525,600 minutes.

[behindthec]

go read The way you make me feel (it knocks me off my feet) by siubhlach. unf.

also, here is the actual interview from the rywalk backrub gif that went viral last week. "we don't like drugs or girls." oh, jon walker, how are you real. speaking of this band's unrealness, ryan and spencer's twitters, oh fucking god. RYAN'S BUYING HIM SHORTS, YOU GUYS. BECAUSE HE KNOWS SPENCER'S SIZE AND WHAT KIND HE'D LIKE, AND. AND. YOU GUYS. i. just. ♥!! someone, please, right now, write me endless present-day fic about ryan and spencer realizing they have possibly been in love forever and are married. GO.

and now,

i honestly cannot decide what my next project is going to be. i want to write another standalone before i start something epic, as seems to be my usual now, just to shake things up, but i'm not... like, inspired for the peterick i was going to do. idk. and i have no other oneshot ideas. can anyone remember me saying i was going to do something? maybe that jonrad when jon left for panic. idk. i know i said i was going to write that epic billrad next, but... i'm just not obsessive over it at the moment. the story i always end up writing is the one i'm fangirling in my brain. it has to be that way; that's how they turn out as well as they do (er, i assume they do 'cause you tell me they do), because i think about it 24/7 and get all obsessed with it.

it was a tossup between blind!fic (ryden or gsf) and aids!fic (moku_youbi and i seem to share a passion for torturing brendon urie), but i honestly am leaning towards aids!fic. i'm still stuck on brendon/spencer for it, but all you ryden tinhatters have to promise me you'll read it anyway. ;) not to toot my own horn, but i've been told time and again i have a tendency to convert people to pairings they never would've liked or imagined. let's hope i've still got it. and it's so weird, because a few months ago i'd never have even considered brencer. they were the hardest for me to visualize until recently. just too much canon goodness in the past year between them to ignore. they seem to have grown up together, in toward each other, in some way. if that makes any sense. i'm trying to justify the way the band is currently in a rywalk/brencer split. it makes me sad. but yeah, i feel like spencer's a good choice. because he seems so strong, so he'd be what brendon needs... but i also really want to see him break down when brendon starts declining. I WANT TO SEE SPENCER SMITH CRY, OKAY. i want to see him crying and yelling about how he can't do this, but being too concerned to let himself break down in front of brendon so he goes outside on the deck and calls ryan on his cell and breaks down there, but brendon comes out and sees him anyway. i heard one exchange in my head where breakdowny!ryan was like, "i'm fucking losing him, spence," and spence snaps back, "we're ALL losing him, and some of us are in love with him." and brendon happens to walk in the room right at that moment (it's the first time spencer's admitted it to anyone). ;asj;fijao4rja;w3;aoio!!!!! this is seriously going to be the angstiest fic that ever angsted, oh god. falling in love with someone after you find out they're dying? jfc. and brendon trying to avoid it, trying to shoo spencer away, being all "DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL BE GONE SOON." only, with less cheesy lines.

i don't know; i have nothing concretely planned for this fic. throw out any ideas you have, anything that comes to mind. i have ryan as being very breakdowny, withdrawn and angry and just losing it a lot (i strongly feel ryan ross responds to loss of control with anger). i've visualized a scene where he and spence and jon accompany brendon when he tells his family he's got HIV. (to make it even worse, maybe he hasn't even come OUT to them yet, oh god. no, i couldn't do that.) ryan basically breaks down and can't do it, and bren's like, it's okay, it's okay, you can go, and jon goes after him, and so spence stays with brendon while he tells them. then there's also the issue of the media, how/when they decide to go public with it (early on, or by obligation after an on-stage breakdown?), and the stress of the industry's/fans' reactions. i have an image of one scene where brendon's starting to get worse, and he passes out one night on stage. i feel like the disease is going to progress pretty quickly with him (i mean, many people live years and sometimes decades with the virus; i can't cover all that here). i also remember very, very little about HIV/AIDS. i wrote rentfic back in the day but all i remember is... um... AZT. t-cells. low = bad, high = good. help me out? rent was set like, 20 yrs ago. there are advancements, i'm sure. spew random facts? give me something to start with? brainstorm with me, anything? is there anyone who knows a lot about the disease that would be willing to sort of be my point person while i'm writing? have me throw you scenes and ideas and be all, "is this realistic?" and ask other dumb questions?

other random images i had were of brendon refusing to go to support groups for awhile; angsting that no one will ever want him again, and spence not knowing how to say, "hey, dickface, i want you," afraid of rejection... i see spence coming home one day to find bden has like, terrorized the house, broken half his shit, his guitars. and once all the ~feelings come out later, i can see bden totally being all, fine, but we are NEVER having sex, too risky, etc. (of course, they eventually will, and spencer will tell ryan, and ryan will shitflip, etc.) also had the image of spence coming home one day to find brendon curled up on the couch with a blanket and watching RENT. and like, bawling. because brendon is totally going to have loads of pathetic moments in this, to counteract all the times he's strong and positive.

okay, so maybe i do have some concrete ideas for this. \o/

i am also vaaaaguely considering a spencer/ryan sequel... or possible spence/ryan/jon sequel. but i wouldn't want it be just misdirected bonding over bden's death (<--a phrase i never want to use again in my life, oh god). i want it to be more. and i want them to still be a band, but i know they couldn't be, and i don't know what i'd DO with them, what would i DO with them? would ryan finish college, teach music? or teach writing? work with pete? what would spence do, and jon? i'd need desperately to keep them together, but i'd want it to be realistic. idk. maybe no sequel. throw out thoughts for this too. oh, and i suppose i'll need a brencer icon for this. throw your favorite photos my way. (ETA: got one! so it has the same quote as my bilvy icon; who cares. it fits. ♥ thanks to the_randomist for the link to the picspam of epic epicness.)

oh, and seriously guys, five pages of comments on chapter 6? you make me feel so loved. thank you, ferrealz. ♥

in case you hadn't noticed, i'm taking a short break from pccf. 7 should be up hopefully next week, but i need a breather this week. no worries, it's all planned and outlined and part of a scene is written. it's just my professional and personal life are both under intense amounts of stress right now, and i just kind of need to. not commit to a damn thing for a few days. think about something else (aids!fic). thanks for understanding. on the upside, there is going to be a scene of one-on-one b-ball in the driveway. i haven't yet determined whether this is going to be inordinately faily, or one of those random boythings at which ryan happens to be awesome (like cars). either way, shirtless sweaty boys all up in each other's space, yo. \o/

also, takkatakkatakka came up with the best texting exchange ever (ever) in the last entry's comments:

in reply to who tops: your MOM tops
spencer's response: only with ryan

HEH. HEH HEH.

Comments

[guilt-lines.livejournal.com]

not fc tbh.

as you know, school has turned my brain into LIFE. HATE. and panic (and not the good kind). but this was a very nice distraction because I am now so, so excited for aids!fic. (torturing a Bden really is fun. what are we :/). and ANGST. and crying. and gah, it sounds so good. I especially like the 'random images' paragraph. For lacking in concrete ideas, this is fairly concrete lol. but you has insane outlines and stuff :P

can you imagine Brendon's FACE if Ryan somehow managed to make a perfect basketball shot or something? so I say random boything of awesome tbh.

♥

[lolab.livejournal.com]

SCHOOL IS EVIL. EVERYONE SHOULD DROP OUT.

(not really. stay in school kids.)

but YAY, i'm glad you're excited! you and i are going to have fun with this one. i'm sure you'll help me come up with all kinds of exciting angst for it i'd never even thought of. for one, i want spence to overhear ryan and brendon talking at one point, and ryan's saying, "i've kind of always been in love with you... i'm sorry i never..." but by the end of the conversation brendon is like, "well, i'm spencer's now." and spence is just ♥_♥

YES, I THINK RYAN IS GOING TO KICK ASS AT BASKETBALL. I'M NOT SURE THIS FITS IN WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, BUT. ASLKJESAFOA4P. HOTTTTTTTTT.

[melody-so-sweet.livejournal.com]

I think you've earned my (and probably quite a few other people's) infinite fandom, so you know I'll read anything you put up, regardless of the pairing. XD

Gosh, Colin. If you write that, you'll make me cry. 100% guaranteed. D:

I think after such a great chapter, you deserve a break. XD

[lolab.livejournal.com]

awww, thank you! there will definitely be some rydeny moments too, so no worries. ;)

i think it's gonna make me cry too. idek if i'll have the emotional strength to write it. it'll be a much slower process than my usual writing.

<3 thanks bb.

[stereotypeloser.livejournal.com]

If you're going to speed up the process of his death (D;) I'd suggest having him contract an infection that will, obviously, be fatal. That's pretty much what the cause would be. Either you die from the prolonged effects of AIDs, or you contract an infection (something like pneumonia, or a fungus infection or virus that affects that brain).
Um, there's one called Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy, which affects the brain and causes personality changes, loss of various bodily functions and is, obviously, progressive. The treatment, though, works for about 50% of patients.
Of course, you can have HIV for years and have no signs of AIDs. Are you gonna have Brendon been infected for some time and didn't tell anyone or some shit?

Anywho, I have a feeling this story will break me in the best way possible (somehow).
ily.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

right. they say you usually don't die *from* AIDS, you die from getting a normal infection that turns bad b/c of the disease. though, i don't want him to just go around sick the whole time. i figure this'll probably cover a year, year and a half at most, from the time he finds out he's positive. BUT, it'll help that he's supposedly been positive for close to two years (he remembers the specific incident; a one-night-stand when the condom broke, though the guy had claimed he was clean, so bden never worried). so no, brendon wasn't keeping it from anyone; as soon as he gets tested and fins out, he tells everyone. (and ryan cries. a lot. :( )

god; i don't think i'd want to do the brain one. i want him to stay lucid and normal. i'm already torturing him enough. :(

thing is, i'm not sure i want to write the actual death. like, because then i'd have to write the funeral. and i don't know if i could. the fic will end either when he's really close, and he (and spence and the others) finally reach some kind of peace about it... or, it'll end right after the funeral, with spence and jon and ryan driving out to the desert to smoke up and blast their own albums from the car stereo; something simple like that. oh god. just thinking about that is making my eyes sting. fuck. i think i'll have to do that. :/

anyway, thanks for the info! i shall come to you again. AND BREAK YOU WITH THE ANGST.

<3

[ivesia19.livejournal.com]

but i've been told time and again i have a tendency to convert people to pairings they never would've liked or imagined
....yeah, well, I think I'm a hopeless case, really I do, but I'll still love you, even if you write about things that defy The Truth. But I won't be able to make myself read anything buy ryden because a part of me will die.

And you know what? Maybe I'll make it my mission for you to narrow down your otp choice!
Oh, just wait til our concert, there'll be an epic conversion!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

LOL! there will be no narrowing of my otp! i don't HAVE an otp. what makes fandom interesting for me is the possibility of all these different alternate possibilities of falling in love. i don't think there's one right person for everyone. i think we've all got at least seven soulmates.

well, you will be missing out on all the angst, and all the rydeny subtext i'm going to include, then. :P

[selectivelyurie.livejournal.com]

so should we start diving our graves now? because I AM DYING BECAUSE OF RYAN AND SPENCER! I KNEW THEY COULDN'T RESIST TWEETING EACH OTHER AND OF ALL THINGS TO TWEET ABOUT, IT'S CLOTHES! AFJIO';KLJ4I8O'CM COLIN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THOSE BOYS? (also, omg i laughed so hard at ryan following yoko ono)

i'm glad you're taking time for a breather, bb. i seriously don't see how you turn out epic chapters for us each week so taking a week off is no biggie :) and omg, even though i swear my ryden tinhat is permanently attached to my head, your brencer sounds amazing D: i just. brendon dying is absolutely terrifying to think about, period. but losing him to AIDS is completely different and i fucking hate you for almost making me cry in a rough summary ;__; okay, not really because it's beautiful and i think you've got some really strong ideas for it. i think i'll find a way to remove my tinhat for this (you're lucky ily) :D

as for standalone ideas, i should be one of the main people that could offer you help, considering that's all i write. i'd love to write epic stories like yourself, but i haven't gotten a firm idea yet :\ quick, you jump in my brain, i'll jump in yours and bet we'll find something :)

om nom nom basketball! i have no idea why, but on Live in Chicago, when they played a short snippet of them playing b-ball in In The Days, i watched it like 5 times. seriously, i think that's one of the most masculine things i've ever seen them do (even if ryan was in dress pants and a jacket XD). you could totally watch that 2 second clip for inspiration if you'd like though. or go look at those old pictures of ryan, spencer and brendon at their little slumber party (you know, back when ryan had acne and brendon was still innocent?) and drool over ryan in basketball shorts :)

<333

[lolab.livejournal.com]

LS;AKERJHOPIFJPAW I KNOW. I KNOWWWWWWWWWWW. ALSO I LOVE OUR ALL-CAPS DISCUSSIONS TBH.

ah, i wish i could write more oneshots. if i had some good ideas that sparked with me, i might... idk.

YES. RYAN FAILS IN HIS DRESS PANTS. but in this, he is totally going to be shirtless and wearing REALBOY JEANS. which hang LOW ON HIS HIPS. and. ;lsekpaoisfpoaiw3j4poaiw4. oh, and he's GOING to sweat this time, even though ryan never sweats. basketball with brendon would make anyone sweat, oh god.

SLUMBER PARTY PICS. <33333333333333

*shiver*

[miarae.livejournal.com]

omfg aidsfic. WANT. And I totally see Spencer doing something with that after Brendons death. Like. I don't know. Giving speeches and teaching kids about safe sex. And them doing charity and shows to raise money for aids patients. AND ONE SHOULD SO NOT BE EXCITED ABOUT MAKING BDEN SUFFER. And I am. I blame you. So. Yes. *clears throat* aids!fic yay, that's pretty much all I have to say.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

YAY! want also! dude, yeah, i can see that. or he could start a whole record label with jon or something in bden's memory, where part of all the proceeds go to AIDS research. and ryan could be the pwentz and recruit the bands. DECAYDANCE: THE NEXT GENERATION.

oh wow, now i want to sit around all day and think of the awesome name they're going to give their label. something from brendon's lyrics. which he's going to write more of in the fic (maybe i can get redorchids to write me some more). so maybe i won't know until the end.

\o/

[notyourshot.livejournal.com]

mental picture, mental picture, brendon trying to keep spencer from falling in love with him. he kinda roars: "you can't love me, IM DYING"

...and then they have angry sex.

...that makes sense, don't you see it? roaring? then sex? ...?

ohwait he has aids.

OH DUDE THAT'D BE FANTASTIC FOR SEXUAL TENSION. ungh they'd have to, like, get each other off with words.

i can deal with that. :DDDDDDDDD


okay and back to what you said about when ryan shitflips because they do eventually have sex, like. like. he yells at spencer for being a moron and brendon hears and oh THE ANGST because brendon starts torurting myself and things he killed spencer and spence's like "i'm here, dumbass. i'm not dead" and and and spencer gets tested. and he doesn't have aids, me htinks, because that'd just be way too ridiculous. and then spencer tries to have sex again and brendon runs like a motherfucker because he's scared he'll hurt spencer. it's half self-preseration (he doesn't want the guilt, dude, no way) and half actually caring.

and.

...you're so writing aids!fic. I WILL USE MY POWERS ON YOU.

[notyourshot.livejournal.com]

also, also. not only did he tweet spencer about CLOTHES whichs is like SAHJFHDSJFHSJDHFKSJDHFJK, but he also tweet...ered Shane. I WANT MY HEART BACK.

[phillyfilly.livejournal.com]

I would like to read about you making Spencer cry. See also: Bden breaking shit. :)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yay! :D

[(Anonymous)]

i think it's a little chiche getting aids that way.

maybe, i don't know, a dirty needle? and he disappoints his friends?

(sorry bden.)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

the idea is cliche, i guess, but there's a reason it's cliche: it happens all the damn time. idk, i don't think the way he contracts it is all that important. what i will try to keep unique is the rest of the story.

i don't see bden doing the needley kind of drugs... lol. i feel like he sticks to weed, maybe cocaine on special occasions, the rare dabbling with ecstasy. though thanks for the suggestion.

[(Anonymous)]

I should be working but, yeah? Like there's a chance of that after this post! lol
aids!fic sounds wonderful, not in a 'I want bden to suffer' kind of way * I need to make that clear.
I really hope you write this, you are keeping me sane, things have been so busy that I hardly get on here, I haven't looked at my flist for days but I can never not look at your posts. *sorry everyone else.

So aids!fic, I was thinking you could have Bden's HIV progress quickly because he hasn't been checked over, some phobia of needles would do it, so he's not aware he's even HIV positive until it's got to the AIDS stage. Maybe Spencer makes him go get checked out when he's getting ill far too often. You could draw on when Panic were first starting out and Bden was sick ALOT. I can see him shrugging it off and using that period as a reason for why he doesn't need to get a check-up. Maybe the others would put it down to him never sleeping so he's tired all the time, cos the hours he keeps are catching up with him.
See what you've done to me? This is in my head now, when numbers and other such crap should be foremost rattling around my brain.
Seriously though, I think you would write this beautifully. I can see lots of tears and used tissues (wtf?) when we get to read this.
I want it.
Now I really must go do some work!! I may well have repeated what someone else said before me, don't know cos for once I haven't been stalking your comments. And expect typos in this. lol
*my comment for 6 never posted. what is that about? Too many comments and lj fucks mine off?
<3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i should be working too. :P we FAIL.

i am definitely going to write it; my brain is all obsessed with it now so it's inevitable.

oh, god, that's a great idea. i forgot how brendon was sick a lot. maybe he just has a weak immune system to begin with, like me. :'( i know if i ever got AIDS, i'd be a goner. i keep myself healthy with diet and stuff but i just naturally have a weak system. sigh. plus bden has a rotten diet, all that candy and red bull, so spence is totally gonna be forcing vegetables down his throat and stuff. CARETAKER!SPENCE IS MY FAVOURITE.

thanks for your confidence! i feel like i've got a good start on this now, so i'm excited.

[taraangelx.livejournal.com]

I agree with you - that Spencer/Brendon for AIDS!fic works best. Ryan would be just... it's too much. To loose his voice and his band and the love of his life. I just don't think Ryan could really make it (not that you couldn't probably convince me of it - because you totally could)... but Spencer, Spencer would try SO HARD. Would want to be so so strong. *sigh*

I love Blind!fic too... I love the imagery (or lack there of). So, whichever I will promise to read it.

As for help on the HIV/AIDS front - I could probably help you out. I was a certified Red Cross AIDS peer educator and I have/do know people with the HIV and AIDS. So, if you need anything I would be more than willing to help!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i agree; ryan would just be... too *much*. i mean, god, ryan would just DIE. i couldn't. he's gonna be angsty enough as it is.

yeah, spencer would try to stay SO STRONG and then ultimately fail, and brendon would have to see him break down, because of him. :'(

blindfic is SO exciting to me! it will probably be my next one after this, and i can't decide if it's gonna be ryden or gsf. probably gsf. it'll be too long since i'd written it.

oh, dude, that's awesome, thank you! lemme ask this: is there an actual definable ~moment when HIV becomes AIDS? like, you go to the doctor and this time they're like, "oh, NOW it's AIDS." i'm kinda fuzzy on that. i'm not entirely sure of the hard-fact differences. and also, is it plausible for brendon to die (UGH, IT HURTS TO SAY THAT, ;lwkajropfi) within 3 years of contracting the virus?

i'm sure i'll have a zillion questions as i go along...

[quixoticfangirl.livejournal.com]

D=. I am gonna have to read aidsfic, because it's you, even though I don't like straying from ryden all that much. It's totally gonna make me sob and die D=

lmao @ Spencer's mom topping. XD

[lolab.livejournal.com]

<3 thank you! it's gonna kill me too. i hope people will be open to it. not everyone is willing to read a fic where they know a main character dies.

BAHAHA SPENCER'S MOM. <3

[beatzz.livejournal.com]

Um? *Is usually a lurker*

I don't ship Spencer/Brendon very but wow, I love your fic idea.

AIDSfic! Number one source of angst in my Rent fandom days of yore. I never thought those days would serve me. But I did get fact-curious about AIDS.

A lot of good resources actually are online. You could try either http://www.aids.gov or http://www.aids.org.

Also, in terms on an update on AZT, the new treatment regiment is called HAART and apparently it's pretty potent (if really expensive and with limited supply). It's not one drug like AZT but a whole barrage, pretty much - a 'cocktail' they call it and usually the pill regiment is pretty complex and requires a large set of different pills to be taken at certain time in certain combinations. (Which is where Spencer could serve Bden as his like drug buddy. Wow that sounds weird in this context.) And it can actually keep AIDS patients alive more, um, effectively than AZT? It's credited with the decline in AIDS deaths in recent years. Also, it can prolong life for quite a few years. Up to 12, actually. So, I don't actually know if HAART would be a good plot device at all. >:|

Also, weirdly enough (or probably because it's safe-guarded), the Wikipedia page on AIDS is pretty good.

*goes back to lurking*

[lolab.livejournal.com]

welcome! :D

i'm glad you like it. i've only written brencer once before, but it just seems to fit for this. i'm excited to take on something new.

yeah, i'm sure i will do plenty of online research. i'd just like to have people at my disposal who can answer random questions when i need it. XD (i know, i'm spoiled.)

well, obviously these boys are well-off, so of course they'd go with the most advanced/expensive treatment. that's just realistic, so i'll have to include it. thanks for that info, that helps a lot. (my outline is going to consist of like, this entire entry and all the comments. :P) i guess brendon's is just gonna advance pretty fast, then. :'( i still need to work out how plausible it is that he could die 3 yrs after contracting it.

yeah, wiki is what i thought of first. i just have to be wary 'cause anyone can edit it.

no more lurking! you're out now! ;)

[monamour-x.livejournal.com]

i have this, like, really clear image (WTAF BRAIN?!?!?) of when it's really bad and brendon is just sitting on the couch or something and he's in this t-shirt that used to fit him but now he looks all tiny in it, like it's swimming on him, and maybe he's staying at spencer's house because it's come to the point where they dont want to leave him alone and shane had to go somewhere or something (take a break maybe? because this was taking such an emotional toll on him) and so he's staying with spencer and spencer comes home to see brendon and just kind of stands at the door for a few minutes, looking at him, and you hear his keys drop on the floor and he walks over and sits down and wraps brendon in his arms and brendon just slowly starts crying, but not badly, just tears falling down his cheeks and he whispers, "i don't want to die, spence. i. what if i'm not finished with my life? it's not fair." and spencer just says, "i know, i know" fighting back the tears himself, because maybe recently brendon's been crazy positive...like, he's sort of been seeming like he's really accepting it, so this is just a little breaking point right before THE END (oh dear fucking god, i'm tearing up). and yeah.

oh man, you dont have to do that LOL but that just came to me i. i dont. idk.

my cousin died of AIDS. if you have questions, i'll try to answer them. i didn't know him well, but. i can try. it may be hard, though. i'm not sure.

also. i'm not sure about this icon? cause spencer's smiling and its supposed to be sad (but that could be kind of symbolic in a way) but i think brendon looks fitting, or something:



you need to do this. fuck the peterick. THIS. and if you need support or anything along the way, because i KNOW this will be emotional and with the way you involve yourself in your projects--get SO wrapped up in the story--i'm afraid for you. i don't this to...idk. just, i'm here. for confidence/support/someone to talk to. you know that. <33

but, i really have a lot of confidence that you can DO THIS. you can, bb. :)

[lolab.livejournal.com]

as3l;4kjao;fijaw;34jkapoij!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IMAGE, OH GOD. PERFECT. YOU = GENIUS. yeah, spencer's gonna move in with brendon (or vice versa) pretty early on, actually. i think what's gonna happen is this will all start in california about a year from now, and when brendon starts getting sick, he's all, "i want to go home," so they move back to vegas, and he lives with spencer, and ryan gets a place and maybe jon moves in with ryan. shane is in the midst of his Big Break (!) in LA. so he can't move back, but he comes to visit a lot. but spence'll be the one takign care of bren.

MAYBE SHANE CAN MAKE A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT AIDS, LIKE FROM A REAL-LIFE PERSPECTIVE. WITH, Y'KNOW, BRENDON AS THE SUBJECT. idk if that would be good or bad, though. i just feel like it would be compelling and heartbreaking.

bb, fuck, i'm sorry about your cousin. <3 that's so... gah. just knowing someone directly.

fuck, that icon. just. fuck. i think i want one of them looking at each other or hugging though. and smiling, both of them. i want to remember them happy.

OH GOD i'm gonna cry. here. at my desk. I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE FIC.

<33333 thanks bb. i will totally need your support. ily so much.

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

(jsyk, this is a ridiculously long comment. Posted in two parts 'cause LJ fails at comment limits, and I write too much! Flailing and brainstorming be ahead.) :)

OMG Boys buying each other clothes??? SUCH BFFs! *squishes them*
I just LOVE LOVE LOVE that Ryan knows his size. I think my keyboard broke from all my keysmashes at that point.

all you ryden tinhatters have to promise me you'll read it anyway

*waves proudly* HAI THERE!
And of course I'll read it bb. I may be a hopeless tinhatter but it's you, and the awesomeness of the writing makes up for it. *nods*

Plus, I am kinda now in love with the idea of aids!fic. And it being Brencer too - I may not ever ~love any pairing the way i love Ryden, but I will read if it's written well. And I know yours definitely will be.

I have to admit it, that thing you said about Brendon walking out to see Spencer breaking down on the phone to Ryan and being all "And some of us are in love with him!"?? Kinda broke my heart a little bit and I want to read it! God that's going to be unbearable. How can you torture Brendon Urie so? HOW???

I'm just gonna brainstorm some ideas with you here...
1) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make Bden coming out to his FATHER the same time he tells them he has AIDS? PLEASE? That's just genius. Maybe his mum and siblings all know, but not his father... GOD that is stepping up the angst a lot but that would be so powerful I think you should totally do that.

2) Maybe there could be a time that Brendon's refusing to go to support groups. And he's lied and said he's gone to one, and yet he hasn't. And Spencer finds him on a bench on a hill or something listening to Streets of Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen and crying his eyes out? And Spencer just doesn't say anything and holds him until he stops crying? *sob*

3) RE the whole "coping with the media" thing? I think him fainting on stage is a really good idea... maybe he sorta ~spaces out or something in an interview before they've gone public with it, and Jon covers for him or something, shrugs it off but people get all suspicious? And then loads of little incidents lead up and there's loads of public ~superstitions. And maybe some person backstage after Brendon's fainted over hears Jon and Spencer having a conversation about it, and then they leak it to the papers? Just an idea...

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

Second part, continuing ideas. :)

4) OK. Kinda had this idea. I'm sorta on a poetry kick right about now in case you couldn't already tell, and there is a PERFECT poem that you could maybe include in it? Maybe when Brendon's having a heart-to-heart with Ryan when it's coming really close to The End, like last few weeks? And Ry's all like "How the hell am I/the band going to live without you?" He's all like "I'm never gonna be able to write songs, I'm never gonna be able to sing the songs 'cause I'll just be imagining you singing them, and it couldn't ever be the same again..."
And then you could use this poem, maybe? (pay attention to the last two lines)

If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone,
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must, Parting is hell,
But Life goes on, So sing as well.
by Joyce Grenfell

God, kinda tearing up a bit here. :(
And I don't know about a sequel... I don't know it it would work? I think maybe you should decide after writing the fic; if it comes to a natural close, a sequel may be too much?

Writing about these boys dying is pretty heavy stuff. I know you like your angst Colin, but this fic may be pretty hard to write? (Woah, just realised how bitchy that sounded, sorry about that! lol)

But if you do do a sequel... Maybe you could make it so Ryan becomes an author and starts working on a novel about characters living with AIDS? Or is that too cheesy??? Or maybe he never ever writes anything else again?

And maybe Spencer can't face being with anyone else, and he goes missing for like a few months, no contact with anyone... everyone's terrified he's done something ~stupid but he's just gone off to do ~stuff and the guys never find out where he went? You could kinda tell it through flashbacks and we (the audience) find out where he went/what he did to try and get over Brendon's death and come to terms with it, but Ryan and Jon in the fic never find out where he was/what he did for those months? It's just something Spencer and the reader know?
That was kinda a lame idea.

How can you angst it up this much??? Srsly??
OK enough of talking about AIDS. My heart hurts. :(

Also, please make Ryan awesome at B-ball? I think, like fixing a car, it's just one of those things I would love him to be insanely good at. Lots of trick please please please? And Brendon telling him off for showing off, and Ryan being all "Pot, Kettle?" And then invading his personal space (Still shirtless!) and sweaty making-out ensues? Y/Y ?

You totally deserve a break after pccf chap 6. Hope rl sorts itself out soon bb.
And I await the next chapter eagerly! XD

PS - I have kinda a half-Brencer icon? *points* But you only have half of Spencer's face. :(

[lplilly93.livejournal.com]

I've got this thing in my mind, for like. Pete/Ryan maybe?
Where they're having a threesome with a girl or something and the intention of one of them is only to get to have, like, indirect sexytimes with the other boy? Way more poetic of course, because that's just what they are, but yeah. Basically, if my english wouldn't suck this hard, I'd try to write it.

The Brencer: Woooho, I'm so not into this pairing but something tells me I'll read this story nevertheless. Because, hello, these little information about it already got me emotionally worked up. It'll be so great, I know it.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

oooh, i like that. though i've written pete/ryan as a oneshot already, i feel like i should try something else. if i do, it'll probably be jon/tom.

i hope you read it! i feel like it'll hit home with a lot of issues for people... i know i'm hoping it'll help me come to terms with my intense fear of loved ones dying. idk.

<3

[raven29121982.livejournal.com]

so I'm already getting stacks of tissues for reading that fic, cause I'm pretty sure Spencer Smith losing his shit is something that's gonna make me weep inordinate amounts. It seems like you're already up there with the planning, anyway, so I won't be spewing random suggestions.

I would love to see them carry on the band in the sequel, maybe talking each other into it cause it's what Brendon would want (yadayadayada) and then realize they can't do it, so we can have another round of angsting before they all find something else to do. And then Spencer should end up drumming in another band and Ryan writes a book and maybe it turns into Ryan/Jon cause Mr Walker stays around to make sure Ross actually gets off the computer to eat sometimes. And Spencer goes on touring and it's never quite the same again, but he still knows the only place where he'll ever feel like Brendon's still close is behind his kit.

And I will stop. Jesus. I'm done.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yeah, me too. :/ all suggestions welcome!

god, i can't imagine spencer in another band. or any of them. i can't. i can't. but oh, god, what you said about it feeling like it's the only way he can feel like brendon's close... GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JUST KILL ME, JESUS FUCK. but i just can't imagine him in another band. :'( unless it was like... with jon, and maybe jon, and bill, idk. :(

i feel like ryan would, yes, write a book or something... mmm, i'll have to brainstorm what he'd write. something obscure and dramatic and surreal and vague.

[takkatakkatakka.livejournal.com]

texting exchanges! :D

regarding your possible Ryan/Jon/Spencer aids!fic sequel; I have a page of this fic I started writing a while ago that was essentially a Rydon, but set after Brendon's death, with lots to do with closure and mournful sighs and melancholy metaphors etc etc. I know I'm never going to want to do anything with it because it was too damn sad. It's not very long, but I can mail it your way if you'd like, for *inspiration* or whatever?

[this isn't one of those if-you-say-no-I'll-cry kind of things, don't worry.]

[lolab.livejournal.com]

\o/

oh, wow. yeah, i'd love to see it, but, i'd hate to take stuff from it if you're ever going to decide you'd want to use it again... but sure, send it if you want!

[mudd248.livejournal.com]

An AIDS fic would be amazing, and everyone has given you so many awesome ideas. I think ending it with Jon, Ryan and Spencer driving off to smoke or whatever is a really good idea, at least it would be some sort of closure for us(readers) as to the boys accepting it.
I'd love a blind fic too, those always intrigue me.

Question: what does GSF stand for? I know what it means, obviously, just not what it stands for, I really hate internet lingo.

And side note, Rent is in Chicago right now, and I bought tickets to see it next Thursday. The original Roger and Mark are in it, I'm pretty stoked.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

i agree; everyone's ideas have been better than mine, ha!

i really love that ending too; thanks. i don't know why, i just love the image. with brendon's voice blasting from the speakers, and all of them together, letting it wash over them, back at home... back to the place where they began. :/

fuck. gonna start crying again. great.

Group Sex Fic. hahaha.

oh, GOD, i would DIE to see adam and anthony in it!!!!! DO YOU KNOW IF IT'S COMING TO ATLANTA? i'd forgotten they were touring with it now! fuck, i have to look it up! i've seen it on broadway a few times but never with the original group... ;alekjpaoifa.

[barker101.livejournal.com]

(http://s86.photobucket.com/albums/k81/Ryannmmm/?action=view&current=isthisforeal.jpg)

yeah you should make ryan good at basketball haha even tho i never know if that picture is really him. and bren would prob be okay bc he used to wear all those bball t-shirts in the early days. and aids!fic sounds amazing yet i'm pretty sure i will cry for two weeks when bden dies.

oh and as for brencer this has always been one of my favorite pictures (i dont even know if these pics will work but hopefully)
http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k81/Ryannmmm/madcute.jpg

[lolab.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSS I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT PIC!!! i am almost 100% sure it's him; i've seen other pics from this scene. FUCK YES. AWESOME.

omg, i love that brencer pic. so precious. i just love the casual touching. it's the way you touch someone who's ~yours; like not even thinking about it, just touching them 'cause they're there. <3333!!! thanks!

[ginsatonic.livejournal.com]

Oh just a thought if you really want to delve into the AIDS battle, there is a very touching and harrowing book by a guy called Oscar Moore. He was a newspaper journalist who he died in September 1996. He updated his story every week in his column which I followed. The book is basically his story.
One of the first things he says in the book is "AIDS has always been a disease of delayed reactions".
Obviously, the medical side of things will be out of date, but I doubt suffers reactions and feelings have changed that much.
So: PWA (Person With Aids) Looking Aids in the Face. And now I want to read this book again it is rea quite inspiring. And yes, I did shed a few tears when he eventually died. I felt as if I knew the man.
<3

[lolab.livejournal.com]

oh, god. that's. idek. i don't know if i could stand to read it. i can never bring myself to read books anyway; i feel like this would just be too much.

but idk... i'll have to think about it. :/

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

YOU OWN MY SOUL :P

I think I have already expressed my undying (bad pun? :P) love for the aids!fic plan, but let me reiterate; YES YES YES YES YES. Everything you wrote there looks awesome, and I will totally rant and brainstorm and fangirl all over you when I am conscious (because right now it's 4am, I've had 4 hours sleep in the last 6 days, and I just misspelled 'right' 6 times :P), but yeeeeees. It will be awesome. Everyone will be converted. I have no doubt XD

That said, blindfic would also be stupidly awesome, and is totally one of my ridiculous fic kinks, but. AIDSFIC.

As for potential sequel - I agree that pairing them all up would have to be done delicately, lol. I don't think the 'what they're doing' thing would be so hard; for a start, they all have plenty of money for the moment, I assume, so they wouldn't have to have jobs as such :P I imagine they'd stick with the label. Spencer has the stuff he does with Shane, and he kind of does productiony stuff with Patrick as well, doesn't he? He seems to hang a lot with Pete and Patrick anyhow, and he's massively multitalented, so he'd do something on the label, try to keep busy, let everyone around him support him. Ryan would write masses and masses and masses of angsty, beautiful lyrics, and while retreating in the cabin to try to come to terms with everything (because Ryan, naturally, is not so much the keep busy, accept support type), he and Jon would turn them into an acoustic tribute set, and not tell Spence they were doing it 'cause they don't want to upset him, and Spence would eventually find out and angst. That would totally be able to get Ryan and Jon together, too, working alone on this thing in the cabin with Spencer back in LA, and then when Spencer finds out and is all what, you just don't want me anymore?...and things progress from there, if you want the three of them together:P And then eventually they have this beautiful set of songs for Brendon that they've written just for them but they play them for Pete and Patrick and whoever else on the 6 month anniversary of his death or something ridiculously heartbreaking of the sort and Pete manages to convince them after much angsting and argument to turn the set into a record and donate the proceeds to AIDS research. And it will be ridiculous and soppy and I am *such* a *girl* XD Lmao.

Ah well, I'm tired :P But as you can see, I has enthusiasm muchly for this idea of yours! :D

Right. *Sleeping* now. *no self-control* Lol...

[lolab.livejournal.com]

\o/

blindfic will probably be next, after this one. very excited for that too.

good point; i like spencer working with shane and patrick. i could keep that. do you mean the original cabin in vegas?? i could NEVER write ryan going alone to the cabin, not after pccf. :'( i just couldn't. any more than i could write them taking brendon on an, ahem, ISLAND vacation before he dies. (though they totally WILL take him on a vacation, idk where.)

but jesus FUCK, i love the idea of them all writing this tribute album together and then donating the proceeds. fuck, fuck, jesus FUCK, this fic is going to kill me before i've STARTED it. :'( everyone keeps throwing these *amazing*, angst-filled ideas at me, and i'm starting to wonder if i can do this at all.

sleep, bb. sleep. <3 ily.

[autumn-carnival.livejournal.com]

okay, that is the most heartbreaking thing ever! I can't read sad fic! It makes me feel empty and achy :( But then I'll have to b/c it's yours and I'll just bawl my eyes out over it! AND I don't like Brencer :P Haha, I'm afraid I'm one of those. tbh, I don't read anything with Spencer in the main pairing b/c I still have trouble picturing him gay. haha, I know. Weird. You can throw me some evidence that he could be gay if you want :P I don't doubt your "converting" powers but I'm still not into GSF despite PWF. I'm just one person though :)

[autumn-carnival.livejournal.com]

omg I really really really like the idea of blind!fic though :D Brendon could totally be angsty about going blind of something. Have you read 'A finer Command of Language'?

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

I'll read this fic, and it's ONLY because your the best bandom writer I've seen. (and your awesome, and i like being a minion. *hands*) but seriously. It might like... send me into a breakdown. I'm sure you'll making it beautiful in the most painful way possible, but just thinking about it is bringing back things i want to forget.

anyway

I really like the idea of all 3 of them going with him to tell his parents. like... they're all backing him up, they always will. Almost like it was Ryan and Spencer who brought him to life, with the band and such, and they'll all be there with him til the end. But at the same time, breakdown!Ryan is kind of perfect, because he's always loved Brendon, even if he didn't ~love him, ya know?

I can think of this really tragic scene in my head, where like... Brendon's been holding together REALLY well while everyone around him breaks down and then he tries to do something he liked and physically can't, he just kind of melts down and is all, oh my god, i'm actually dying.

Scientifically I can like you to some good articles on AIDS if you want to ~research it but they're pretty dry and clinical (u c my upcoming junior project? lol). I know that AIDS, once it's AIDS and not HIV anymore, is very painful, sometimes to the point of having to be hospitalized for periods of time. Is he starting out with HIV, or actually AIDS? cause that would change how much time he's got...

anyway. Never make me plot the death of another bandom boy, please? lol.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

god, bb, you don't have to read it just because i'm writing it. i realize this is an intense subject and probably hard for some people. i don't want it to make you sad. :(

yeah, i like that idea, of him not being able to do something he loved. like play music, idk. maybe he's too weak at one point.

sure, you could send the links, that would be cool. i'll save them in my aidsfic folder for when i start doing research. thanks bb. <3 he's starting out with HIV but it progresses really fast. i'm talking to someone via email who is answering all my questions about what my options are, in terms of how much time he's got. 'cause i just can't write a fic that covers 5 or 10 years, and most people live at *least* that long after being diagnosed.

[siubhlach.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you :)

I love Twitter. See, now I want the fic where Spencer gets all pissy with Ryan for being "really freaking obvious, Jesus, Ross, what were you thinking? Do you have any idea how many fans read your twitter?!" And Ryan being all "what? what?! Oh, c'mon Spence, it's not like I've given them any ideas they hadn't already posted about all over Livejournal! Besides, you started it." And then Spencer's all "That's not the goddamn point, and you know it. I like my private life private, thank you very much. Plus which, after all that you forgot to buy the stupid things for me, so I still don't have any" and he's got the proper bitch!face going, so Ryan gives him apologetic blowjobs until Spencer forgets whatever it was he was all pissy about in the first place. Which is a win as far as Ryan's concerned \0/

I think I may have a thing for argument diffusing blowjobs :)

Although, I'm also amused by the idea of devious!Ryan and devious!Spencer who are quite deliberately doing this to wind up their fans/record label/bandmates/random passersby...

Anyway, enough of that.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yesssssssssss that is all perfect. you should write it. NAO. <3