just a clock to beat and a hand to choose

[behindthec]

so, all the twittering and the pics... \o/ my faith in panic is marginally restored. but ryan continues to come across as possibly the loneliest boy in the world to me. even in the new rehearsal pics, he just looks. sad. someone write fic to explain it. here's to inspire you:
http://lolab.livejournal.com/95414.html?thread=5095094
(it's also on her blog now, with us plotting spyro fic; go help us out.)

finally read that "big love AU" everyone's been talking about. imo, it was well written and the sex was hot, but i'll always prefer realism. i like reading about the boys as we know them. i can do AUs if they still feel like the boys i know, but this just... didn't. still, an entertaining read.

taraangelx had been answering every single dumbass question i've had about HIV/AIDS. she is a genius. more information that i ever thought i'd need. i'm so lucky i have you guys. you're all like my own personal library. ivesia19 can read hands. the_randomist can find any fic ever; she's like my bandom google. redorchids makes the sweetest fanvids and said she'd teach me (and is writing angsty AU!pccf porn!). moku_youbi is my mormonism expert. jeez; what else do you guys do? ♥ (and on that note, what do i do? i have no skillz. :/)

...so, did you know about 40% of people with AIDS will develop some form of cancer?

*...glances apologetically in brendon's direction*

yeah. you heard me.

look, treatments are advanced nowadays. i can't have him living 10+ years. i can't write all that. SORRY. i planned to give you a chapter 7 teaser to distract you. PRETTY BOYS HAVING DISEASE-FREE SEX! and you can bet they're gonna realize "hey, we're out of condoms and we're clean!" and ditch the latex at some point in this chapter and it's gonna be smoking hot, so there. but, i ended up not writing anything, and rather flailing all day with sophie about panic and aidsfic and the twitters and pics and stuff, so you get my favorite boypic of all time instead. click to enlarge, it's gorgeous.



picture that for chapter 7. it's coming, i promise. i think i might start it tonight. meanwhile, have this bit of aidsfic that's been in my head today (one of dozens; sophie and i came up with loads today): spencer comes home, finds brendon sitting on the floor with beethoven's 9th symphony blasting from the stereo. spencer sits down in front of him and holds his hands, just 'cause holding hands with brendon is better than not holding hands with him. when it finishes, brendon says, "i want this at my funeral," no emotion, just statement. spencer says, "shut the fuck up." brendon says, "no, you shut the fuck up. i'm dying." spencer says, full of misguided venom, "we're all dying." brendon blinks, says, "fine, then make me a list of songs you want at your funeral and i'll pass it on to ryan." spencer gets up and stalks off to his room and slams the door. after awhile he hears a knock, opens the door, and brendon's just standing there. spencer pulls him into a bear hug and doesn't let him go and stains bden's once-fitted-but-now-oversized tshirt with tears.

i kind of hate my brain for these scenes.

you're allowed to contribute too. whatever comes to mind. i'll add everything to my notes.

is it bad that i already have 3 songs for the soundtrack? fml. SERIOUSLY, TONIGHT, CHAPTER 7. you're allowed to whip me if i don't give you a teaser tomorrow.

...SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, HOW CAN I WRITE THIS BOY DYING????



;alskerjpoifapow34ja3wh43pauwfpa FUCK. MY. BRAIN. *slits wrists*

ETA: brendon's twitter isn't helping. he's not following ryan (though ryan's following him). and broadcasting that spence and shane are his "bfff's" (?) almost feels like going out of the way to proclaim that ryan and jon aren't. it's the typical stuff you do when you want to make someone jealous. i'm almost starting to think Something Really Happened; like he's mad at them. there's no smiling in the rehearsal pics, they're all far apart from each other, ryan looks depressed, and i just. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN IT. there is something that is Not Right with this band and i can't fucking figure it out, and i'm sitting here trying to write chapter 7 and now i just can't.

i'm just going to assume ryan and jon seriously are dating and brendon's just jealous and hurt and still in love with ryan and trying to forget. sometimes i have a tin hat too, okay.


here, have a rec of utmost preciousness that will make you forget all about brendon dying. i'm taking tomorrow off, i've earned it, so happy early friday to me and happy thursday to the rest of you. p.s. i'm friendslocking my previous entry in the next couple days 'cause it talks about work and a specific person, so if there's any more comment-stalking you need to do (oh shut up, you all admit you do it :P) and you're not on my flist, do it now. thx. ♥

Comments

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

suddenly, it was like the roles had reversed. It was Brendon pushing Ryan out of his life, out of the picture. Except Brendon was taking Spencer and Shane away from him too. Jon stayed by Ryan, stuck by his side, lived with him and smoked with him, wrote music with him. It only made Ryan feel guilty, like he was keeping Jon from something. Brendon had met Jon first, Brendon was friends with Jon first. Spencer had gotten close to Jon first, that special bond they formed in the Cabin. Ryan just... was.

And really that was it in the end. Everyone else was changing, growing, and Ryan felt stuck. Brendon had Shane to love and be loved by, Shane who was steady and solid and whole, Brendon had out grown Ryan. Ryan was fucked up and broken, no matter how much better he got. Brendon had Spencer, with their inside jokes that suddenly Ryan didn’t understand anymore, Spencer followed Brendon to LA and to Disney Land and rarely came to see Ryan.

And he knew, he knew, he was pushing Jon away the same way he’d pushed away Brendon. Or at least he was trying to. But Jon was stronger then Brendon had been, more confident in himself, or maybe more understanding of Ryan. Jon stayed and Ryan loved him for it. He loved him for it and felt guilty about it because he couldn’t give Jon what he deserved the same way he couldn’t have give it to Brendon so many years earlier. But Jon stuck around, and pushed back at Ryan, and he could feel himself breaking under Jon’s steady pressure.

But he tried to keep that wall up against Jon, and tried to reach out to Brendon, and tried to connect with Shane, and tried to pull Spencer back. All he managed to do was worry himself into insomnia and feel stretched out beyond his capacity. The worse part was no one else seemed to notice, no one except Brendon, who purposefully kept Ryan at arms length.

Somehow, Ryan found himself standing in the middle of their practice space, surrounded by his band, his family and feeling more alone then he ever had.

What Ryan didn’t see was the way Spencer took pictures of him, a smile on his face as he watched his best friend play guitar. What Ryan didn’t hear was the way Shane’s voice took on that happy note when he spoke to Ryan, watching his boyfriend’s best friend fixing a microphone. What he didn’t feel was the way Jon’s hands would brush across his back, trying to lend some kind of comfort to the man he’d fall so hard for.

What Ryan didn’t know was the way Brendon watched him, knowing Ryan better then anyone else in the room, knowning what he was working himself into and powerless to stop it.

What Ryan couldn't understand was how much they all loved him.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

GAHHHHHHHHHH

<33333333333

this is really pretty much how i see it.

but FUCK, can you fix it now? WITH EPIC GSF OR SOMETHING??? :/

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

I can try to fix it!!
I've got nothing else to work on, not counting school work

[chicken-cookie.livejournal.com]

UM. HELLO. O_O
Dear lord, that made me tear up! (Am I pathetic or what?) So sad, though! Stupid obliviousandpathetic!Ryan...