuff, so you get my favorite boypic of all time instead. click to enlarge, it's gorgeous.



picture that for chapter 7. it's coming, i promise. i think i might start it tonight. meanwhile, have this bit of aidsfic that's been in my head today (one of dozens; sophie and i came up with loads today): spencer comes home, finds brendon sitting on the floor with beethoven's 9th symphony blasting from the stereo. spencer sits down in front of him and holds his hands, just 'cause holding hands with brendon is better than not holding hands with him. when it finishes, brendon says, "i want this at my funeral," no emotion, just statement. spencer says, "shut the fuck up." brendon says, "no, you shut the fuck up. i'm dying." spencer says, full of misguided venom, "we're all dying." brendon blinks, says, "fine, then make me a list of songs you want at your funeral and i'll pass it on to ryan." spencer gets up and stalks off to his room and slams the door. after awhile he hears a knock, opens the door, and brendon's just standing there. spencer pulls him into a bear hug and doesn't let him go and stains bden's once-fitted-but-now-oversized tshirt with tears.

i kind of hate my brain for these scenes.

you're allowed to contribute too. whatever comes to mind. i'll add everything to my notes.

is it bad that i already have 3 songs for the soundtrack? fml. SERIOUSLY, TONIGHT, CHAPTER 7. you're allowed to whip me if i don't give you a teaser tomorrow.

...SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, HOW CAN I WRITE THIS BOY DYING????



;alskerjpoifapow34ja3wh43pauwfpa FUCK. MY. BRAIN. *slits wrists*

ETA: brendon's twitter isn't helping. he's not following ryan (though ryan's following him). and broadcasting that spence and shane are his "bfff's" (?) almost feels like going out of the way to proclaim that ryan and jon aren't. it's the typical stuff you do when you want to make someone jealous. i'm almost starting to think Something Really Happened; like he's mad at them. there's no smiling in the rehearsal pics, they're all far apart from each other, ryan looks depressed, and i just. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN IT. there is something that is Not Right with this band and i can't fucking figure it out, and i'm sitting here trying to write chapter 7 and now i just can't.

i'm just going to assume ryan and jon seriously are dating and brendon's just jealous and hurt and still in love with ryan and trying to forget. sometimes i have a tin hat too, okay.


here, have a rec of utmost preciousness that will make you forget all about brendon dying. i'm taking tomorrow off, i've earned it, so happy early friday to me and happy thursday to the rest of you. p.s. i'm friendslocking my previous entry in the next couple days 'cause it talks about work and a specific person, so if there's any more comment-stalking you need to do (oh shut up, you all admit you do it :P) and you're not on my flist, do it now. thx. ♥

Comments

[ivesia19.livejournal.com]

Ok, I need to get out what I think about Brendon's twitter,because seriously, yesterday I was so happy that he had one and now it's just causing me so much angst.
Why are they fighting!?
Why?!
I know we all thought so, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.
Under no circumstances do I think that Ryan and Jon are dating, but there's definitely a divide in the group and it's terrible.
Ryan's trying to make an effort, Brendon! He's following you - follow him back. Jon and him are your bffffff too, remember?!

Colin, why must he break my heart?
He's playing into my worst ideas about what's going on and it's not okay.
I want HAPPY BRENDON AND RYAN
EPIC LOVE
I may just have to go write an explanation for all this, but I don't have TIME!

Grrr...

Ok, I'm spamming you, sorry, but it's just sadly upsetting.

But ILY ♥

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ryan is making an effort, it's true. i feel like... maybe he's the one who initiated the divide, and now he's regretting it, but brendon is bitter now. much as i love brendon, i feel like he's the sort of person whose forgiveness is hard to earn when it really counts. i feel like he could hold a grudge easily, if he's been really hurt.

ily 2. they will fix this, i know they will. there's a reason 95% of bandom gsf is panic. this band is strong and crazy about each other and they're all sort of gay and stupidly in love.

just think, soon we will be able to rant about this for hours in person without the trouble of a keyboard! \o/ i'm sure we will come back with epic theories and explanations.

alien possession, for one.

[ivesia19.livejournal.com]

Everything you're saying is so, so true.
And yes, we will rant for hours.
Though alien possession is not my main theory, though it may have something to do with giant fish and Spencer Smith.

♥