behindthec: (bilvy)
i just ended a four-year relationship. fuck zen, fuck dealing, fuck maturity. i need to not be in my head. like, a lot.

picspam me?




fly to atlanta and cuddle me?


i probably won't answer comments, but. i think that's allowed.

behindthec: (emo pride)
Resistance comes in many forms: not wanting to sit in meditation, choosing to spin off into our mental world, suppressing or avoiding emotional pain, finding fault with ourselves and our lives.  No matter what form it takes, resistance brings no peace.  Whatever we resist we actually strengthen, because we solidify it, empowering it to stay in our life.

But the opposite is also true.  When we begin to cultivate the willingness to be with life as it is, regardless of whether we like it, our relationship to what we've avoided begins to change.  (Bayda 34)

if i'm not around as regularly for awhile, not updating fic as quickly as normal, or if i'm shit at answering comments/emails/texts/calls... it's because i'm working on this.

last night i had a breakdown of sorts, which is nothing new, but this is the first time i've forced myself to actually do something about it.  today i called in sick and i'm going to sit and read this book again, because i can see i desperately need it.

behindthec: (emo pride)
i'm so tired of fandom right now.  i really need a break.  a long break.  but it's part of me, the stupid fucker.

i don't want to talk about the drama (this, for those who asked via twitter), because stuff like that just pisses me off and takes away from why i love fandom in the first place.

whenever something like this happens, i just have to tell myself, it's the characters we love.  because really, it is.  RPF fandom is such a mess, ugh.  because of the reality aspect, there is a lack of vital limits, so when one spontaneously imposes itself like this, everything implodes.  to me, at least.

promise me not one of you will mention a word of it in the comments.  i so, so, so do not want to talk about it, at all.  help me remember why i love fandom.  write a line of schmoop or porn.  post a pic that makes me forget that half of what we love about these boys is probably a lie.  help me remember fandom is what we make of it, and anything can be as real to us as we need it, as long as we believe it.  i am really proud of how colossally cheesy i managed to make that sound, too. XD

i'll start.

behindthec: (ryden.)
so i guess now's as good a time as any to announce it: i'm going to be starting a semi-epic ryden fic fairly soon.

some emo, then the premise, and a rough snippet from my notes. )

behindthec: (bden kinks)

...the small things.

you are all teaching me that, and you don't know how grateful i am.

going to work on the rywalk now, because it's what i love, and tomorrow i'm going to the yoga class on campus because i love that too, and then i'm going to see bilvy because i love him too.  i'm going to hang out with keri tonight because i love her, and i'm going to keep texting ally because i love her, and i'm going to keep exchanging spyro pics with sophie because i love her too, and to hell with anything else.

i'll get there.

ETA: OHMYGODBRENDONURIE.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  (thanks to [ profile] falling_words.)  CAN'T.  STOP.  LAUGHING.

behindthec: (pwf - pants)
omg guise your comments are making me cry.

it's over. :'(

let's make ourselves feel better.  picspam my comments or something.  prompt each other.  have cybersex.  write porn.  confess crushes on each other.  whatever.  lol.  let's celebrate instead!


behindthec: (emo pride)
the meme is usually for 10, but i'm doing 20 because i need 20. this is entirely for me; i really kind of needed this tonight, but feel free to ask about any of them; however, there are a few i won't answer.

20 things you wish you could say to 20 different people )

behindthec: (emo pride)

in the counter-spirit of thanksgiving...

i want )
behindthec: (emo pride)
see, look at that.  a little gabilliam and you forget all about chapter 10.  i'm brilliant. :P

in other news, i'm sitting in my car this morning and i catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror and i think...


and then, to solidify my claim, i took a picture. )

anyway.  it is keri's birthday today.  SHE IS TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD.  and i'll be there in two months.  people, lovely LJ people, minions of mine, PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T LOOK ALMOST-TWENTY-SIX.  PLEASE.  anyway.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERI!!!!!!!!! <33333333

here we are, being awesome. )

happy wednesday, all.

behindthec: (emo pride)
<e> why do i continue to write things when i am in "i am a shitty-ass writer" moods. </e>

yes. i just emo-tagged it.

it's not even worth cutting.  (ahaha when i read that it sounds like "it" is the generic "it" or referring to life and cutting is referring to a razor, not LJ, HAHAHA, AND IT'S FUNNY B/C BOTH INTERPRETATIONS ARE EQUALLY TRUE.)


When Brent described you as "emo and kind of gay, but he writes good lyrics," for some reason I pictured someone like Brent, because going off his voice I'd always thought Brent was kind of gay too, and his lyrics weren't bad either, at least compared to mine, which were shit.  I did notes, not words.  At least, not mine.  Never much wanted to do anyone else's, either.  Then I read yours.
I read them before I met you, with Brent's hastily scribbled tabs beside them so I could be prepared, maybe make less of a fool of myself.  I willed my eyes to ignore his messy, ungainly scrawl next to your thin, carefully jagged letters that looked like you'd been trying to carve them into the page the way they'd carved themselves into you.  I found myself wondering if there were scars, and if I'd ever get to see them.  I read them until I memorized them, not because I was trying, but because my brain wouldn't let them go.  I read them and prayed (because I still believed in that back then).  I prayed, please be ugly, or mean, or just hate me.  Didn't even realize I was praying to you.  But I kept praying.  It would've been easier not to fall.  When I fall, I don't tend to get back up very easily, and when I do, something's always broken.
Then I met you, in your pink Fall Out Boy tee, took in your eyes and your fingers and the way you put the "skinny" in skinny jeans, and I couldn't hear your voice over my own heartbeat.  I'd fallen, and all I could do was wait until you picked me up.

Four years later, I'm still waiting.  Still at your feet, looking up, wondering how much will be broken if I ever get back up.

I never prayed again.
behindthec: (emo pride)
i have complaints. i haven't done this in some time, usually i'm just providing you all with porn and picspams, so bear with me.

1. my internet at work has been down since friday. anyone who has ever spent a day with me chatting online at work knows MY INTERNET IS V. V. IMPORTANT TO ME KTHX. i have started to go mad, taking photos of trash and doing extra work i don't even have to do and accidentally inventing names when i'm inputting data. it's deadly, ppl. it was so bad that on my lunch break i tried to start writing some more of this rywalk i'm doing for [ profile] falling_words and i started the scene WITH AN IM CONVERSATION. WOW. NO, I DON'T MISS TALKING WITH HER AT ALL, DO I. :(

2. i don't know whether to be flattered, amused, or annoyed when i find someone totally stealing from my fics. i think overall i am unaffected b/c the plagiaristic fic in question was badly written; i have very little expectations for bad writers. :P

3. keri is sick.

4. i am not inspired to write lately. it is shitty. i have realised recently the logic of the pattern: i eat when i'm depressed (it's a good thing my metabolism's so high or i'd be a blimp), and i write/read fic to escape from depression; therefore, it seems i can't write unless i'm overeating. so lately i have been trying to diet. not b/c i'm fat, but b/c i've been looking at a lot of pictures of the ever two-dimensionally gorgeous ryan ross i really want to be healthier. anyhow, as an ex-anorexic, dieting is utterly disastrous for me in every conceivable way and usually leaves me *too* depressed to write because i end up having no discipline, or starving for a few days and then crashing. *headdesk*

5. how long is a quarter-life crisis supposed to last? just wondering. i'm kind of ready for it to be over, ready to start accepting my inevitable aging. and i'm, so, totally, not.

wait, i do have a point to all this.

WHO WANTS TO PITY ME AND WRITE ME FIC? look, i didn't even say porn! i'm so desperate i'll even accept non-smutty drabbles. right now i'm hardcore into pyro and rywalk but i'll take ANYTHING in the decaydanceverse.

loves you all.
behindthec: (emo pride)

i might post later on with official intro bullshit.  maybe.  in the meantime, this is why i shouldn't write when i'm depressed.  (refs to ryan's blog entry linked in my last post.)

behindthec: (regulus)
My icon is fitting BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

and because I've developed this disturbing obsession with Sirius/Regulus fics. HEY SHUT UP IT'S NOT JUST ME.

On that note, Keri (though she would be outraged if she knew I were announcing it to the world) has come to appreciate my fic whoredom. When she gets horny she'll say "Fic me" and I'll give her a good fic to read and she'll get all hot and bothered and we'll have wild hot role-play sex.

We are weird and hard-to-understand lesbians.

In other news, she has a job now, making 29K, which is not bad for a first post-college job, though it is not in her field, but it offers benefits and pays the bills, until I can find a "real" job and she can hopefully go to grad school in the next couple years (I don't think I'm going to need grad school, which is good 'cause I don't want it). Right now I am working to get my arms better (they have been a little better, but I am going to be seeing a really awesome doctor now), and serving as the Writing Center Outreach Coordinator and it is too much bother to explain what I do, but it is a nice title and I like it, even though the work is a bit of a pain, but it's good experience. I am also applying to jobs with online editing companies because then I could work from home which would be PO#*$&PJFP(#*$ bloody fantastic. But I may need more experience first.

Oh yeah: I GRADUATED, SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!! 3.9 GPA. If I do say so myself.

Also I have black hair again. I am now a 13-year-old emo boy. Or so I wish. (I am gay, but not so gay that I wouldn't totally bone a pretty underage British emo boy.) This emo phase of mine is quite pathetic; I'm too old for it anyway, and not skinny enough, and too poor to buy the clothes, and my socially unaware mum calls my hair "emu hair" and the wife and I have had the following conversations recently:

Me: We should have a party and only invite emo kids 15 years old and under.
Keri: British emo kids.
Me: Yeah. PRETTY British emo kids.
K: No, wait: SKINNY, pretty, British emo kids.
Me: Yeah.
K: No, wait: PIMPLE-FREE, skinny, pretty, British emo kids. Or Australian.
Both: Or Irish.
K: Yeah. Or Scottish.
Me: Or Kiwi. OKAY. So, under 15, skinny, pretty, British, uh... uh...?
K: Should we be writing this down?

Me: Okay. We woke up... at 10. It is now 3:30. WHAT HAVE WE DONE ALL DAY???
K: We had sex.
Me: ...Oh yeah. And watched sharks.
K: Yeah.
Me: And emo boy porn.

...yeah. so.

Latest life-in-photos on Facebook:

I am not so shallow that life doesn't still suck in a lot of ways. I am not enjoying Keri being gone all day, at ALL. She's up at 6:30 and during her training for the next five weeks, I don't see her till almost 7pm, then we have all of three hours together before bed, and a lot of that is spent working out or doing laundry or shit. Money is super tight, and it's stressful and we hate it. And now and then we'll have our usual stupid arguments about things that are not really arguments at all but annoying all the same, and y'know, marriage is hard sometimes. And I am pissed about my arms and even more pissed that I probably won't get a cushy work-from-home job and pretty soon I'll have to start getting up at 6:30 every day just like her. I'm just not very cut out for the whole life thing.

But then she comes home and kisses me and is adorable and sexy and wonderful and saves me the good parking space and makes out with me in the pool and it's somehow kind of worth it.

"So, that's that, and, no harm done."

I'm quoting Cornelius Fudge wtf. I am such a Potterslut. Shut up spellcheck, Potterslut is totally a word, and SO IS SPELLCHECK OMFG.


behindthec: (Default)

May 2009

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