took a shot and didn't even come close

[behindthec]

redorchids is writing a pccf scene (twitterwars!) and needs more badfic! she has requested the following:

"joncer badfic: a bj scene that's written by a 12-year-old virgin who clearly has no idea about what's hot and what's not, what a dick looks like or how a bj even works. something like theohara's buffy badfic. LOL. teeth. wrong use of teeth. gallons of precome. come spelled cum. insanely crappy grammar. using other sex words like "rimming" in the wrong context, thinking they mean something else. should be spencer going down on jon and just outrageous. preferably schmoopy as hell too. in a completely unrealistic context. like stockholm syndrom with spence as jon's sex slave or something. idk, you make something up. LOL"

i know it seems all i post are requests lately, but this is FUN, and besides, you're getting chapter 8 soon. i'm a little stuck on the climax scene, but i'll get there.

thanks to everyone who found my hat. you guys are clearly better sleuths than i am. <3

Comments

[stereotypeloser.livejournal.com]

sweet, i can't wait to read this.

[lolab.livejournal.com]

WRITE it. :P

[arctic-grey.livejournal.com]

The most epic BJ related badfic moment was in some random shit a fellow LJer found where some dude's balls "tasted like ham". Lots of awkward ball imagery!

OH. How about... "Spencer nibbled the head of Jon's manhood. Jon tasted like ham."

o_0

I think it actually takes talent to write bad fic (just a different type of talent), so I'm stuck here. /o\

[stereotypeloser.livejournal.com]

Thinking of dudes tasting like ham seriously just made me gag.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

LMAO.

Fucking hell. *Dude*.

That's brilliant XD

[lolab.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH OH GOD.

it does take talent... but you could totally pull it off! all the best badfic i've gotten out of these request posts comes from great writers.

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

I actually... I don't even know. I... actually can't do it.
Because I am terrified of it actually turning out how I usually write bj scenes, and that would not be good.
Oh Lord. I am looking forward to what other people have in store though.

come spelled cum

ULTIMATE PET HATE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER. *brain implodes and dies*

[lolab.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA.

damn it, everyone keeps saying "oh i won't write it but i can't wait to read it." PEOPLE. LAZY. :P

dude yes. and past tense especially, "he cummed." ;aslkerjpaiofvpaiwp!!!!!!

[redorchids.livejournal.com]

LOL! I love how you use your powers of the internet for porn good. :-)

Here's the link to theohara badfic btw. It's pretty much the most genious thing ever written. So, like, no pressure. LOL.

http://theohara.livejournal.com/183159.html

[lolab.livejournal.com]

yes. i am clever that way. :D

yay! *adds it to entry*

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

lol climax scene
okay, I'll stop now.

i no can writes for yuo, must do all work put off all week. BUT I WILL READ ALL THE PORN THAT IS GIVEN TO YOU AND LAUGH!


<333

[noahatthedisco.livejournal.com]

oh, not writing but just gotta say,
that the fic should totally have like... someone's come tasting AMAZING. like... sweet or some shit like that. and the BJ give can't get enough of it. =D
just a tought

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Oh god, okay...um. I'll try. Tempted to go read the old badfic post to get in the ~mood XD This is somehow more brain-hurting than the last one though :P Ok, right, I'm doing this, but I'm stealing words (like, uvula :P) from the one I wrote for the spyro :P Horrendous Stockholm Syndrome sex slave porn, here we go... :S (also terrible misuse of long words, terrible misuse of teeth, terrible misuse of almost everything else, and lots and lots of cringe :P) (oh, and I also stole the ham suggestion from above ;D)

LMAO, it's too long for one comment XD WHAT HAVE I DONE??? XD Splitting in two, lol :P

K, here goes *dies*.

spencer cried in the dark room with concrete floors and a chair and no light or windows and the door locked from the outside, and his tears fell on his rock hard wiener. when jon first locked him in the basement spencer missed ryan and brendon and his mom but spencer could never be mad at jon walker and now he just misses jon's enormous manmeat when jon isn't here. Jon's penis is so delicious, spencer spends all his time thinking about it and it makes his erection hard and erect all day long. he cums over and over again all day long until he is in a puddle of his own creamy white juice.

then jon walker opens the door! spencer screams with joy and tries to stand up but his puckered anus is too sore from getting brutally but lovingly pounded so much all day.
"you are covered in your own pearly water" says jon "does that mean you want to suck on my manhood?"
Spencer CRIES again cause he is so happy. "yes jon, please let me suck on your penis, please jon walker, I love you so much, you are so yummy i want to drink your sperm all day long!!"
Jon smiled happily and sat on Spencer's chest. "ok spence, i'm going to fuck your facepussy now." and he pulled his hard leaking member out of his exploding jeans (cause his throbbing penis was so huge it was making them explode)

spencer opened his mouth wide and jon held his pulsating manrod out so his precum poured into spencers mouth and almost choked him, but spencer swallowed it all and loved it. it gurgled a bit in his throat and jon laughed at how funny spencer was when he was drinking jons semen locked in his basement. then he said "are you ready me spencey baby" and spencer answered "yes im always ready for you jon, I love you" and Jon sat on spencers face and moaned loudly at the feel of spencer's hot wet mouth sucking on his androgynous zone.

"i love you so much jon" spencer said around jon's huge dick in his mouth and jon bounced more on spencers face.
"fuck me harder!" spencer yelled with jon's inflated erection down his throat, and jon sighed happily and pounded spencer's head into the floor, enjoying the feel of his balls flapping against spencers swelled pink lips.

[Cont. next comment... XD]

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

[and here's the rest :P]

then jon realised he couldnt see Spencer and he kidnapped spencer as his sex slave because he is so pretty when his beard has been shaved off (which it has when he arrived) so he gets off spencer. "Jon!" spencer cried "was i bad!"
"no" jon smiles gently and kisses spencers wet mouth "but you are such a good cocksucking slut when you are on your knees and i love you so much, i want to see your hot mouth wrapped around my burning penis because you should never do anything else ever"
Spencer sighed happily as he got up onto his knees "thats why you took me here!"
Yes Jon nodded and then gasped and grabbed Spencer's head hard as he sucked on Jons leaking member and immediately sucked it all the way down his throat.
"oh spencey baby your so good at this" jon moaned loudly. Spencer looked so hot on his knees with his mouth open wide sucking on jons huge erection. "im so glad youre my own slave and know how to swallow me so good." and then he started thrusting into Spencer's throat, fucking his mouth and his throat, feeling his uvula and vocal chords tickling his huge boner.
Then spencer started choking, but jon pulled his head forward and fucked his mouth harder and spencer was so happy cause only Jon knew how much he is turned on by jon pounding into his throat so hard.

Jon's creamy precum is pouring down spencers throat in milky waterfalls and spencer can feel he was close, so he opens his mouth wider and sucks on jons balls as well, which are huge too. "oh jon" he exclaims with his mouth stuffed full of Jon-meat, "you taste just like ham!"
"make me cum spencer!" jon cries
So spencer pulls off jon's member and jon gasps "is my pulsating manrod too big for you?"
but spencer just bites all along the side of jon's penis hard enough to leave deep marks, so that jon screams with pleasure.

Spencer's teeth dig into the head of Jon's bursting monstercock (which he noticed was bigger than ryans) and then he licks the teeth marks on Jon's weeping, enormous member like a delectable gourmet lollypop.

"Graaaagh!" Jon yelled and squealed deeply as he spurted creamy white sperm all over Spencer's face and hair and ears and the floor. Spencer tried to lick as much of it up as he could because jon's cum was just as delicious as he dreamed about while jon was away, but it was so delicious that he wanted to have a huge orgasm, the biggest one he'd ever had, even bigger than the 27 he had had all day, because the creamy liquid all over his face and in his eyes was such a big turn on.

Spencer blinked some of the juice out of his eyes and begged jon "please jon, am i allowed to cum now?" and jon smiled indulgently and said "yes you can my spencey slave".

He bent down to gently stroke spencer's hot and pulsing penis but as soon as he touched him Spencer cummed really hard with a loud scream of ecstasy. His sperm flew all over the room, joining all the other puddles, and some even got on the ceiling.

Spencer bit his lip when some of his cum dripped from the ceiling and hit jon on the head. "im sorry jon" he started but jon interrupted and kissed his wet, dripping mouth again, and wiped some of the pearly cream off his face. "it doesn't matter spencer, i love you."
Spencer smiled. "i love you too jon."
"Will you always stay here and be my sex slave?" jon asked?
"yes" spencer beamed "i need you so much and i always want you to fuck me and let me suck your cock. but what will we tell ryan and brendon and pete?"
"We won't tell them anything" said jon, "your going to stay down here and be mine forever, arent you?"
"of course!" spencer exclaimed.
"Good" jon smiled. "then i will tell ryan and brendon and pete that we are in love and you dont want to see them anymore."
"ok." agreed spencer happily.

[paperdollmuse.livejournal.com]

does it have to be long, I can try lol never tired this before so sorry if it sucks *ahem*

they were standing in the kitchen, both of them deciding what they wanted to eat.

Spencer looked at jon with grn and shurgged his shoulders, and says all we have is peanut butter and jon goes all bigged eyed and nods, how bought we eat that and spencer laughs because he knows were this going.

He takes it fromt he refrigerator and uncaps it as jon hops onto the counter kicking his pants off and letting them land in the sink with all the dirty dishes and he doesnt care cause Spencer going to ive him a blowjob with that perfect mouth.

Spencer laughs a bit at his eager ness and sticks his hand in the jar pulling out a giant wad of peanut butter and smears it all over Jon's thing. Jons already hard as a rock on the gorund and spencer cant wait to get his mouth on him.

he starts by rimming the head of jons thing and jon goes all UGHHHNNNNGGGG because spencers mouth Feels so good ove the peanut butter he could cum right there. his hand goes to Spencers hair and he's pulling on it really tight and trying to push spencers mouth more onto him and spencer just does and lets his teeth scrape all the peanut better off his thing but he has to pull away for a bit so he can swallow it all.

jon grins, "I think you can take more if you swallow that easy Spence," and Spencer pouts and crosses his arms refusing to do anymore until Jon takes it back because Jon KNOWS that he's never relaly done this with anyone but ryan and he'd never really given ryan a blow job before either.

so jon apologizses and spencer wraps his hadn around his thing and put his mouth around him again and moves up and down with this his mouth and his hand and he keeps getting peanut butter all over jon so he has he was to keep scarping his teeth over it and jons just moans ans says NNnngggaaahh!!.

Spencer grins and takes him all the way in his moutha dn jon cant believe it and cums loudly SPENNNCEEE OhhhAHHHHHNNNNN and spencer pulls off wiping his moutha nd grinning. he wasn't bad for a first time.

[paperdollmuse.livejournal.com]

*hides* lol oh god

[aj-angel3000.livejournal.com]

O_O ... What the fuck???!!!! LOL just made my entire day!!!!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

:DDDDD I'M GLAD.

[callie-the-bear.livejournal.com]

You just wont believe the memories you have triggered from seeing that Buffy badfic. I first read that thing in my last year of school, and I remember being told off by my science teacher who I distinctly recall spitting on after failing in my efforts not to laugh, and then taking Laura Weston outside to be sick she had laughed so much.
Thnx for the Memories. I fail on finding a 12 year old's Joncer though. Sorry!

[lolab.livejournal.com]

AHHAHA <3

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Also dear god, I haven't seen that buffy badfic in years XD The turgid cock. Oh, happy memories XD

[justranda.livejournal.com]

I don't think my bad!fic is bad enough.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Come on come on come on :P It's fun XD Sort of? :P

[aspiring2be.livejournal.com]

Hold on, Let me go get my 12 year old virgin cousin.*rushes off to get cousin* Lol. If I could write bj scenes I would, but I'm just so terrible at it, that my attempt would be labeled under badfic.

Did that make sence? I'm working on...I don't know. 8 cups off coffee and heat stroke....

[lolab.livejournal.com]

ahahaha yes it made sense. it's okay, j_plash saved us all. \o/

[xoxo-wentz.livejournal.com]

My friend was RP'ing with someone (who was obviously no good at it), and it was a blowjob scene.

Her RP mate said; "Matt sucked on Jesse's penis, constantly hitting his prostate with his tongue". |:

Obviously you can change the names. I don't know if that counts but it that girl wrote porn, it would be badfic and perfect for this.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahahaha XD That's *horrible* XD Excellent. Lmao.

[selectivelyurie.livejournal.com]

i. am. crying.

jfc, can you have these like, EVERY DAY? just- because you can? and because it's the best thing ever? oh my god, i love badfic so, so much jasd8p;alsdjf

&you;

[candiedpeaches.livejournal.com]

SECOND'D.

[alphabetatoast.livejournal.com]

OH DEAR SWEET LORD. CAN NEVER WRITE SLASH AGAIN. EVER.

Colin, what have you unleashed????
I just read all of these, and omfg... dying here seriously.

I just... please do this once a week? Like, make this a weekly thing? Colin's-Bad-fic-Request-Of-Doom?

Like, give us a prompt and make us write badfic for you every Sunday night before work/school on Monday to cheer us all up?

Like, idk one week it could be the worst badfic ever of Ryan-popping-Bden's-cherry... and then the next week, the worst ever Spyro-teenage-experinting-fic, and then the badfic version of Pete-corrumpting-16-year-old-Patrick...

OK, I took it too far.

I just never want this to end. \0/

*flails and dies*

[selectivelyurie.livejournal.com]

yes

(and colin, i that blinking text is meant to not only emphasize my absolute need for this to happen, but to also be an ongoing mantra until you *headdesk* and give into this. yes FOREVER!!! :P)

[candiedpeaches.livejournal.com]

okay. i can do this because ALL of my porn is bad.

once upon a time in a land far away called las chicago [because spencer lives in las vegas and jon lives in chicago. haha. get it?] there were 2 boys who luved each other very very very much.

but jon was a senior in school and poor baby spencer was only a freshman. therefore, jon had had lots of bfs and gfs while spencer did not. so when they were home alon because spencer's mom had to get some cheese from the store which was like, 70 billion miles away.

they made out a lot on the kitchen table because they were in the kitchen and they had gotten a little frisky. so they were on the kitchen table which was clean because spencer put the dishes away last night! :D

they were making out a lot, like their tongues were all up in each other's mouths and their teeth were crashing like waves on a stone in the ocean. they were listening to fall out boy because they both thought pete was very hot. and hot boys make hot music which they can make out to. [i don't understand their kinks so don't yell at me!!]

but jon wanted more. but since spencer was a relationship virgin before, he didn't want to have sex because he knew that sex was a big step in a relationship. so jon said, spencer! you can just suck my dick insted. that's not sex! he said. even though spencer knew that it was sex, he didn't want to say no to jon because peer pressure isn't fun. ;-;

so he put his feet on the floor and bended over and tada! his face was right where jon's dick was. so he pulled the dick out of the pants and jon was happy because those were some pretty tight pants! he wore girl jeans because they showed off his figure.

so he started sucking all of it instantly. his nose was right in jon's hair which was gross because it didn't smell good. however, jon's penis tasted very good, like oreos and milk. except the milk taste might have just been the precum. spencer hadn't had any experience before so he didn't know for sure.

he sucked and sucked and sucked and sucked and sucked. jon was moaning loudly, making the dog howl becasue the dog thought jon was singing. jon was singing though, only with his dick. spencer was good at deep throating because jon's manhood was all the way past his his pharynx and maybe even in his esophagus because it was HUUUUUGE!!!

so spencer kept sucking and using his tongue on jon's dick until jon was cumming. he was cumming so much that spencer started choking. but he quickly put jon back because he didn't want to explain to his mom why there were cum stains on the table.

he kept cumming for like five minutes because his dick was that big. it was like if spencer tried to swallow a tidal wave with a palm tree in his mouth. but he was able to swallow it all because he was amazing.

jon kept moaning, oh spencer james smith the fifth!!!!!! youre so amazing at this!!!!!!!!!! and moaned nnnnggggghhhhhhs and stuff. it was pretty sexy. so much that spencer's own penis was instantly hard just from the noises.

so jon pulled him up onto the table again and started to feel him up. spencer cumed in his pants because he was that turned on. jon snuggled him on the table and used their shirts as a blanket and fell asleep.

and spencer's mom got lost on the way to the store so by the time she came home, they were both up and playing guitar hero. jon beat spencer by a lot. [GO JON!!!]




WHAT THE FUCK. MY MIND IS FOREVER DEFILED. ALSDFJKLSDFJKAS. i love you for making this request. i love writing bad porn.

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

I love you. I love you so much XD

Jon's cock tastes like oreos! XD Dear god. Oh dear god.

And Jon is singing with his dick XD ILY.

it was like if spencer tried to swallow a tidal wave with a palm tree in his mouth. but he was able to swallow it all because he was amazing.
There are no words XD

ILY. You are awesome :P

[o-nyx-o.livejournal.com]

*squirms* I feel uncomfortable reading the bad fic. But then again, that means the writer has done a great job. XD

[candiedpeaches.livejournal.com]

I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL.

[zaqqi.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I can't get the image of Spencer choking to death on waterfuls of 'pearly water' out of my head.
It's not even a good image!
Dude, come every fucking where.
Ugh.
Imma go wash my hands.
(also LOVE! FREAKING LOVE)

[j-plash.livejournal.com]

Hehehehe, glad you enjoyed ;D

(that image is so horrible, lol. It broke my brain XD)